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This is an improvement form your first draft, however, I think there is still some work you'll have to do before publishing.
Your first sentence is getting there, but still needs Polchies' birth date. Here's an example from Jordin Tootoo's article:
Jordin John Kudluk Tootoo MSM (Inuktitut: ᔪᐊᑕᓐ ᑐᑐ;[1] born February 2, 1983) is a Canadian former professional hockey player.
Your "Early Life" section needs some work. Firstly, "Early Life" implies it's about her childhood, however, this seems to be about her involvement in journalism. Additionally, the writing in this section isn't clear to me. The section is not cited, either.
I would change "Family Background" to "Personal Life". This section needs some work, it does not flow well. Make sure your writing has a logical order.
Don't include sentences like: "With experience in sport previously Polchies later took a diffrent path." It is too flowery for an encyclopedia entry.
Instead of having the "Tom Longboat" heading then simply stating Polchies has won the award, you should include some information regarding her sport participation. You're righting this article because she's a noteworthy athlete, but that isn't clear yet - there isn't enough information on her. Ideally, you would write about all of her sport participation and award together.
In general, your article does need some work. The writing needs to be checked for spelling and grammar mistakes. Try reworking your sections/headings. It doesn't make sense to have a whole section for only two or three short sentences.
If you're having a hard time editing, try reading the article sentence by sentence aloud. If it sounds like an encyclopedia entry, you're on the right track. If not, keep editing until you get there.
Keep up the hard work, you're getting there! — Preceding unsigned comment added by Erintanner (talk • contribs) 01:05, 12 November 2019 (UTC)
Hi Raj,
Good start! It does need some more content, however. The early life section is good, but if you can find some more content about her upbringing, family background, etc it would be a lot more comprehensive. It should also have a "lead-in" section that explains the significance of Carole and gives a brief background about who she is. If possible, also explain her performance in sport in greater detail. It's great that you mention her participation in four sports but if there are any awards (outside of Tom Longboat award), highlights in her careers, or things that differentiate her from any other athlete then I would be sure to include them. Adding some content in each of those areas would really make a strong article.
Otherwise, I believe all your information is relevant, you have great sources, and the links all work. If you're able to locate more sources, that may help as well. Furthermore, you may be able to hyperlink some topics within your article to other wiki pages - like the Tom Longboat Award, for example.
Lastly, I would remove a couple words that make the article seem a bit biased as wiki pages are supposed to be entirely neutral. You mention her loss in the election as being "unfortunate" and that she was a "great" athlete. These are certainly true; however, those words should be removed to ensure the article is neutral.
Overall it definitely sets you on the right path though. It has a good structure. Again, the more content/sources the better so that you can really build a strong wiki for Carole. Having more material will really bring substance and reason to why Carole should have a wiki page.
- Joe — Preceding unsigned comment added by JoeMiller10 (talk • contribs) 23:50, 2 November 2019 (UTC)
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