Wikipedia:Peer review/Secret Mountain Fort Awesome/archive1

Secret Mountain Fort Awesome

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm curious to see how far this article is away from featured article status. It's passed as a good article nominee recently, and the reviewer noted that some of the sources weren't "great", but that their usage was fine and non-controversial. As far as I known I've employed every reliable source, both in web and in print, which covers the show significantly—which isn't a whole lot. The series sort of came and went, and so critical reception is sparse (a whole three sentences are devoted to this). ₂₃W 03:34, 16 November 2014 (UTC)

Thanks, ₂₃W 03:34, 16 November 2014 (UTC)

Here's some thoughts and suggestions:

• You might linked Uncle Grandpa. I mean, I know it's referring to the short, but there's an article on it now (I now see you mentioned it later. I'd just linked the first instance of it, instead of having it 'hidden' later).
  • Linked. ₂₃W
• "The show received multiple accolades, including two at the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards." Maybe something like, "The show received multiple accolades, with Robert Ryan Cory and Chris Tsirgiotis both winning 'Outstanding Individual in Animation' Emmys at the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards ceremony."
  • Rephrased to: The show received multiple accolades, with Robert Ryan Cory and Chris Tsirgiotis both winning awards for "Outstanding Individual in Animation" at the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards ceremony.. ₂₃W
• "which he felt as a more lighthearted adaption for children." Should this be "which he felt was a more lighthearted adaption for children"? Maybe completely rewrite to be: "which was made to be more light-hearted and aimed at children."
  • Reprhased to "was". ₂₃W
• What is the "outside world"?
  • Rephrased to "society". ₂₃W
• "they unleash their crazy stunts to the public" How about "they unleash their crazy stunts on the public"
  • Done. ₂₃W
• "though his lack of judgment means the more hazardous something is, the more likely he will be to follow it" Awkward. Try something like this: "Slog (Steve Little), a black-furred monster, is likewise blindly loyal, but lacks critical judgement skills." Or something…
  • Tried to combine both; rephrased to: Slog (Steve Little), a black-furred monster, is likewise blindly loyal, but lacks critical judgement skills—the more hazardous something is, the more likely he will be to follow it.. Maybe clunkier, but less vague. ₂₃W 21:33, 6 December 2014 (UTC)
• I know the guy's name is "The Fart", but I don't like the use of "fart" to describe what he does. This is an encyclopedia, so maybe write it in a direct, but less colloquial way. I would use flatulence.
  • Changed to "flatulates". :) ₂₃W
• What is an "upfront"?
  • Linked. ₂₃W
• "Meanwhile, production was done at Cartoon Network Studios." Production for Uncle Grandpa was done at CNS? Or Secret Mountain Fort Awesome? I can't tell. If it's the latter, most this somewhere, if it's the former, I'd cut it out.
  • Rephrased to: Both were produced at Cartoon Network Studios. ₂₃W
• "Browngardt's work on the lattermost series began when its creator C.H. Greenblatt looked through one of his pitch bibles that he left at the studio." The 'he' in this sentence is ambiguous. I assume you Browngardt, but it could also refer to Greenblatt.
  • I don't know how I would recast this one; it doesn't read so ambiguous to me, personally. ₂₃W
• "around the identifying protagonist" I would just say "around the titular protagonist, Uncle Grandpa".
  • Done. ₂₃W
• "He called this an" -> "In an interview with Cartoon Brew, Browngardt called the process of pitching his pilot an "amazing learning experience" because it allowed him to propose an idea to the network "and then seeing how it can manipulate and change while you're working on it".
  • Ditto. ₂₃W
• "as a rough draft" Maybe work in the link temp track?
  • Yup. ₂₃W
• "The network published the remaining eight episodes to iTunes a month later" -> "The network published the remaining eight episodes through iTunes a month later"
  • Got it. ₂₃W
• "Critical reception was positive towards its art style." Clunky. Try, "Many critics were complimentary in regards to the series' art style."
  • Sounds way better; done. ₂₃W
• What is "Lineboil"?
  • His website; rephrased to: "In his website Lineboil".
• "was reminded" -> "noted that the art style of the show was reminiscent of"
  • Eh, that sounds kinda verbose. I changed it to "compared it to", but that might be too vague. ₂₃W
• "called its character designs by Robert Ryan Cory 'impressive' and 'distinctively styled'." -> "called Robert Ryan Cory's character designs 'impressive' and 'distinctively styled'."
  • Done. ₂₃W
• "be able to go sort of a happier place" Is this missing a word? (should it "be able to go to sort of a happier place?) If not, I'd add in [sic].
  • Added in a [sic].
• Many of the publishes in the works cited can be linked, like Annie Awards, Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, etc.
  • I prefer not to link works or publishers in citations; it makes that area a sea of blue. ₂₃W
• None of the sources really jump out to me as bad, though, so that's good!
  • Coolio! ₂₃W

Hopefully, these ideas and suggestions will come in useful. Honestly, I think the best thing you could do is get someone to peer-edit it.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 20:19, 17 November 2014 (UTC)

• @Gen. Quon: Didn't see this in the watchlist. Thanks for your feedback, I'll get to this as soon as I can. ₂₃W 06:44, 19 November 2014 (UTC)
  • @Gen. Quon: Apologies for the long wait: how does it look? ₂₃W 21:33, 6 December 2014 (UTC)

    Sorry for the delay. This article looks good and reads a lot better now (although I'd still suggest you get someone to copy-edit it).--Gen. Quon (Talk) 06:25, 8 December 2014 (UTC)