Talk:White Christmas (Black Mirror)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 07:27, 7 January 2021 (UTC)

Comments

• "It was ... It first..." repetitive.
• "Episode 7" - I think this could use a footnote as both the prior and next "episode" are part of a series, whereas this is "episode 7 (overall, not part of a series)", if you catch my drift?
• I've heard this referred to as a "triptych" of stories, any thoughts?
  • Bit too embellished prose for Wikipedia unless it comes up as a quote IMO—it's a nice description but the key information (three stories with a framing device) is, I think, mentioned enough already. — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• "he has crashed" but that misses the main point i.e. "while being remotely directed" or similar.
  • "while receiving remote guidance" — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• "a limited budget and timescale" I think I know what you're getting at but it's unlikely that either of these would be unlimited.
  • "restrictive budget and timescale" any better, the adjective describing the effects rather than the budget/timescale? — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• "with Rafe Spall as " first name repeat not needed.
• "why he ended up in the cabin" now I only just re-watched it (I think for the fourth time now) and I can't remember how either story ends up remotely explaining how he ended up in the cabin with Joe...
  • He says at the end of the first story: "Anyway, [my wife] left me, took custody of Mel—that's our daughter. Hence, stranding me in this lovely place." The story skims over this (concretely, how was he sent to the cabin?) because it's all a facade and Joe wouldn't really know why he's there if he thought about it (at the end Joe asks "What is this place? What job do we do here?"). I think it's fine to leave as is but let me know if you think it should be removed or expanded on (without "spoiling the ending" at this point in the plot). — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• "Matt fast-forwards time inside the cookie's world for six months," I don't think this captures it well enough. But I can't explain it succinctly. He makes her time pass at much slower rate than the real world....
  • "Matt makes six months pass inside the cookie's world in a matter of seconds ..."? — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• "Joe talks." probably the shortest sentence I've ever seen in all my 16.5 years on Wikipedia! Perhaps we can rejig to avoid such a micro-sentence.
  • See below. — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• Is there a tense issue going on here? You have "He was "blocked"..." but shouldn't that be "He is blocked..."?
  • I had a lot of internal conflict over how to write this and Hated in the Nation and after reading MOS:PLOT and MOS:INUNIVERSE (and possibly another that I'm forgetting) I decided that these extended flashbacks should be explained in present tense because they happen on-screen and take up some/most of the episode. But idea was that if you say "he is blocked" straight away, it's jarring and unclear because it's not yet established as a flashback (that single sentence is from present Joe's perspective). So I've combined this with the above point and gone: "Joe opens up: in a flashback, ..." and then we can use present tense immediately. — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• " tries to confront " I think he does confront her.
• "agreed on a third series of four episodes on the" perhaps "agreed to" in order to avoid the "on.. on"
• "It aired on ..." last "it" was the next season on Netflix, perhaps ""White Christmas" aired on..."?
• "It was directed" similar, especially start of new section.
• "he had enjoyed the show " suddenly gone USEng, do we really mean "series"?
  • Yeah, I've used "programme". — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• " he was in the U.K." Hamm or Hader?
  • Well both I think but Hamm is the intended subject. — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• "Brooker: by chance, the agent had just signed Brooker and he was able to meet with Brooker" Brooker-tastic.
  • "Brooker: by chance, the agent had just signed him and they met up along with Jones" — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• "when Chaplin was " she, or reword sentence to avoid repeat of Chaplin.
• No need to link London.
• "in four corners of London " a bit colloquial.
  • "disparate areas of London" — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• "later series." -> "later Black Mirror series."
• "Eyes.[12][8][13]" preferable to see those in numerical order.
• " Handlen viewed each" He viewed.
• Joe's "moroseness" "tired slightly" over - strange double quote, would it not work as "Joe's "moroseness ... tired slightly" over ?
  • No, because the quotes are in the wrong order ("tired slightly of his character's moroseness"), so I've reworded: "However, Monahan 'tired slightly' of Joe's 'moroseness'". — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)
• Accolades table needs row and col scopes per MOS:DTT.
• Ref col should be unsortable.
• Ref 9 has a spaced hyphen, should be en-dash.
• Ref 4 - "The" New York Times (c.f. The Guardian)
• Wizzard is mentioned in the infobox but nowhere else.

That's all I have. Thanks for allowing me to review the article, and enjoying what's in my top five episodes once more. Hope some of the comments are helpful. Cheers. The Rambling Man (Stay alert! Control the virus! Save lives!!!!) 22:05, 8 January 2021 (UTC)

Absolutely, comments are helpful and it's a great episode. — Bilorv (talk) 19:27, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

Delighted with this. Sorry that I missed you'd made the updates a couple of days ago, I appear to have a lot on my wiki-plate! I'm promoting, and looking forward to the next one. Cheers. The Rambling Man (Stay alert! Control the virus! Save lives!!!!) 08:10, 11 January 2021 (UTC)