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Wikipedia:Wikipedia Signpost/2019-04-30/Humour

Jimbo and Larry walk into a bar ...: Some editors will do anything to get a laugh

After last month's very serious discussion of humor in The Signpost, Wikipedians responded in a way that I did not expect. They started telling jokes. A few of them were actually pretty good. A search through some user pages and articles reveals that humor still lives on Wikipedia. I've hijacked some of it for this column. More will be found in the comments section. My appreciation to Levivich, Atsme, and EEng.

The Wikilawyer's Tale

An ANI Limerick
Wikipedia's not for the meek
You need a de-stress technique
Sip tea with biscotti
Go fish – try karate
But edit war? Blocked for a week!

- L (adapted)

"Has the jury reached a verdict?" the judge asks.
"Yes, your honor," the jury foreperson replies. "The result of the discussion was jailify."
The wikilawyer jumps from his chair. "NOTAVOTE!" The judge shakes her head: "CONSENSUS has been reached."
"REVERT!" exclaims the wikilawyer. The judge shakes her head: "0RR."
"DRV!" the wikilawyer demands. The judge shakes her head: "No FORUMSHOPPING."
"There is NORUSH!" argues the wikilawyer. The judge shakes her head: "The deadline is NOW."
"DTTR!" the wikilawyer asserts. The judge shakes her head: "TTR."
"NOSPADE!" pleads the wikilawyer. The judge shakes her head: "SPADE."
"IAR!" the wikilawyer shouts. The judge shakes her head: "DROPTHESTICK."
"NOTBUREAUCRACY!" retorts the wikilawyer. The judge takes a book from a shelf: "PAGs."
The wikilawyer cries "ANYONECANEDIT!" and tears out a bunch of pages.
"BLOCK!" orders the judge.
As the court officers move to handcuff the wikilawyer, the defendant bolts for the door, yelling, "Wikipedia does not need me!" - L

An inclusionist and a deletionist walk into a bar ...

  • An inclusionist and a deletionist walk into a bar. The deletionist rips out the taps for any beers not nationally advertised and smashes all the bottles not on the top shelf. The inclusionist offers everyone a lukewarm Diet Dr Pepper. They both ask the bartender for a donation.
  • In Russia, the Kremlin reads what you write on Wikipedia. In America, the Kremlin writes what you read on Wikipedia.
  • Wikipedia: You have two cows. After discussion, your neighbors reach consensus that the cows belong to them, dismissing your objections per WP:1AM. You call the police. The police give the cows to whoever touched them last.
  • A Wikipedian and a vandal are stranded on a desert island. On the first day, the Wikipedian builds a raft. That night the vandal destroys it. The second day, the Wikipedian tells the vandal that one or more of his contributions to the raft did not appear constructive, and rebuilds the raft. The vandal destroys it. The third day, the Wikipedian asks the vandal to please refrain from making unconstructive changes to the raft, and rebuilds it again. The vandal destroys it. The fourth day, the Wikipedian tells the vandal that if he destroys the raft again, he may not be allowed to help with the raft, and rebuilds it once more. The vandal destroys it. On the fifth day, an admin arrives with the navy, declares that nobody can build a raft until everyone on the island agrees on whether or not a raft should be built, and sails off.
  • An editor applies to the Wikipedia Factory for a job. "We have two positions open," the administrator tells him. "The first opening involves building the machines, operating the machines, oiling the machines, cleaning the machines, repairing the machines, and also answering the phones and handling all administrative tasks necessary to run the factory. This position is unpaid, and workers are strictly prohibited from receiving any form of compensation whatsoever. Occasionally someone thanks you. Oh, and if you display any knowledge of our products we'll fire you."
"What's the other opening?" the editor asks.
"The other opening involves telling the workers what products the factory should make, how to make them, what they should look like, and what to call them. You'd be strictly prohibited from building the machines, running the machines, touching the machines, or doing any other work, but it's a paid position. Which job do you want?"- L

Caribbean parakeets (Aratinga pertinax).jpg
How To Avoid Pricks

When you land in a place that is prickly at best,
And feathers get ruffled – you've disturbed someone's nest;
Be cautious when offering friendly advice,
Lest you suddenly find your two orbs in a vise.
Lessons are learned, but to do so takes practice,
To avoid getting pricked when you land on a cactus.

- A (reflecting on this)

  • Do you want to make money from Wikipedia? It's easy! Log out and go to work!
  • Wikipedia: where anyone can edit and enjoy the benefits of income equality.- A

Simplified Guide to Categories

  • What do you call a paid editor who won't accept cash? - A check user. -S

Help wanted

An editorial artist or cartoonist.
No captions, funny words in bubbles, or artistic talent required.
Benefits: standard Wikipedia vacations, insurance, and pay (up to twice your monthly average, provided it doesn't exceed our annual budget).
Apply at the Newsroom talk page or leave a sample in the comments section below. -S

Still waiting for Jimbo and Larry to walk into that bar? Sorry, that screenplay's still in development. But this is a wiki, so feel free to add your own version in the comments below, or to edit the versions of others.

Jimbo and Larry steered Wikipedia through its early days.