Wikipedia:Peer review/Sept haï-kaïs/archive1

Sept haï-kaïs

A setting of Japanese poetry to modernist French music.

I've just made a translation of this article from the French FA. I don't pretend I have a native-level undertanding of French, nor expertise in classical music terminology, and would appreciate help cleaning things up. I probably won't nominate the article for FA, but still aim to bring it to that level of quality.

I've also corrected a couple of errors in the original, removed some PEACOCKery, and have tried to track down the original Japanese versions of the poems—I haven't had luck with threetwo of them, one of which (purportedly by Matsuo Bashō) has stumped others looking for it as well.

Thanks, Curly Turkey 🍁 ¡gobble! 03:29, 26 May 2016 (UTC)

Hi CT. I wanted to help you find the one of the missing Akiko Yosano poem but unfortunately was unsuccessful. At first I thought this [[1]] was her complete works, and searched it for key words such as 秋 and 月 but unfortunately no poems came up that seemed to match the French. (Now looking at the title more closely, I think it may only be her complete "psalms", not necessarily her complete works, and from skimming the introduction I think it says poems were selected for the book—hence, again, not her complete works I guess.) I'm including the link here in case the poem actually is in there and I just missed it. But my other suggestion is, I see you live in Japan, have you tried your library system there for other of her poetry compilations that you could look for the poem in (i.e., even if not in your local library, maybe you can order some of her books from other libraries). That's what I would try if I were in your shoes. Good luck! Moisejp (talk) 05:10, 6 July 2016 (UTC)

Moisejp: Sorry, somehow I missed your comment until just now. Thanks for looking! I think I'll have to look into inter-library loans (never done one in Japan before). Curly Turkey 🍁 ¡gobble! 23:12, 19 July 2016 (UTC)

• Hi Curly Turkey. Did you end up finding anything through inter-library loans? Just curious if you had any luck. :-) Moisejp (talk) 07:25, 26 December 2016 (UTC)
  • Moisejp: No, actually, I haven't tried. One of these days I suppose I'll get around to it—I'll have to figure it out some day, because there are a pile of other books I'd like to get through inter-library loan. Curly "the jerk" Turkey 🍁 ¡gobble! 08:44, 26 December 2016 (UTC)

Comments from Gerda

Impressive, thank you! Let's look closer. At a glance, it looks like an article about Japanese art, not French music. I suggest to tell people that it is a song cycle, and have no better way than this [ibox, removed, now in the article].

Lead

• I would introduce song cycle also in the lead.
• I would not link to flute, - too broad concept. If a link (but then also clarinet and piano), then perhaps Western concert flute.
• I am surprised how much comparison with other pieced the lead provides, and how little on the music.
• Stravinsky's piece was performed in French, - an English title seems misleading.

I generally like the layout of the TOC, but would prefer "Overview" to "Overview of the work". After reading, I will know if it makes sense to first have critical reception, then analysis. I usually have a text section (subdivided) and a music section (same, including instrumentation), compare FAC Mit Fried und Freud ich fahr dahin, BWV 125.

Structure

• I think I'd prefer the explanation of the dedicatees in prose before the titles, then only their names in the bulleted list.
• How about Background before Structure, including East-West?

To be continued, need sleep ;) --Gerda Arendt (talk) 23:16, 21 February 2017 (UTC)

Instrumentation

• In the table, I would not capitalize nor link any instrument, - readers interested in such a thing will know, and it looks uneven. You may want to add the years of composition to the titles for people like me who jump at reading structured information rather than the prose.

Musical analysis

• If this doesn't grow I would insert the two items to where the music is discussed further up.

Views on the composer and his work

• ... is a clumsy title, but I don't know a better one at present. Some of the content may actually be better in Background, to prepare for what comes. Reception is a commonly used header.

Again: thank you! --Gerda Arendt (talk) 13:06, 22 February 2017 (UTC)

Thanks for the review! I was surprised to find this was still open. Do PRs not get automatically archived?

"I am surprised how much comparison with other pieced the lead provides, and how little on the music.": I didn't write the article—I translated it, and so I followed whatever structure there was in the original. You're right, of course, and I'll see what I can do here.

I've restructured the article quite a bit—what do you think of it now?

I think I've dealt with your other concerns. Anything else? Curly "JFC" Turkey 🍁 ¡gobble! 01:28, 23 February 2017 (UTC)

I like what you did! I guess at this point it's no point to discuss details of phrasing and titles of unwritten articles on pieces. Good luck, looks like an FA-to-be. - I removed the ibox here, to not have it twice in the inclusion count. - Yes, PRs eventually archive, but Der 100. Psalm took a long time. --Gerda Arendt (talk) 10:48, 23 February 2017 (UTC)