Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/San Junipero/archive1

The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was archived by Ian Rose via FACBot (talk) 06:59, 27 August 2018 [1].

San Junipero edit

Nominator(s): — Bilorv_(c)(talk) 22:35, 25 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Black Mirror is an infamously dark and depressing anthology series, but as it moved to Netflix, Charlie Brooker marked the show's new era by writing what is, in my opinion, the most beautiful and uplifting love story in the history of television. I hope the article does justice to this superb hour of drama. — Bilorv_(c)(talk) 22:35, 25 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Aoba47 edit

For this sentence (Written by series creator and showrunner Charlie Brooker and directed by Owen Harris, it premiered on Netflix on 21 October 2016, together with the rest of series three.), I do not believe that the “together” part is necessary.
The caption for the infobox image should not have punctuation as it is not a full sentence.
I will have to preface my comments by saying that I have not seen this episode (or any episodes from this series). I find the “Plot” section to be confusing, particularly the jump from the first paragraph to the second paragraph. There is a large time jump between 1987 to 2002, and that left me confused. Are Yorkie and Kelly in 2002 played by the same actresses from 1987 version? Are they treated as being the same age? I am just lost with the whole timeline. I would imagine that writing a plot summary for a show with twists must difficult.
I have two comments about this sentence (Kelly (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), a vivacious party girl, begins talking to Yorkie in order to ditch Wes (Gavin Stenhouse), a man with whom Kelly previously had sex.). You can revise “begins talking to Yorkie in order to ditch” to “talks to Yorkie to ditch” for more concise language. Also, I would replace “Yorkie” with “her” as it is clear from the context of the section and it is best to avoid repeating the characters’ names a lot in a short space.
For this sentence (Kelly and Yorkie dance, but Yorkie becomes uncomfortable and flees the club.), I think that “leaves” would be a better word choice than “flees” as the current wording seems very dramatic in my opinion.
I am a little confused by this sentence (Kelly follows and propositions Yorkie, who declines, saying she is engaged.). What sort of “proposition” was Kelly offering Yorkie? A sexual one? A romantic one? I would clarify this in the prose.
I would revise this sentence (Yorkie and Kelly reunite in the bathroom, and they then have sex at Kelly's beach house.) to (Yorkie and Kelly reunited in the bathroom and later have sex at Kelly’s beach house.).
For this sentence (Yorkie confesses that it is her first time having sex, and Kelly reveals that she was once married to a man.), I believe that it should be “it was her first time” as I would imagine that she is saying this after they already had sex as opposing to during it.
I would revise the beginning part of this sentence (It is revealed that San Junipero is a simulated reality where the deceased can live and the elderly can visit, all inhabiting their younger selves' bodies.) to “San Junipero is revealed to be a…).
I am not sure about the quote use in this sentence (Wes advises her to "try a different time.”). I think you can safely paraphrase this.
For this sentence ( After Yorkie leaves, Kelly follows and confesses that she is dying), does Kelly say how she is dying in the scene?
For this sentence (Kelly's husband Richard chose to die in the same way because of the untimely death of their daughter, Alison, at age 39.), I think you can remove “untimely” as it sounds strange to me.
This sentence (Yorkie runs after her and catches up just as Kelly disappears, her visiting time over for the week.) could use from revision as it is awkwardly worded.
For this sentence (She is euthanised and buried alongside her husband and daughter, and inside San Junipero, she happily reunites with Yorkie.), I would place the “inside San Junipero” at the end of the sentence.
For this sentence ("San Junipero" is the fourth episode of series three), I would mention Black Mirror by name and wikilink it as it is the first instance in which you mention it in the body of the article.
For this sentence (all six episodes in this series were released on Netflix simultaneously on 21 October 2016.), I would place “simultaneously” directly after “released”.
Please link” Nosedive” to the appropriate article when you first mention it in the body of the article. The same comment applies for “Be Right Back”.
For this sentence (One reviewer noted that "San Junipero" contained "only American characters”.), I think you can paraphrase the quote.
For this sentence (The episode was set in California as another way to "upend" people's preconceptions of Black Mirror.), does the reviewer explain how the location “upends” preconceptions? I am not fully understanding what this means.
Please make sure that the images have appropriate ALT text.
You mention multiple songs being featured in the episode in the body of the article, but only one song is in the infobox.
For this sentence (In December 2016 Lakeshore Records released the score for downloading and streaming.), please include a comma after “2016”.
I would revise this sentence (Use of sound design such as sound effects were key to this.) to avoid the use of “this”.
I do not see the need for the rainbow flag image in the article.
For this sentence (Dibdin calls it a "modern fairy tale”.), please identify “Dibdin” as this is the first time you mention this person.
I would see if there is a way you could combine these two sentences (The episode's more hopeful tone is unusual for the show—at the time of its release, "San Junipero" was considered to be the most different from other Black Mirrorepisodes.) as they appear to say very similar things.
For this part (Goodman and Atad both opined that the story would leave viewers in tears,), the references need to be placed in numerical order. I would check the article for this.
For reference 19, avoid shouting and do not put “Interview” in all caps.

Great job with the article. I will support this for promotion once my comments are addressed. I would greatly appreciate if you could provide comments on my current FAC. Either way, have a great rest of your day and/or night! Aoba47 (talk) 04:57, 27 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Coord note edit

This has been open a month and only just received commentary, so I can see it remaining open another month before possibly achieving consensus to promote. I'll therefore archive and ask that work on the above comments be undertaken outside the FAC process. Once that's done I'd suggest trying a Peer Review, pinging relevant WikiProjects and editors who might like to participate. Then you should be in a better position to try another FAC nomination that could generate more timely review. Another avenue to a FAC nomination that you could try after a Peer Review is the FAC mentioning scheme. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 06:58, 27 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Closing note: This candidate has been archived, but there may be a delay in bot processing of the close. Please see WP:FAC/ar, and leave the {{featured article candidates}} template in place on the talk page until the bot goes through. Ian Rose (talk) 06:59, 27 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]

The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.