Fairfax Harrison edit
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because although I hadn't really intended him to go to FAC, it's looking like he's about as good as it gets in terms of research and other things. Would greatly appreciated people looking at all the fussy little details as well as comprehensibility for the non-specialist.
Thanks, Ealdgyth - Talk 14:23, 9 May 2011 (UTC)
Brianboulton comments: One "fussy little detail": why is "Google books" listed as author and publisher of A Selection of the Letters of Fairfax Harrison, with the publication year missing? The link gives details of author, publisher and date. Brianboulton (talk) 22:41, 16 May 2011 (UTC)
- Because I'm citing the information from Google's web page, not the book itself. I've not laid hands on the actual work, so I'm citing Google's book database here. I could switch it out for World Cat, I suppose. Ealdgyth - Talk 22:45, 16 May 2011 (UTC)
Doing... Brianboulton (talk) 18:58, 25 May 2011 (UTC)
Here are some comments on the first half: I'll get to the rest later:-
- Lead
- I suggest "Confederacy" rather than "Confederate in "the Confederate President". Why not add his name?
- "vice president of finance of Southern Railway" - the "of ... of" constructure is ugly; why not "he was the company's vice president of finance...", which helps to reduce repetition of the name?
- Second paragraph: "during ... during" repetition in the first line.
- "Another concern..." You haven't really identified other issues as "concerns", so "another" reads oddly. Maybe "A particular objective..." or some such?
- I don't quite understand "and the extent of service for the railway". Isn't that covered by increasing the amount of tracks?
- Third paragraph: I would say "managed", rather than "struggled".
- I would split the final sentence, which presently has five clauses.
- Background and early life
- Non-Americans may not know that Jefferson Davis was "the Confederate/cy President"
- Briefly say who Francis Burton Harrison was rather than forcing use of link.
- The section is a little thin. Did Fairfax grow up in New York? Do we know where he went to school, before Yale? Do we know what subjects he took his degrees in, at Yale and Columbia? Any such information would presnt a more rounded picture.
- Early career
- "...later becoming an assistant to the company's president in 1903 and Vice-President in 1906." There is some odd capitalization here. Also, we don't need "later" and the year 1903. Also, as written it's not clear what the sentence is saying. It presumably means that Harrison, after working as an assistant to the president in 1903, became a company Vice-President in 1906. But it could be read as meaning that he was secretary, first to the president and then to the VP. Why not merge with the next sentence, to get: "becoming an assistant to the company's president in 1903 and, in 1906, vice-president in charge of finance and accounting"?
- "in order" is excess verbiage
- "Southern United States" reads a bit formally. I would say "the southern states", and pipe a link.
- First years as president
- Two different programs are described in the first paragraph. The final sentence begins "This program..." - to which is it referring?
- As the word "engineer" is not used in this context in the UK, I suggest you pipelink locomotive enginer thus.
- "oversaw the overhaul" is inelegant
- "Also significant was..." reads as editorial opinion, as does the word "unusual" later in the sentence.
- What is meant by a "foreign trade department"?
Brianboulton (talk) 23:29, 25 May 2011 (UTC)