Talk:Doreen Valiente/GA1
Latest comment: 8 years ago by Sainsf in topic GA Review
GA Review
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Reviewer: Sainsf (talk · contribs) 06:01, 28 April 2016 (UTC)
Hi! Will post my comments over the next few days. Sainsf <^>Feel at home 06:01, 28 April 2016 (UTC)
- Many thanks, Sainsf! Midnightblueowl (talk) 10:33, 28 April 2016 (UTC)
Fairly well-written and comprehensive. My comments:
- Lead
(4 January 1922 – 1 September 1999) I think unspaced endash is used in such cases.
- Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:17, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
Subsequently becoming the High Priestess of Gardner's Bricket Wood coven when?
- The sources that I looked at do not provide a specific date, but reveal that it was fairly soon after her initiation; whether that means 1953, 1954, or even 1955 isn't clear though. I've changed "subsequently" to "soon" in the article lede. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:17, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
although later broke from this group I think there should be "she" before "later".
- Done. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:17, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
I think we should add a few words on how she passed away.
- Added. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:17, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
- magical partner The meaning may not been clear at once, though I can't suggest any alternative at the moment.
- Hmm, you raise a good point. I might just remove "magical partner" at this juncture and replace it with "friend"; do you think that that works? Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:17, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
-
- The meaning is slightly different, but Belham-Payne was both her friend and magical partner. Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:44, 3 May 2016 (UTC)
- Early life 1922–52
Colliers Wood is linked twice
- Sorted. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:57, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
although Doreen was never baptised "although" should be replaced by "however", I think.
- Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:57, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
left at the age of 15 Better say she left "it", it may suddenly appear she left home.
- Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:57, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
message decryption May be good to have a link here.
- I've linked it to cryptography. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:57, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
known only as "Zerki" "only"? It may strike as odd unless we know the reason of its use.
- I've removed "known only as". Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:57, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
she selected "Ameth" as her magical name What exactly is a "magical name"?
- I've added a link to Craft name. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:05, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
Link esoteric.
- Done! Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:57, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
- Gerald Gardner and the Bricket Wood Coven 1952–57
in 1952 Valiente wrote a letter to Williamson "Valiente wrote a letter to Williamson in 1952" would look better.
- Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:53, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
Middle Ages may be linked
- Done. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:53, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
Gardner invited Doreen again You refer to her as Valiente elsewhere.
- Good point; changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:53, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
of which they would not have approved Just to ensure it does not look like OR, can we say "... of which, she feared, they..." ?- Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:53, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
Isle of Man is a duplink
- Removed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:53, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
- Robert Cochrane and Where Witchcraft Lives 1957–69
while she also have a speech Error?
- Changed to "gave a speech". Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:39, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
Who is Doyle White?- He is already mentioned and his position described at the end of the "Gerald Gardner and the Bricket Wood Coven: 1952–57" section. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:43, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
L'Estrange Ewen is a redlink, can you give an idea of who the person was?
- He was a historian of witchcraft, I shall make that clear in the prose. 21:39, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
it was never published Maybe add "however"? Any idea why it was not published?
- I've added the "however" and added a brief explanation of why it wasn't published. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:39, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
suicide at Midsummer 1966 I think it should be "on" not "at".
- Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:39, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
Duplinks: Midsummer, Sussex, Margaret Murray
- Removed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:43, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
- The Pagan Front, National Front, and further publications 1970–84
Wiccan high priestess Sally Griffyn Should it be "High Priestess" as earlier?
- Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:39, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
Valiente biographer Perhaps "Valiente's" would sound more proper.
- Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:39, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
- Autobiography and final years 1985–1999
Duplinks: Pagan Federation, Alex Sanders, Ronald Hutton
- Sorted. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:14, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
It would be published by Hale Anything more on Hale? Where is it based? May be relevant here.
- Hale is already discussed in the section on "The Pagan Front, National Front, and further publications: 1970–84" so I'm not sure that it is necessary to go into further depth here. However I'm happy to discuss this in greater depth if you like. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:18, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
grief stricken Hyphen?- Added. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:14, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
the historian Ronald Hutton You have been referring to him as Hutton after you introduced him.- Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:14, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
- Personality and personal life
Do we need to link football?
- I've changed the link to association football. I think that this may be necessary given that in the United States and other parts of the world, "football" is a term used for different sports. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:33, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
This section hardly discusses her personal life, which is described in her biography above. This can simply be named as "Personality"
- Done. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:33, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
- Reception and legacy
You can say CPS instead of Centre for Pagan Studies.
- Good point; done. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:33, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
@Midnightblueowl: That should be it. These addressed, I would be happy to promote this article. Cheers! Sainsf (talk · contribs) 06:11, 1 May 2016 (UTC)