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Talk:2011 Brickyard 400

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GA Review edit

Latest comment: 9 years ago39 comments2 people in discussion
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This review is transcluded from Talk:2011 Brickyard 400/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Good888 (talk · contribs) 13:38, 11 November 2014 (UTC)Reply

NASCAR may not be my strongest point of knowledge but I think I can review this.

@Good888: Thank you for your comments. I figured the prose would have some cleaning up to do, so I'll try to address that as soon as I can, hopefully later tonight if I have the time. Thanks, --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 20:24, 11 November 2014 (UTC)Reply

Lead section

  • "He remained 53 points behind tenth place driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and two ahead of Kasey Kahne in seventh." I am guessing you meant seventeenth?
The standings appear to be screwed up in many different places; I'll look at this when I have more time. --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 21:23, 11 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 02:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply

Practice and qualifying

  • "around seven thousandths of a second faster than Kasey Kahne" Rewrite "faster than second placed Kasey Kahne".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 21:23, 11 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "Hamlin followed in the third position ahead of Edwards, David Ragan, and Kurt Busch." Rewrite to: "followed in third place".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 21:23, 11 November 2014 (UTC)Reply

Race

  • "However, Kahne managed to take the first position before the conclusion of the first lap." Change to "Kahne managed to take first before the conclusion of the first lap."
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "Two laps later, Allmendinger moved up to the third position after passing Kurt Busch." Change to "Allmendinger moved up to third".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "On the sixth lap of the race, Trevor Bayne had to go to pit lane after overheating." Doesn't sound right. Rewrite to "Trevor Bayne was forced to go to the pit lane after overheating."
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "Three laps later, Gordon moved up to the second position." Remove the in "the second position".
  Done? Not quite sure what you meant here, but I tweaked it (hopefully for the better). --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
Oops I meant change to "to second" Never mind anyway. good888 (talk) 09:19, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "On the 22nd lap, Kenseth passed Allmendinger for the fourth position." Change to "for fourth".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "which moved Kahne back into the first position." Change to "into first".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "Four laps later, the first caution was given because of debris on the racing surface." What caused the debris to appear?
  Not done This is something that typically is not revealed to the audience. Unless it is obvious (such as a piece of tire from a car that just hit the wall), "debris" is simply a generic term. It could be anything from a piece that inexplicably fell off of a car, to a beer can, to a caution light shade, to pretty much anything else that could negatively interfere the conditions on the track. --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "At the lap 38 restart" Rewrite to "At the restart on the 38th lap".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "On the following lap, Hamlin moved up to the fifth position" Rewrite to "to fifth".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "On the 57th lap, Kenseth and Johnson passed Kyle Busch for the fourth and fifth position." Change to "for fourth and fifth place respectively."
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "Four laps later, Kahne moved up to the fourth position." Change to "to fourth".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "On lap 68, Johnson passed his team-mate Earnhardt, Jr. to take the second position." Change to "to take second".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "At the lap 97 restart" Rewrite to "At the restart on lap 97".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "On the 101st lap, Kahne took the sixth position from Hamlin." Rewrite to "took sixth".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "Montoya moved up to the third position" Rewrite to "to third".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "At the lap 117 restart" Rewrite to "At the restart on lap 117".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "On the following lap, Montoya moved up to the third position, as Marcos Ambrose had a drive through penalty after switching lanes before the start, finish line." Change "Montoya moved up to the third position" to "Montoya moved up to third" and change "had a drive through" to "received a drive-through."
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "as Clint Bowyer moved into the second position." Rewrite to "into second".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "as Gordon overtook Kenseth for the fourth position." Change to "for fourth".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "Afterward, Ragan pitted" change to Afterwards
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "moving Stewart into the first position." Change to "into first".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "moving Menard into the first position." Change to "into first".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "With ten laps remaining, Trevor Bayne moved up to the tenth position, three laps before McMurray became the leader." Change to "up to tenth". Also, how did McMurray become the leader. Did he overtake Menard or did Menard suffer problems?
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "By the 155th lap, Gordon had moved up to the fifth position" Rewrite to "to fifth".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "as the drivers infron of him are at a slower pace" Infront you mean. Also change are to were.
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "Menard reclaimed the first position from McMurray" change to "reclaimed first".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "as Gordon moved to third" Up to third you mean.
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "On the final lap, Gordon moved into the second position" Change to "moved up to second".
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 01:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply

Post-race

  • "The race result moved Menard up five positions to 14th in the Driver's Championship." Hang on, you said that he moved up to 15th in the lead section. Which is correct?
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 02:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • "6.4 million people watched the race on television." Curious. Does that mean live on television. If so, note that in this sentence.
  Done --Bentvfan54321 (talk) 02:04, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply

With all these errors, I am going to place it on hold for now. good888 (talk) 13:38, 11 November 2014 (UTC)Reply

Nice work Bentvfan54321. Going to promote to GA class. good888 (talk) 09:19, 12 November 2014 (UTC)Reply

External links modified edit

Latest comment: 6 years ago1 comment1 person in discussion

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