Wikipedia:Peer review/Monaco: What's Yours Is Mine/archive2

Monaco: What's Yours Is Mine

Previous peer review

I've listed this article for peer review because I plan to try another FAC in the future and I'd like to make sure all the kinks are ironed out beforehand. Any comments will help. Cheers, Anarchyte (work | talk) 11:37, 28 June 2018 (UTC)

Comments by Cognissonance

Infobox / Lead / Gameplay

• In the infobox, the genres are ordered with "Action" first, then "stealth" - in the lead and gameplay sections, it's in reverse. I am nitpicking, but perhaps do this only one way.
• In the platforms parameter, you use "Mac OS X", but in the release only "OS X". For the sake of consistency, I suggest choosing using one in both cases.
• The soundtrack was composed by American composer Austin Wintory Avoid repetition: "The soundtrack was composed by Austin Wintory". The rest aren't afforded the qualifier of nationality. I don't think the composer needs it either.
• heist film Ocean's 11 Is it possible to separate these two links, per WP:SEAOFBLUE, even by simply adding a comma? (The same applies to when it's mentioned in Reception.)

Changed to the heist film from 1960, Ocean's 11. Anarchyte (work | talk) 03:57, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

• The game features both single-player and cooperative modes and allows up to four players to partake in heists and robberies How I would do it: "It features both single-player and cooperative modes, allowing up to four players to partake in heists and robberies".
• including a shotgun and a machine gun The second "a" is unnecessary.
• is limited and is replenished The second "is" unnecessary.
• In cooperative mode, players work together to complete the levels; if one of the players dies, another must revive him or her before finishing the level Without the additional "In cooperative mode", it looks to fit better following the sentence In the cooperative mode, only the player who collects the coins receives more ammunition.

Plot

• It is not necessary, but it's always nice to see the plot section sourced, especially before a Featured Article nomination. Preferably chapter or act-based sources from the video game.

I've sourced the quotes from the game, but sourcing the rest would prove quite difficult, so I think I'll leave it as-is. Anarchyte (work | talk) 03:57, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

• There are a lot of instances of "X says Y", I'll leave it to you to avoid this repetition.

I've tried to limit the amount of "says", but it's hard given the plot revolves around conversation, especially the third paragraph. Anarchyte (work | talk) 03:57, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

• Link Monaco to Monaco.
• Link "booby-trapped" to Booby trap.
• The Gentleman Use a lower-case "t" for consistency.
• After getting help at a hospital If applicable, I think this would improve it: "After receiving medical care at a hospital".
• His recalls that the Hacker Grammar: "He recalls that the Hacker".
• The Gentleman was in legal turmoil for money-related issues, so, after escaping, the thieves retrieve the money Improve: "The Gentleman had experienced legal turmoil in his financial affairs, which caused the thieves to escape from prison and retrieve the money".
• but it was actually used to smuggle weapons Improve: "while in fact it was used to smuggle weapons".
• Though Inspector Voltaire is unaware, the Gentleman is actually Davide and the thieves had adjusted the evidence of Davide's "murder" Improve if applicable: "Unbeknownst to Inspector Voltaire, the Gentleman is actually Davide, whose murder had been faked by the thieves".

Not entirely correct, but I've modified the sentence. Anarchyte (work | talk) 03:57, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

• When discussing is used twice in this paragraph. Vary.
• The Lookout informs Voltaire the Hacker and Voltaire the Redhead read like Voltaire is the Hacker and Redhead. Perhaps add the word "that" to each.
• and they fell in love Improve: "ultimately falling in love".
• The two officers I'm not sure, but I don't think that an Inspector or constable should be described as "officers". I would remove the word entirely.

Development

• solicited paying work Shave off a syllable: "solicited paid work".
• Though I'm not keen on linking Schatz twice, Pocketwatch Games should be linked with its first mention in the section.
• The word "prototype" is used a lot in the first paragraph. I know it can be whittled down.
• offered to out the game Did they offer to "put out" the game? Alternatively, write "publish".
• disappointed him Either "which disappointed him" or "disappointing him".
• were was easy to work with Remove "was".

I don't remember writing these errors... Anarchyte (work | talk) 03:57, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

• Nguyen did not know how to program, but he "he" is unnecessary.
• During its development, Nguyen left his job at Citibank to devote more time to the game and to Pocketwatch Games I think this should flow more with the previous sentence. Like: "eventually became a level designer and producer for Monaco, leaving his job at Citibank to devote more time to Pocketwatch Games". Since Pocketwatch was developing the game, there's no need to mention both.
• Wintory later persuaded Schatz a complete original soundtrack was warranted Didn't flow well when I read it, perhaps simpy add the word "that" after "Schatz".
• When Wintory was excited by the request because it involved using humorous "old-timey piano", saying, "when else am I ever going to be asked to write anything remotely like this?" This sentence contains one fact, that Wintory was excited about the old-timey piano, everything else is needless.

The quote gives context to the "humorous". Anarchyte (work | talk) 03:57, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

• Bandcamp microsite WP:SEAOFBLUE - I suggest: "microsite on Bandcamp".
• and "Fin", the final chapter released to allow the developers to focus on Tooth and Tail Improve: "and "Fin", the final chapter, was released to allow the developers room to focus on Tooth and Tail".

Reception

• Many instances of "X said Y", some of which can simply be removed, others may be rewritten to be more varied.

I'll try. Anarchyte (work | talk) 03:57, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

• stating that the gameplay mechanics made it was one of the most "made it" or "was", choose one.
• A few griefers are a small price to pay, however, for the experience of a well-oiled four-player game of Monaco, and for the assistance this provides toward unlocking the entirety of the second campaign, which, as if channeling The Unusual Suspects, returns you to previous areas, but with an entirely new perspective. Pretty long quote, should be possible to paraphrase.
• David Sanchez (GameZone) called the game "a bold game that gives you a lot of reasons to care about it. As a single-player venture, you can find a whole lot of enjoyment out of just stealthily completing heists. Playing with friends means you can coordinate a good looting job and assign specific tasks to everyone involved. Meanwhile, engaging in co-op with strangers makes for a hectic good time." Firstly, amend the repetition of "game", and paraphrase the quote.
• The third paragraph does seem to repeat the word "level(s)" a lot.

"repetitiveness of the levels". How ironic. Anarchyte (work | talk) 03:57, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

• He said the levels are usually well made but are The second "are" is unnecessary.
• Link "trial-and-error" to Trial and error.
• Reviewers compared Monaco to other games and films; the most common comparison was to the 1960 heist film Ocean's 11. Scott Nichols compared it to Ocean's 11 because "with its ensemble cast, daring break-ins and carefully laid plans, it has all the makings of an interactive heist flick". Anton Bjurvald (Eurogamer Sweden) also compared the game to Ocean's 11. Roger Hargreaves said he felt the game was "Ocean’s Eleven meets Pac-Man and Metal Gear Solid". He compared it to Pac-Man because of the maze-like levels Improve: "Reviewers compared Monaco to other games and films; the most common of which was the 1960 heist film, Ocean's 11, viewed in relation to Monaco by Scott Nichols for its "ensemble cast, daring break-ins and carefully laid plans". Anton Bjurvald (Eurogamer Sweden) also made this connection. Roger Hargreaves agreed, additionally noting its similarity to Metal Gear Solid and linking its maze-like levels to those of Pac-Man".

@Anarchyte: Hopefully there were some good suggestions here (take them or leave them). You could also ask The1337gamer if his magazine archive has anything on Monaco, as print sources are nice as well. (I didn't check the sources, since they have already gone through a GAN.) Good luck! Cognissonance (talk) 00:02, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

@Cognissonance: Thanks for looking over it! I've changed almost everything you suggested. Anarchyte (work | talk) 03:57, 22 July 2018 (UTC)

@Cognissonance: Hi again, what do you think of the flow of the reception section now? Anarchyte (work | talk) 10:26, 23 July 2018 (UTC)

@Anarchyte: I'm impressed, this really is an easy read. Some things popped up at me though:

• Despite the almost universal praise for the cooperative mode The first "the" is unnecessary.
• remarked that while the game and and said that while he preferred repeat "while" pretty close to each other.
• he was seeing could be simplified with "he saw".
• Other than that, it's great! Cognissonance (talk) 10:39, 23 July 2018 (UTC)

Thank you for your comments Cognissonance . I've resolved the new issues. Anarchyte (work | talk) 10:43, 23 July 2018 (UTC)

Comments by JimmyBlackwing

Going through the sources of the article, everything looks pretty reliable. The Escapist source is used properly, as the author is a staff member and not a community contributor. I was on the fence about Softpedia, but it appears that prior consensus has deemed it a situational source. Almost everything is backed up with an archive link, which I love to see. That said, is there a way to use a more shelf-stable link to the 2011 Austin Wintory podcast? It seems the episode's uploads on SoundCloud and Buzzsprout weren't archived in the Wayback Machine, but perhaps archive.is could store the Vimeo upload? I'm not entirely sure how video archiving works, and tend to avoid video sources unless they're absolutely necessary. Beyond that, the sources themselves seem solid. For future reviewers: I didn't do a spot check for close paraphrasing or accurate citation. JimmyBlackwing (talk) 19:12, 26 July 2018 (UTC)

@JimmyBlackwing: Thanks for having a look. Regarding the Vimeo video, I've archived it to my hard drive but because I assume it's copyrighted, I can't upload it anywhere (archive.org etc). Anarchyte (work | talk) 05:15, 27 July 2018 (UTC)

I suppose that will have to do! If only the archive services would figure out a way to preserve this kind of content more effectively. JimmyBlackwing (talk) 06:06, 27 July 2018 (UTC)