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Wikipedia:Peer review/Freida Pinto/archive2

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Freida Pinto edit

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I've listed this article for peer review because the last time when it was submitted here, it hardly received any interest. There were reservations about prose during the FAC, as a result of which I had to withdraw the nomination. I want to take this article to FA in good time. Thanks, —Vensatry (ping) 12:53, 5 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Cirt edit

Just posting some ideas on how to get further input for copyediting help:

  1. Post to WP:GOCE requests page for a copyeditor to come through from the WikiProject Guild of Copyeditors.
  2. Post to all related WikiProject talk pages with a neutrally worded notice for a request for copyediting help.
  3. Consult Wikipedia:Peer review/volunteers and post to user talk pages of those that have stated interest in the subject matter with a neutrally worded request for copyediting help.
  4. Ask some of your own friends, even if they're not Wikipedia editors themselves, to read over the article -- try to find those friends of yours with either Native-level English-speaking skills, or Professional-level.
  5. Read the article out-loud to yourself and to your friends or in front of a mirror. If you find yourself pausing to take a breath multiple times, it's possible you have some run-on-sentences or just too long sentences.

Hope that's helpful,

— Cirt (talk) 16:56, 5 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@Cirt: Thanks for your time but this isn't going to help us anyway in improving the article. Can you please point out prose glitches that seem apparent to you? If you find time, feel free to edit the article yourself. —Vensatry (ping) 18:27, 5 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
At the moment I'm afraid I don't have the mindset for that, a bit of stress in life. But hopefully if you do indeed follow my above recommendations, you will find it helpful to at least do the due diligence to try and get additional copyeditors. Good luck to you, — Cirt (talk) 18:33, 5 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
Sure! —Vensatry (ping) 13:36, 6 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Relentlessly edit

I'm doing a copyedit myself, but there are a few things that I'm not up to fixing but I'll draw attention to here:

  • "aspire" – You use this word too frequently. It's quite vague and not terribly elegant.
  • "Later, she enrolled in an acting course" – More precision, please. Though I don't think this is important enough to go in the lead.
  • Ditto the philanthropic stuff. Lovely, of course, but I'm not sure it belongs in the lead unless it's very important, in which case you need to establish that better.
    • Since the lead is supposed to summarise the whole article it very well goes into it. But I think you're right about "establishing" the stuff. Any suggestions? —Vensatry (ping) 18:22, 13 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
      • Unless she's well noted for her philanthropy, I'm not sure what you can say. But you can cut down the content in the lead, to something like "Alongside her acting career, she has taken part in philanthropic and humanitarian campaigns." Relentlessly (talk) 20:10, 13 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
  • "endorsing products" – "Advertising", surely? I tried opening the link to check, but it spent so long showing adverts I gave up. This does slightly make me question its reliability as a source, but I don't know.
    • Removed "endorsing" – good catch. The link works for me, nevertheless, added another source. —Vensatry (ping) 07:06, 14 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
  • " The film was universally acclaimed" – That's quite a claim and doesn't seem substantiated by the reviews, as the only one of which you cite calls it a "colossal waste of time". (The "universal acclaim" seems to be for Tess itself, rather than for the adaptation.)
    • You're quite right! This was mentioned in the previous FAC as well. Removed —Vensatry (ping) 18:22, 13 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
  • " The film showcased the power of education" – Not sure about the use of "showcase". Perhaps "portrayed"?
  • " Before making her film début, Pinto was engaged to her former publicist Rohan Antao." Unclear. Was he her publicist while they were engaged? The source isn't any clearer, I know, but is there some information somewhere? It reads very badly. If you can't find anything, I suggest "Before her appearance in Slumdog Millionaire, Pinto was engaged to Rohan Antao, who had at one point been her publicist."
    • I'm unable to find the "timeline". Rephrased as suggested. —Vensatry (ping) 18:22, 13 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

To be honest, this is a long way from my area of expertise. I think I've generally cleared up the more problematic grammar/style problems. Things to pay particular attention to are comma splices, excessive use of the passive voice and sentences where the substantial point is in a subclause.

  • The tables are mostly unreferenced. I know the information is all in the article text, but it would not hurt to add it there as well.
    • Except for one entry, all have their own articles; I'll add a source for the red-linked one. Unless the filmography is to be forked out into a separate page, I don't think its necessary. —Vensatry (ping) 18:22, 13 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
  • I do wonder about whether the article is substantial enough to be an FA. It's short, which isn't necessarily a problem, but a lot of it seems highly padded-out and some parts feel a bit trivial, especially §§ Personal life​ and Media image. This isn't an objection per se, just a feeling I have reading it.

Let me know if you have any questions or further requests! Relentlessly (talk) 21:28, 9 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

  • @Relentlessly: Thanks for your work on the article. As for comprehensiveness, for someone whose career is relatively short, I don't think I'll be able to find anything more than what's been already included in the article. I have discussed every single film of her's (including a few documentaries) in the film career section. She is too young to discuss about the acting style, critical analysis of her roles, etc., —Vensatry (ping) 10:27, 10 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
    • No problem at all. I agree with you that there isn't any more to be said – it's just a question of whether there is enough that can be said! But this seems like a decent article. Relentlessly (talk) 12:10, 10 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
      • @Relentlessly: Thanks for offering your time and work. I've addressed all of them, hopefully to your satisfaction. —Vensatry (ping) 07:06, 14 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
        • Happy with this from a copy-editing point of view. The subject matter I don't know about, and I haven't gone into the sources, etc. Relentlessly (talk) 08:09, 14 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Image review from SNUGGUMS edit

On another note, Daily Mail and Daily Mirror are not reliable. I'll leave prose and spotcheck to other users. Snuggums (talk / edits) 23:55, 24 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@SNUGGUMS: Is there a consensus not to use those sources in WP? —Vensatry (ping) 08:52, 25 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
Probably; the majority of editors I know would advise against using them, especially when there are better quality UK papers such as The Daily Telegraph, The Guardian, and The Independent. Snuggums (talk / edits) 14:31, 25 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
Daily Mirror and Daily Mail are notorious for poor journalistic practices. They're in fact used as examples of mainstream media source which are unreliable WP:PUS. -- Frankie talk 15:35, 27 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
Removed all except an interview which tells her wish to become a barmaid. —Vensatry (ping) 18:48, 27 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thoughts from Cliftonian edit

I've been asked on my talk page to have a look in here. I know nothing about Pinto, but I'll do my best.

  • Wasn't Mumbai officially called Bombay in 1984? I thought the name change was only in 1995.
  • We introduce her as "an American actress of Indian descent". Does this mean she's dropped Indian citizenship and become a US citizen, or what?
    • I don't think she has dropped the Indian citizenship. I've rephrased this slightly. You might want to have another look. —Vensatry (ping) 10:32, 26 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
      • I think that's an improvement. I don't know the exact particulars of the case, but given what we know it is probably best to introduce her as Indian—it seems that her parents were both Indian and she was born, raised and educated there. If ten or twenty years down the line she's spent her whole career in America, we have reliable sources saying she's switched her Indian citizenship for American, etc, then perhaps it might be time to look at this again. —  Cliftonian (talk)  10:39, 26 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
  • Were both of her parents Indian? Mangalorean Catholics, specifically?
    • Guess so; the sources tell us she belongs to the 'Mangalorean Catholic' community. —Vensatry (ping) 10:32, 26 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
  • I did a bit of copyediting here and there but generally the prose looks quite good to me. I don't feel qualified to comment on due weight and so on.

I'm sorry not to have much to say here. I hope this helps in any case. Cheers and good luck. —  Cliftonian (talk)  19:59, 25 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@Cliftonian: Thanks for the review and copy-edits; the comments were really helpful. However, I have a few clarifications as stated above. —Vensatry (ping) 10:32, 26 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
Great. I'm glad to have been helpful. Cheers and good luck. —  Cliftonian (talk)  10:39, 26 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Jim edit

Nice article. I can't find much wrong with it, but a couple of points Jimfbleak - talk to me? 09:34, 27 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

  • English literature, with minors in Psychology and Economics.— the minors should be lc like "literature"
  • This took her to many countries, including Fiji, Malaysia, and Thailand—lose the weaselly "many"
  • I'd add a gloss to "Mangalorean Catholic" on the lines of "a community originating in the former Portuguese colony of Goa" since that would explain her Portuguese name and catholic religion without having to read the linked article
      • I understand that; it's just a suggestion that you are free to ignore, and I'm not wedded to a particular form of words. I just thought that for someone who is unfamiliar with that region, it may not be obvious why an Indian woman has a Portuguese name and is neither Hindu or Muslim. While the linked article clarifies that, I thought a short gloss here might help. Your call entirely Jimfbleak - talk to me? 15:27, 27 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
        • Perhaps replacing Goa with Mangalore would do, I guess. Thanks —Vensatry (ping) 15:37, 27 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
          • Done as suggested. I think you're right; replacing Goa with Mangalore would have a different meaning. —Vensatry (ping) 15:49, 27 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]
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