User:Swatjester/cows

This page is meant to be a Wikipedia-oriented version of the "You have two cows" jokes. The jokes can be used to explain bartering (You have two cows and want chickens. Your neighbor has two chickens and wants cows. You trade your cows for his chickens.), or as satire on political systems (Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull) (Fascism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and your cows.) or religion (Nihilism: There is no cow). (Judaism: Why is it all my cow's fault?).

As stated, this is a Wikipedia-oriented version of it, to serve as humor on the eccentricities of Wikimedia projects.

Submitted by Swatjester

We don't have a picture of a deletionist shooting the non-notable cow, so this image, displaying a deletionist boomeranging the non-notable cow, will have to do.

• Deletionist "You have two cows. One is shot for being non-notable".
• Mergist "You have two cows, your neighbor has two cows. Your families marry and now you have four cows".
• Inclusionist "You have two cows."
• anti-BLP "You have two cows that raped another cow when they were 15 and the world needs to know."
• Bureaucrat: "You have 70% cows. Consensus to delete."
• Deletion Review "Cow was eaten out of process. Restoring back to two cows."
• AFD "So who thinks we should eat two cows?"
• Citizendium "You must be an expert in your field to have these two cows.".
• Chinese editors "You have two cows, but you cannot milk them because you are behind a firewall"
• Anonymous editors "COWS R FUCKING GAY I HPOE U DIE FRMO MAD COEW!!@#!111!!!one!elventyone!!%"
• Community ban "You have two cows, but nobody wants them.
• Vandalism "Cows suck."
• Racism "Sheep suck."
• Original Research "You have two cows ^{citation needed}"
• Checkusers "There appear to be a lot of cows, but really they are yours."
• Oversight " ".
• Encyclopedia Dramatica "You have some cowshit".
• POV "Cows are the best and totally awesome, and you should have one."
• Conflicting POV "Cows are not cool. In fact nobody should have one."
• Weasel words "You have some cows."
• Translationist "Moo"
• Transwiki "You have two cows in a sheep field."
• OTRS permissions queue "You can milk my cow".
• OTRS vandalism queue "You can milk my bull".
• OTRS legal queue "I have two cows. Touch them and I'll sue you in a court of law in TRENTON NEW JERSEY!!!!!!!"
• OTRS quality queue "My cow is messed up."
• OTRS courtesy queue "I want two cows. Where can I get one?"
• OTRS queues in general "Increase the size of your penis!"
• #wikipedia-en-admins "You have two cows. The cabal has thirty."
• #wikipedia "You have two kumquats".
• Copyvio "You have two cows you stole from another field".
• Freenode "You have two cows. They are catalysts. Don't tell anybody they are cows without using words first.⇒ SWATJester ^{Denny Crane.} 03:40, 24 June 2007 (UTC)
• #wikipedia (post change)Cows belong in #Wikipedia-cows. English cows belong in #wikipedia-en-cows. Bulls are off topic.

⇒ SWATJester ^{Denny Crane.} 22:26, 14 June 2007 (UTC)

Submitted by others

Please try to keep the entries Wikimedia oriented. Or even just Wiki oriented in general ⇒ SWATJester ^{Denny Crane.}

Wikimedia Commons - You have two cows. They make an excellent addition to the sprawling Category:Porn stars. Ƙɽɨɱρᶓȶ 01:28, 15 June 2007 (UTC)

• Inclusionism - You have two cows. They are welcome here. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Gnomism - You have two cows. Both have immaculately brushed coats. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Fairyism - You have two cows. They are very pretty. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Fanism - You have two cows. You have recorded every detail about them, ever. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• TransWikism - You have two cows, but send one to live in another field. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Splittism - You have two cows, but chop them up to create four cows. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Bannism - You have two cows, but kick them out of your field when they misbehave. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Request for Adminship - You have two cows. You support them, or get shouted at. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Request for Bureaucratship - You have two cows who never achieve anything. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Neutrality - Some critics have suggested you have two cows. J Milburn 22:16, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Community sanction noticeboard - You have two cows. One climbs the Reichstag building dressed as Spiderman and the other proposes banning it on VfB. Picaroon (Talk) 22:33, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Process - You have two cows. One walks over to a patch of grass and the other insists that it come back and do the walk the correct way. Picaroon (Talk) 22:33, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Guidelines - You have two cows. However, this is not set in stone and should be treated with common sense and the occasional exception. J Milburn 22:45, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Policy - You have two cows. They have wide acceptance among people and are considered a standard that all people should follow. J Milburn 22:45, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Essay - You have two cows, but only you (and maybe a few other people) believe in them. CarrotMan 11:34, 26 July 2007 (UTC)
• OTRS - You have two cows, but due to emails, you will have one or three. User:Zscout370 ^{(Return Fire)} 23:14, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Jimbo Wales - You have two cows because of his Godking powers. User:Zscout370 ^{(Return Fire)} 23:20, 14 June 2007 (UTC)
• Arbitration Committee - You have two cows. The amount of times you're allowed to milk them per month is restricted due to an ArbCom restriction resulting from a fistfight you had with another farmer. (messedrocker • talk) 01:20, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Requests for arbitration - You have two cows.—Ryūlóng (竜龍) 01:23, 15 June 2007 (UTC)

  Support:

  Oppose:

  Abstain:

• Memist "All your cow are belong to us!" --Tony Sidaway 01:37, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Meta - You have two cows (en) • Vous avez deux vaches (fr) • יש לך שתי פרות (he) • 君は牛を二頭持っている (ja) • Você tem duas vacas (pt) • Du har två kor (sv) • 你有兩頭母牛 (zh)... (messedrocker • talk) 01:39, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Stephen Colbert If a cow had a penis, it would be as long and versatile as its trunk. If it had a trunk. Is this thing on? Testing. One, Two!" --Tony Sidaway 01:44, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Vandalism (alternative) - You have two cows. One cow's friend is gay, the other cow has an unusually large penis. --ragesoss 01:50, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Criteria for speedy deletion, G1 - You have 2 agaoeghwaeofeowfjeawfoawoefwoefwijweoa.—Ryūlóng (竜龍) 01:52, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Monty Python: You have two cows, two cows and bacon, two cows with bacon and eggs, two cows bacon sausage and eggs, two cows bacon sausage cows eggs and cows, cows cows cows egg and cows, cows cows cows ham cows cows, cows cows cows cows cows cows baked beans cows cows cows, Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle paté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and two cows, and cows sausage cows cows bacon cows cows tomato. Your customer hates cows. (messedrocker • talk) 01:59, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Monty Python (alternative): You have two... NO ONE EXPECTS THE USERBOX INQUISITION!! (messedrocker • talk) 02:01, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Conservapedia: You may have two cows if you are an American and also Christian. Otherwise, go away. DS 03:06, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• CSD A7 You have two cows, they're really cool and have black and white markings! Cows Rock! Hangon: What do you mean, nn? They're really cool, it says so right in the article! (KillerChihuahua^?!? 02:59, 15 June 2007 (UTC))
• Cabalist We had nothing to do with the disappearance of your third cow. --Tony Sidaway 03:02, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• 1984 How many cows do you see? --Tony Sidaway 03:02, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Existentialist You have two cows. They don't matter. KillerChihuahua^?!? 03:05, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• tucows That's it, we're suing! --Tony Sidaway 03:05, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• CSD G11 Cows R Us has the best cows anywhere! Follow the link to our website to get your own pair of cows! As seen on TV! KillerChihuahua^?!? 03:07, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• DRV - You have two cows. One was killed by a wizard. You try to bring it back to life. Sean William @ 03:09, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Richard M. Stallman' Strictly speaking, they're GNUS. --Tony Sidaway 03:10, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• A train in Scotland:
  • Engineer: Oh look, a black cow in that field yonder! All cows in Scotland are black.
  • Physicist: Some cows in Scotland are black.
  • Mathematician: In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one cow, at least one side of which is black.
  • Wikipedian: {{fact}}. --Tony Sidaway 03:25, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Eventualist Cow. KillerChihuahua^?!? 03:42, 15 June 2007 (UTC)

Userboxes

Two CowsThis user supports having two cows.—Ryūlóng (竜龍) 02:52, 15 June 2007 (UTC)

• Trivia: On episode 4ACX08 of Family Guy, Peter Griffin noticed your two cows in his living room and shouted "Freakin' sweet!" Ƙɽɨɱρᶓȶ 03:26, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:CSD#A1 You Riana ⁂ 03:51, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Process is important Those cows are out of process. It is imperative that we discuss them for the next ten days. --Tony Sidaway 20:12, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• Snowball clause There is obviously going to be a whole herd of them sooner or later, so close as keep. --Tony Sidaway 20:12, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• #wikipedia 13:37 ChanServ: You now have two @cows. User:Zscout370 ^{(Return Fire)} 21:56, 15 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:CSD#A7 my two cows is a cow-themed band which performs at parties and barmitzvahs. they have three members, patrick 'cowpat' jones, robert 'the rumen' and henry heifer. their sound is considered 'provocative, rich and heady, like the scent of a barnyard after rainfall' (from their high school magazine review). they currently perform for friends and have released their first cd entitled 'longhorn lullabies, bovine ballads'. Italic textthey have sold more than 50 copies of this cd and it is said that they will achieve a major record deal soon. plz watch this page for further updates Riana ⁂ 12:19, 17 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:CSD#G10 Cows are stupid and have no friends! Majorly (talk) 08:52, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• Arbitration workshop Never mind those cows, take a look at my hobby horse! --Tony Sidaway 09:01, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• Ignore all rules You had two cows. I took them to improve Wikipedia. --Tony Sidaway 09:09, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:BJAODN What did one cow say to the other cow? Majorly (talk) 09:11, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• Biographies of living cows We had to delete your cows but we are not at liberty to discuss why. --Tony Sidaway 09:13, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• OTRS In response to ticket 234535632 I've decided to change your cows into sheep. --Tony Sidaway 09:16, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• Wikipedia:Office There are no cows here. Move along please. Have a nice day. --Tony Sidaway 09:24, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:CSD#G9 You have two cows. The Foundation decides to use them for lunch at a Board meeting. Daniel 09:28, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:ANI An abusive rogue administrator unilaterally blocked my cows out of process and I assert my right to rant about it and demand that he be bullwhipped! --Tony Sidaway 09:29, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:CSD#G4 You have two cows. One look too similar to a previous cow you owned, so you sold it. Daniel 09:30, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:CSD#G8 You have no cows, and one bull. You sell the bull because your cows were taken off you. Daniel 09:31, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:CSD#G10 You have two cows. One grabs a can of spraypaint, and writes insulting things about the cows in the other paddock, across the road and down the street, on the other cow. You sell the spray-painted cow. Daniel 09:33, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:CSD#G5 You have two cows. You find out that one of them was created by an infamous genetic scientist, and sell it. Daniel 09:34, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• User talk:Jimbo Wales fanmail: Jimbo, you don't know me but I'd like to know whether you eat at MacDonalds or Burger King. --Tony Sidaway 09:40, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• User talk:Jimbo Wales concern: Jimbo, I'd like to know if you agree with me that Wikipedia's coverage of animal welfare is lamentable. And if so, what do you propose to do about it? I tried adding animal welfare links to 1,000 articles but a fascist admin unilaterally blocked me for spamming! --Tony Sidaway 09:40, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• Wikipedia:Spoiler (Daniel 09:47, 18 June 2007 (UTC))
• Wikipedia:Requests for comment You have two cows. You solicit input on whether you should purchase a third. Daniel 09:47, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• Wikipedia:Barnstar

		Cowbarnstar
		Does a cowbarnstar equal two cows? It better.MONGO 09:47, 18 June 2007 (UTC)

• Exploding whale You have two cows. Neither of them explode from a build-up of gas inside them. Daniel 09:50, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• WP:OTHERCRAPEXISTS You have two cows. You feel you deserve to have five cows. Why? Because the farmer across the road has five. Daniel 09:52, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• Encyclopædia Britannica Our cœws hæve mœre ligætures thæn yœur cœws. --Tony Sidaway 09:54, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• Meatball:GoodBye One of your cows just stormed out noisily. The other cow just smiles mysteriously and says "she'll be back." --Tony Sidaway 09:59, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
• Wheel war Some people from the department of agriculture show up and hold a drunken cowtipping fight with your cows. --Tony Sidaway 10:17, 21 June 2007 (UTC)
• Criteria for speedy deletion, G11 The mission of the two cows company is to spam wikipedia and hopefully get your money from it. Jaranda ^{wat's sup} 06:44, 22 July 2007 (UTC)
• Metapedianism You have two cows. You ignore them, and go and decorate your barn, farmhouse and outhouse, and rebuild the fences. J Milburn 10:15, 23 July 2007 (UTC)
• m:Right to vanish You have two cows. They live in two exquisitely decorated stalls they spent a lot of time decorating. One day you come into the barn and they aren't there, and their stalls have been cleaned out. Two months later, two cows inexpertly disguised suddenly appear in the stalls next to where the old cows lived. None of the farmhands will talk about it. RyanGerbil10(C-Town) 23:50, 19 September 2007 (UTC)
• WP:CSD#G2: twocowslol Bold text

Good IP editors We don't want to create an account, but you have 2 cows.99.230.152.143 (talk) 23:37, 17 November 2007 (UTC)

Bucky Katt-ism These cows aren't monkeys but if it annoys Rob Wilco and makes Satchel upset I hurt them with my spork and eat them,but they'll break my spork. I'll smack the underside any way.99.230.152.143 (talk) 23:37, 17 November 2007 (UTC)

Wikibreakism We are too busy with our wikibreak to tell you how many cows you have. 99.230.152.143 (talk) 23:41, 17 November 2007 (UTC)

Requested

• WMF Fundraising
• Various new RFA proposals
• OTRS
• Arbcom