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Wikipedia:Peer review/Twin Spica/archive1

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Twin Spica edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review in advance of a featured article candidacy. It was listed as a good article last month, and I have made a few changes since. This includes the redistribution of content from a stubby section to other larger sections. I would appreciate a copyedit as I have reached my limit of good writing.

Thanks, Arsonal (talk) 20:08, 28 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This seems close to FA quality. I have a few suggestions for further improvement, but this is a very nice article.

Lead

  • "Japanese high school students training to become astronauts in the early twenty-first century" - Maybe "21st century" rather than "twenty-first" since other two-digit numbers in the article appear as digits?
  • "a disaster that causes a high number of civilian casualties" - Perhaps "many" rather than "a high number of"?

Story

  • "causing a high number of casualties" - "Many" rather than "a high number of"?
  • "the public accuse those involved" - I believe "public", like "group" is singular, and that the verb should be "accuses".

Main characters

  • "Their friendship develops in several short stories prior to serialization as Twin Spica, where he nurtures Asumi's interest in space throughout her childhood." - I think you mean that the nurturing occurs in the short stories rather than in Twin Spica. Since the preceding sentence makes clear that the short stories preceded serialization, could this sentence be re-cast as "Their friendship develops in several short stories in which, throughout her childhood, he nurtures Asumi's interest in space"?
  • Should Asumi actually be referred to as Kamogawa on second and subsequent references? Using the last name for men (Yaginuma and Fuchūya, for example) and the first name for women (Asumi and Marika, for example) reveals a (probably unconscious and traditional) gender bias. In addition, the men are not consistently referred to in the article by surname on subsequent use; I think these uses should be made consistent. Surnames (on second and subsequent use) are the norm in Wikipedia articles, per WP:SURNAME. Exceptions exist, for names in direct quotations from sources, for example.
  • Subsequent usage of Kou Yaginuma's name does follow the policy you cite. It is somewhat difficult to apply this to fictional characters as, oftentimes, manga and anime stories have characters of the same family, so using only the family name may be confusing. (See List of Twin Spica characters.) WikiProject Anime and manga has been following the principle of writing character names the way they are referred to in reliable sources. It wasn't intended to be separated according to gender. Shū Suzuki, for example, is subsequently written with given name only. Arsonal (talk) 10:40, 6 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "When she decides to apply into the Tokyo Space Academy... ". - Maybe "to apply for admission to" rather than plain "into"?
  • "Shū Suzuki, who is named student representative for the astronaut program, is portrayed with an easygoing personality and possesses a distinctive facial appearance without his eyebrows." - This makes it sound as if he takes his eyebrows off from time to time. Suggestion: "Shū Suzuki, who is named student representative for the astronaut program, has an easygoing personality. Born without eyebrows, he has a distinctive face."
  • "After three years in the astronaut program, Asumi is chosen out of eleven remaining students to take part in Japan's second human spaceflight mission,[25] making her the youngest person to go into space at the age of eighteen." - Modify slightly to "After three years in the astronaut program, Asumi is chosen out of eleven remaining students to take part in Japan's second human spaceflight mission,[25] making her, at the age of eighteen, the youngest person to go into space"?

Writing

  • "estimated at an average of 10 million miles (16 million km)." - I added the metric equivalent, but the basic statistic needs a source. Who says the average is 10 million miles?
  • That sentence and the one after it use the same reference, which I have made more specific. The relevant quotations have also been added. Arsonal (talk) 10:40, 6 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Since Comic Flapper is redlinked in the lead, I don't think I'd redlink it here.

Manga

  • The Manual of Style suggests keeping images within the section they relate to. Image:Comic Flapper September 2009.jpg overlaps two sections. You can probably fix this by moving the image up and shortening the caption, which is a bit too long in any case.
  • The image somewhat links the Manga and Anime sections. The second sentence in the caption is mentioned in the Anime section. I think the current usage fulfills the non-free rationale, but if the second sentence were removed, I'm afraid that people would see it only as a decoration. Arsonal (talk) 10:40, 6 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Images

  • I'm curious about the alternative way of connecting the stars in Virgo. To me, the diagram looks like twins joined at the hip. This makes sense, but I thought that the idea (if I've got it right) could be made explicit in the main text to good effect. It might also be possible to add something to the main text about the importance of the idea of twins or twinning in the series. Does the writer or any of the critics discuss the idea of twins directly?
  • I have not seen any commentary about the significance of this rendition, though it is clearly different from the common way of drawing them. There aren't exactly any ideas about twins (there are none) or twinning, though the concept of using Spica is relevant to the theme of friendship. In a conversation from the first manga volume, Lion-san tells Asumi about Spica being a binary star. He says something along the lines of: "The two stars support each other. It will be a very long before either of them disappears." Asumi responds with the question: "You aren't going to disappear right? We'll be together for a long time right?" (Remember Lion-san is a ghost.) He answers, "Yeah, as long as there are stars in the sky." Lion-san does eventually leave in the penultimate chapter. Arsonal (talk) 10:40, 6 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 00:13, 6 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your help. Your other suggestions have been implemented, as I find them more appropriate. Arsonal (talk) 10:40, 6 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 15:54, 11 January 2010 (UTC)
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