Halo: Reach edit
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it needs one for featured topic retention—I'm going to add another one too, but I promise I'll do some reviews to balance it out! :) There's not much content here (the press information flood doesn't come out until video gaming magazines hit the stands in January), but any comments would be appreciated.
Thanks, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs(talk) 20:24, 27 December 2009 (UTC)
Comments
- No dabs or dead external links—good.
- I added alt text for the image; check that it matches reality. :)
- Ref date are ISO style after some edits.
If you want to review a non-Halo game article, there's a sexy witch that needs attention. --an odd name 20:30, 28 December 2009 (UTC)
- add references where there are citation tags...--Diaa abdelmoneim (talk) 15:23, 5 January 2010 (UTC)
- Done. Mikerooney (talk) 17:05, 5 January 2010 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: As you say, there's not much here yet. The article is a kind of breaking news story or prequel to a complete article. It's inherently unstable and can be expected to morph into something more like a full article later in 2009. Meanwhile, I did a bit of minor copyediting, and here are a few suggestions and comments.
Lead
- I'd suggest expanding the lead to include at least a mention of the plot and perhaps a few other details from the text sections. The question I ask myself is "If I deleted the main text sections, would a reader get a fair idea of the content from the lead alone"?
- I changed "Fall" to "fall" because the seasons normally don't start with a capital letter. If you think this makes the sentence ambiguous, you might use "during autumn" or "late in" instead of "during fall".
Plot
- "Halo: Reach is a prequel" - Wikilink prequel?
- "and is identified by the call sign" - Wikilink call sign?
- "The announcement trailer shows the colony world" - Wikilink trailer?
Audio
- "Martin O'Donnell returns to score Reach." - Past tense, "returned" to match the past tense of the next sentence?
- "With the game's music, O'Donnell wrote more "somber, more visceral" music because the plot is character-driven and focuses on a planet that is known to have fallen." - Rather than repeating "music" or using "with" in this way, perhaps re-cast? Suggestion: O'Donnell wrote "somber, more visceral" music because the plot is character-driven and focuses on a fallen planet.
- "The music piece shown in the world premiere of Halo: Reach, titled "Lone Wolf", shown at the 2009 VGA's, is available on Bungie's website." - Move the modifiers next to the things modified? Use VGA instead of VGA's? Suggestion: The music piece, "Lone Wolf", part of the world premiere of Halo: Reach, is available on Bungie's website. The premiere was shown at the 2009 VGA.
- I'd suggest merging the two paragraphs to make one slightly larger paragraph.
Screenshots leak
- "a new rifle, and a new HUD" - Spell out "head-up display (HUD) on first use?
References
- What makes "Bungie Weekly Update" a reliable source per WP:RS?
- What makes the Microsoft Live Blog reliable?
- What makes Koku Gamer reliable?
- What makes Kotaku reliable?
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 18:21, 5 January 2010 (UTC)
- I changed the Bungie ref for a better one. I'll work on your suggestions later today. Mikerooney (talk) 12:59, 6 January 2010 (UTC)