User:The Lady Catherine de Burgh/A fool's guide to the 2019 Arbcom election

I have been beseeched and implored to give my assessment of the 2019 Abrbitration Committeee candidates [1]. While I cannot believe that anyone could possibly be interested in my humble views, I do appreciate that it is often helpful to have the insight that can only be ascertained by a very perceptive and inquiring mind coupled with a degree of high intelligence. Therefore, I have reluctantly decided to publicly air my opinions of the candidates and their suitability to what they imagine is going to be high office. As a former vicereign of India and wife of Governor Generals of both Canada and Australia, suitability for high office is something I know a great deal about. So without further ado:

User:Gadfium

I cannot speak highly enough of this user. Excellent in every respect. He's from New Zealand and I like people from New Zealand. I expect he plays for the All blacks which is another reason to endorse him. Most New Zealanders do, you see, as there are not many of them and I expect they have a job to get up a team on a Saturday afternoon. My late husband (Sir Gerald, the second one) played Rugby for Eton College and University of Cambridge and he was very intelligent - all rugby players are. So I have no hesitation in voting for this fine, upstanding user.

User:Richwales

I'm sorry, and he's possibly very nice, I don't know; I've never met him. However, I cannot bear nepotism.

User:Worm That Turned

Well he’s been worming and turning about for ever. I can’t say I’m impressed by the name, but my extremely clever nephew says he’s safe to vote for. I don’t care for marsupials at all, I know they’re good for the soil, but are they good for Wikipedia? I suppose if Giano says it’s OK, it must be. I wonder if he’s ever been to New Zealand? Gadfium’s from New Zealand and he’s not a marsupial. Oh well, hopefully they’ll both be elected.

User:Hawkeye7

They've had a very hard time, the Red Indians (or Indesits or whatever they are called these days). What with that vulgar Trump man wanting to wall them all in. So he's probably very resilient and quite good with a bow and arrow. I shall investigate him further and come back to him.

User:Casliber

Yea, yes, yes, he'll do. I shall return to him later when I have investigated his sporting prowess on the rugby field.

User:Thryduulf

Sounds like something out of an interminable opera by Wagner. All that thundering and crashing about; not too mention all those ghastly dwarfes and witches and warlocks and whatnots. No wonder poor Tristan pops his clogs, blessed release from all that moaning and groaning if you ask me. No, no , no, we don't want any of that on the Arbcom, quite enough noise and drama amongst them as it is.

Well I don’t think it’s a secret that I’m an open-minded all encompassing sort of person. I have friends from all walks and cultures of life, I’ve even a friend who’s Mesozoic, but I’m afraid I just can’t warm to supernaturals. All that Harry Potter nonsense. Now my handsome, very intelligent nephew is always genuflecting to one Saint or another, so Catholicism can’t be completely wrong, so I’m at one with the Pope on the subject. Of course Wagner wasn’t to know, what he was unleashing or that other one who had Furies leaping and dancing about being, well, furious I suppose. Now, Wagner had a thing about angry, poisonous dwarves, which is quite unfair and I don’t suppose would be allowed these days, one can’t even ask ones butler to draw the curtains without some zealot saying it’s offensive to one or another minority group. Now where was I, are, yes, Thrydulf; wasn’t he some king of the underworld or somewhere unhealthy? Well whatever, he’s been employed by Wikimedia UK (Wikimedia UK is the national chapter for the global Wikimedia movement) in the past. Now, call me old fashioned, but I don’t think we can have an arb who’s taken pay from that organisation. I like to think Arbs are above what is ultimately the WMF. They all have these little face-to-face meetings with each other and then think they’ve joined an elite. Well, I’m very sorry, but they haven’t. Then we have these categories on his page, boasting about how many years they’ve been here as though that is proof of anything worth recording.

User:Bradv

Why are all North Americans called Brad or Randy? Winston Churchill's father was called Randolph and he was a very funny man, and by that I don’t mean amusing! He had a dreadful unmentionable disease - which is what happens when men behave like that. It can make them go blind and their hands drop off. My late father had a one-handed gardener and he was of very little use in the garden. He was able to operate a dibber though, which was quite useful in the spring. But what use is a gardener for just one season of the year? So I have my reservations about this candidate. We need to ask him about gardening - he may know quite a lot. Gadfium probably knows a lot about gardening, all New Zealanders do, it's because their scenery is so like the Cotswolds; probably safer to vote for him.

User:Barkeep49

Sound like a very dodgy additive for keeping wine fresh. I used one once and it didn't work, just gave the wine a very nasty taste. In Switzerland, they put antifreeze in wine, my under-gardener told me, but as I said to him: who drinks wine from Switzerland? I much prefer French, they are very good at making wine. Of course the Australians make a lot of it and the Californians too, band wagon jumping, I call it. I don't like their wines at all; if I want to taste blackcurrants, I shall open a bottle of Ribena. As for German wine, well I haven't forgiven them for the war - all that marching about singing songs in leather shorts - I don't hold with it at all. Now, New Zealand wine is very good indeed, well the white ones are best. I expect Gadfium makes very nice wine when he's not scoring tries and conversions and whatnot. We must all vote for him.

According to a category on his page, he’s signed the pledge. That’s very commendable, alcohol has been the ruin of so many. Were it not for medical reasons, I would sign it myself. Although my late father, who was very wise, always said never trust a man who doesn’t drink. However, he also said don’t trust any man less than 6ft 7inches tall. Daddy was rather mistrustful of people in general. Mamma had quite a difficult life, especially after his injury!

User:Isarra

Totally endorse. I wasn’t sure at first (I’m old enough to remember Isadora Duncan - enough said), but then I visited her page, and it seems we are identical in our views. Isadora says: “There might be wild, hungry cows on the loose.” Snap! That’s just what I’ve put on all the field gateways of my estate, it scares off all those ghastly, unwashed Rambling Association types. All this right to walk wherever, where will it end? In the garden of Buckingham Palace I expect and Jeremy Corbyn living there. I can’t bear him, he’s got a beard and we all know what that means.

Isadora sounds like a lovely girl, I wonder if Gadfium is married? New Zealand offers such a lot of opportunities, far more than Britain which has gone to pot completely. You wouldn’t believe my neighbours in Berkeley Square these days, all Olegs and Vladimirs; it will be the Americans next - Randys and Brads. Why don’t New Zealanders make pots of money and buy up London? At one time, the nearest one got to a Russian was buying caviar in Harrods. Now, they’re everywhere. Just look at what happened to the poor Tsar. It will all end in tears. Thank Goodness for dear Isadora, we must all vote for her.

User:KrakatoaKatie

“Hello – welcome! I'm Katie and I'm an American from the central part of the United States. I'm an avid knitter, reader, music lover, baseball fan, and enthusiastic Wikipedian.”

Now, it’s not often I feel qualified to discuss health issues, but Katie suffers from cluster headaches, well I can tell her now: it’s all that knitting my dear. It’s the click clicking and flashing about and eyes moving and darting one way and another without moving the head. Problem solved with no charge other than having to buy your own stockings and twinsets. Now assuming my advice is taken, I feel I can endorse this candidate. We need more sensible ladies, we had dear little Mrs Risker, but she seems to have been pensioned off of late, and she seems to have been the only one ever. I hope they haven’t murdered her, I wouldn’t be the least surprised. There were one or two other ladies, but I had my suspicions about them. To date, I have never been called to Glory (many have prayed for that day) and I would doubtless be excellent, but I’m afraid, I must decline. So I strongly feel dear Katie from Middle-America must be elected. We need more Middle-Americans with their wholesome values of temperance, God and healthy eating on the Arbcom.

I’m changing my mind on this one. Apparently, she hands out checkuser tools willy nilly ignoring the concerns of other check-users, which seems very odd to me. Naive, I call it. It’s Middle-America: too much apple pie and smiling at each other - never trust anyone who smiles too much and they all smile at each other in those parts.

User:Xeno

The Chinese are all very clever and very good eye surgeons, so this candidate is quite hopeful. I shall return.

My research suggests the Chinese have banned Wikipedia or the internet or something or other in China; they seem to ban almost as many things as the current Arbcom, so we need more Chinese people. I’ve never been to China, but I expect it’s very nice, they drink a lot of tea and I’m very fond of a pot of Darjeeling. Apparently, they have a very big wall, so there’s something they could teach our American friends how to build because they want one too. The Germans had one, but they knocked their’s down, which was silly, as they could have sold it to the Americans and made a profit. I think there’s an old one somewhere in Northumberland - if that frightful Mr Corbyn gets in, perhaps he could sell that to the Americans. But then the Scottish want independence, so perhaps we may need it. One despairs of politics, one really does. I don’t care for the Scottish, all those kilts and highland flings, no wonder so many of them escape to the south and become gamekeepers. I’ve never seen a Chinese gamekeeper though, so perhaps it’s time we had one on the Arbcom.

User:Newyorkbrad

Ah dear old Brad, a very old and close friend of mine. He has been here for ever and is truly remarkable for his age, I don't know how he does it. His eyes always light up and twinkle when he sees me. I can feel his passions pulsating across the room in my direction, even now. Oh dear Brad, we first met when he was stationed in England during the WW2; I was a code breaker at Bletchley Park and he came to me as he was having trouble reading a letter from home - the American education system wasn't very good in those days. It was love at first sight, I shall never forget our jitterbug on VE Night. Those were the days - sadly, my father had promised me to another. Anyway, I digress, as long as his doctor says it won't be overtaxing him, I think we can safely vote for him.

User:The Rambling Man

My dearest and greatest friend Lady Astor used to have a test for men, she used to say to them "tell me more about yourself." If they then did, she would then strike them off her guest list and the social register. No one likes a bore. I'm afraid the omens aren't good here.

Of course, he could be a member of the Ramblers Association; they are a group of subversive British neo-Marxists who spend their Saturday afternoons wandering aimlessly about over other people's private estates, they are probably all vegans and hunt saboteurs too! Best to vote for Gadfium who spends his Saturday afternoons playing for the All Blacks, which is healthy and to be admired. I wonder if he rides to hounds? Do they have them in new Zealand? I expect they do, they are all fearless riders and horsemen.

User:David Fuchs

It's one of those dreadfully embarrassing problems we all have. One has rehearsed a speech and presentation to ones local branch of the Women's Institute perfectly, but as one stands up to begin, one suddenly has a crisis of confidence over pronunciation and has to change the wording completely and then the meaning is quite lost. People always think I am a very confident person, but inside I am not, I am full of insecurities (yes, me; it's hard to believe, I know), for that reason, I will never permit to my gardener to plants Fuchsia because when giving talks to the public who come to my open-garden days, the dear old man does tend to read the plant labels phonetically. So one can't take the risk. So I feel the same thing here; I may change my mind nearer to election day.

User:Beeblebrox

Entomology is a very interesting subject, but quite why one chose to name yourself so is a mystery. I shall investigate further.

Well. I cant find anything about beetles, which is good as I don't like them, they munch their way through ones Astrakhans even faster than the Pekingese. However, I have had a good look around this person, and I have to say I have my concerns, deep concerns. It seems they are very chatty; not that that's anything to worry about as I'm very chatty myself, although I am the soul of discretion and can be as silent as a grave when required. And there is the problem "when required" can this person be as silent a a grave? I fear not. It seems Beeblebrox likes to collect Wikipedia trophies, Lord Mountbatten was just the same. However, in Beetle's case, it's not medals and title, but such things as checkuser, then having got them, he doesn't know what to do with them, except to have a peek at the logs - which must be very handy, I would be quite intrigued to look people up myself. Have you seen what Debrett's charge now for a new copy of Who's Who? So just think how useful that must be. Now is the lust to be on the Arbcom just another way of having a trophy to wave about whilst spraying champagne over everyone? It seems he's not universally trusted by his peers either. That is very odd indeed because it's important to be trusted by one's peers. So I think I will pass this candidate by.

User:Llywrch

The double Ll suggests he is Welsh. On the whole, I approve of the Welsh and Wales. Of course, the food there is terrible and it’s impossible to find a hairdresser capable of anything beyond a dye consisting of black ink and the northern Welsh can be a trifle chippy, but they do have choirs, charming scenery and, most importantly, a rugby team. Of course we already have Gadfium who plays superbly for the All Blacks, and is one of their star players, but can one ever have too many rugby players in a team? I’m sure dear Llywrch has been capped for Wales many times, so I endorse this candidate. The Lady Catherine de Burgh (talk) 22:40, 27 November 2019 (UTC)

User:Maxim

I wonder if its the same one who was married to Rebecca, I normally like books about the upper classes as I feel it gives the lower orders a glimpse of how to behave properly. However, poor Rebecca was murdered most cruelly, the world would be a very sorry place if every poor woman who strayed a little because of a boring husband was murdered, and he did it. Then having put poor Rebecca firmly at the bottom of the sea married some other poor girl. I'm not sure about this candidate at all. Then his house burnt down very mysteriously - I call that very suspicious. Would any woman on the Arbcom be safe? I don't know why Agatha Christie wrote such lurid things, I must ask little Mrs Bishonen, she's very hot on English literature and the classics, which is funny as she's Scandinavian, but then Scandinavians have all those interminably long thrillers as they rush about murdering each other in very nice woolly jumpers - I had a box-set for Christmas last year - videos not jumpers, so I know all about it. They are so much better than the book, one doesn't have to concentrate so hard, that's the trouble with Shakespeare one loses the plot so, and they aren't very good plots at that - just look at Romeo and Juliette, my Pekingese could have written it.

User:SoWhy

Very good question, and I don't see this user doing a great deal to answer it.

User:Kudpung

Oh I remember this one from last time. All that camel trecking in the Himalayas with goats and whatnot. I'm not sure at all. He complained about me last time too - Me?I should be the one complaining - all that humping about with camels and yaks and things. I call that very odd indeed. If people want to go to Singapore (and I can't think why they do), they should just get on with it and go, not stay here running for Arbcom. They don't have smelly, spitting yaks in New Zealand and that's another good reason for voting for Gadfium.

User:DGG

I am never sure about acronyms, and experience has taught me they are usually an affectation. Is it just me who has noticed that girls who like to be known as JJ, BB and DD etc always like to be photographed with their very white teethed smiling, blonded heads held fetchingly to one side in what they imagine is an attractive pose to better exert their only talent in life - their ability to steal plainer girls’ boyfriends. Then there is their male counterpart, the TJs, PJs and JJs. Apart from prowess in American football, ice hockey and sometimes rowing, they aren’t generally too bright, their only talent being their ability to have carnal relations, lasting 45 seconds, with the JJs, BBS and DDs. One wonders what they call the progeny from these trysts. Then they all reach maturity and simply disappear from the face of the earth, I wonder what happens to them? I’m sure DGG is marvellous and nothing like the above, but I don’t think I’ll take the risk.

User:Calidum

I just looked at his user page because I don't know him. He talks about himself in the third person. I think that's very odd. Queen Victoria used to do that too, and she was a very strange woman indeed. Once accused my great grandmother of having designs on Prince Albert - he should be so lucky. My great grandfather was a fine figure of a man, known as Donkey to his comrades in the regiment - on account of his long memory - my great grandmother had eyes for no other. Queen Victoria could also be very narrow minded and opinionated, which is a pity as the advice my aunt, her Lady of the Bedchamber, gave her on running the country would have been very sound if taken. I'm sorry, I'm not at all sure here.

User:Enterprisey

Enterprising in what? May one ask! This user sounds very forward a little too full of beans for my liking. I had a young cousin who was enterprising once, and she met a very sticky end. It doesn't do to be enterprising.

User:Eric Corbett

Poor Mr Corbett isn't actually standing at the moment because the electoral scrutineers, or whatever they are called, have taken away his megaphone which I think is very unfair. He would be very good on the Arbcom as he comes from somewhere in Northern England, and they are all very blunt and grumpy in the North; well so would anyone be, all that dreadful weather and life-style - and as for the architecture!. I've seen several episodes of Coronation Street, so I know all too well how hard and unpleasant life can be there. I am digressing: Mr Corbett actually writes the encyclopedia, hundreds and thousands of pages, although some of his pages are a trifle dull and he does have a penchant for places with very rude names - I'm surprised the middle-classes (don't you just hate them all?) haven't made their local councils change all those dreadfully horrid names - my gardener is always moaning about having to live in "Cesspit Cottage", but I said to him: "Titchmarsh, what else would one call a cottage built on top of the village sewer?" and he said said "It' not the name Milady, it's the location." I do love the humour of the lower orders, and that's where people go all wrong with Mr Corbett, when he says something rude, he doesn't actually mean to be rude, he just being a tad blunt in a Northern fashion. But (nanny used to say never start a sentence with "But", but Mr Corbett says one can - and he knows about grammar) he's written most of the project, so he should be allowed a little leeway. Otherwise, it's just all the people who've made up the rules running the show - and while policemen are such lovely people (I organise a charity ball and fundraiser every year for them) one doesn't necessarily want to invite them to dinner, if you follow my school of thought. So we need people, like Darling Eric, to help with governance. As I said somewhere above, during the war, I was a code breaker at Bletchley Park, so you may have to read between my lines here, but if you think about it, and why not do? - Mr Corbett can only be a source for good on the Arbcom and if he cant be there then he should be allowed to do what he does best, just writing for the benefit of mankind. However, while I don't have a middle-class bone in my rather well preserved body, even I request that he doesn't further research Gropecunt Lane. People just don't want to know about that kind of thing - do they?

Mrs Bishonen

Now! Here we have someone who should have been on the Arbcom hundreds of years ago. Despite the challenges of old age, she battles on doing her best for the project, far more so than most! Completely impartial, often mistakenly so in my view! If that dreadful Wales man (I’ve never cared for the Welsh - all those sheep and valleys are just too dull and only serve to encourage them) had any sense, she would have been co-opted on years ago. We should all protest until she is made some sort of emeritus whatnot. She’s even written pages - and that’s a rarity here in itself. Not as many as Mr Corbett, but then they probably don’t have roads called Shagascandabrod Lane in those parts, which must be very limiting. We need to get Mrs B co-opted onto the committee, tout de suite.