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Wikipedia:Peer review/York Park/archive3

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York Park edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I intend to take it to FAC and It would be great to get some fresh eyes to look at the article.

Thanks, Aaroncrick (talk) 06:54, 8 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is most interesting, appears to be comprehensive, and is nicely illustrated. I think it's close to FA, but it needs a bit more work on prose and Manual of Style issues. I made a fair number of minor proofing and copyediting changes as I worked through the article, and here is a list of similar things that need attention.

Lead

  • "it has been known as Aurora Stadium, under a six-year naming rights sponsorship deal" - Tighten by changing to "it has been known as Aurora Stadium, under a six-year naming rights agreement"?
  • "its record attendance is 20,971" - "Was" rather than "is"? Or "its record attendance, 20,971, was set in June 2006 when Hawthorn played Richmond in an Australian Football League (AFL) match."

Australian football

  • "Fremantle were a point ahead when the siren to end the game sounded during a stoppage for a ball-up" - Wikilink ball-up?
  • "was cancelled when a St. Kilda player was felled after the ball was kicked, earning a free kick" - Wikilink free kick? I'm assuming this was a direct free kick, but I don't actually know.
  • "The stadium's sirens have since been replaced, with the older sirens to be put on display at the Queen Victoria Museum and Art Gallery." - "With" makes a weak conjunction. I've recast a few of these "with-as-conjunction" sentences here and there in the article, but you might fix this one and look for others. Assuming the sirens have been put on display by now, you might say, "The stadium's sirens have since been replaced, and the older sirens are displayed at the Queen Victoria Museum and Art Gallery." I don't have a ref for this.

Other uses

  • Sentences should not start with digits, according to the Manual of Style. I fixed one instance, but here's another: "8,061 attended the fixture the following year, with another rematch in 2008 and 2009." You can spell out the number or recast the sentence to make the 8,061 appear somewhere other than the first position.
  • "in his only Tasmanian appearance to date" - "Through 2009" rather than "to date"? "To date" might not be true a year from now.

Structures and facilities

  • "Next to Aurora Function Centre is the heritage listed Northern Stand connecting the Northern" - Should "heritage listed" be linked or explained?
  • "The public Hall of Fame opened to the public on Saturday 21 February, 2009." - Delete "Saturday"? Delete the comma.

History

  • "A cycling track surrounded the perimeter fence until a new velodrome" - Wikilink velodrome?
  • "drainage system able to disperse up to 100mm of rain" - All metric measurements should also be converted to imperial. The primary unit should be spelled out and the secondary unit abbreviated, according to MOS:CONVERSIONS. Ditto for any similar instances in the article.

Record crowds

  • "The record grounds record attendance is 20,971" - Is the duplication of "record" deliberate?
  • "However, this was before the Northern Stand was damaged, allowing many more people to fit inside the stadium." - You might want to recast this sentence to avoid making it sound as if the damage allowed many more people to fit inside. {done}}
  • "20,011 saw an AFL match between Hawthorn" - Here's another sentence that starts with digits.

Notes

  • Newspaper names like The Examiner should be italicized. Publishers like Tasmanian Government and Australian Broadcasting Corporation should not be italicized.
  • In Citation 34, the publisher is given as Tasmanian Government. That should be "g" rather than "G".
  • Citation 31 has one d-m-y date format. Since you've chosen yyyy-mm-dd for most of the others, this one should be the same. Ditto for Citation 52, and it's possible I missed one or two more.
  • Some of The Examiner publication dates are missing. It would be good to fill those in if you can.

References

  • It would be good to add the place of publication if known.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article on a topic of your own choosing. We need all the help we can get. Finetooth (talk) 04:01, 13 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

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