Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Journey (2012 video game)/archive1
Latest comment: 11 years ago by PresN in topic Resolved comments from Hellknowz
Resolved comments from Hellknowz
edit- Lead
- If it's indie, shouldn't you link to indie game? Does it get called that by RS despite Sony as publisher?
- "are not shown each others' names" - less passive voice "cannot see"; also "each other's", it's a singular pronoun and you've used "one another's" later on
- Gameplay decription in lead is a bit confusing (I read it before Gameplay, and I haven't played it)
- The game has additionally won several "game of the year" awards, as well as several other awards and award nominations -- "award nominations" cannot really be "won", you can be nominated for an award
- Gameplay:
- It's probably the nature of the game, but I found it somewhat confusing as to what exactly is going on after first read, and I'm into games, so a general reader may have similar "feelings".
- "The player can walk the figure throughout the levels" and remaining text -- would it not be simpler to use the implied variant "the player can walk throughout the levels", "The player can jump", etc. with less redundancy and less passive voice
- Done, I didn't see any other examples of the player making the figure do x. --PresN 21:49, 27 December 2012 (UTC)
- "The robed figure wears a trailing scarf.", but that is probably fine as it is, to emphasize it's the figure wearing it. Other example: "allows the figure to float and fly horizontally briefly when jumping", "allowing the figure to remain airborne longer", "or levitating the robed figure". — HELLKNOWZ ▎TALK 07:33, 29 December 2012 (UTC)
- "to complete a full playthrough" - as opposed to what kind of playthrough? Are there non-full playthroughs?
- "after the release of Flower, the company's previous title. -> "after the release of the company's previous title Flower." simpler
- "Kellee Santiago, Thatgamecompany's previous game producer did not" -> "Kellee Santiago, Thatgamecompany's previous game producer, did not" comma on other side of whats-it-called clause
- Thatgamecompany's previous game producer did not reprise that position, concentrating instead on her role as the company's president, and was replaced as producer by Robin Hunicke
- "as well as with maintaining efficient communication" - "as well as maintaining efficient communication" not sure why "with" is needed
- Last three sentences of first Development paragraph are very personal. We don't usually get a lot of this stuff in the articles. Not sure if good or bad, but unexpected.
- "Due to this minimalism, the game is intended to feel" the game's intent was to feel.. by using minimalism; intent cannot be caused, because it came first
- "wonder without explicit instructions. The story arc of the game is designed to explicitly follow" explicit twice
- "The story arc of the game is designed to explicitly follow Joseph Campbell's monomyth," -- woulf this deserve more explanation/mention, if the game is designed to follow this closely (I assume from wording)?
- "be diluted by too many game elements" - by having game elements or implementing or using, but it needs a verb
- "such as quests or tasks" - quests is a subset of tasks, so it's redundant; may be a different example?
- "In addition to Journey, the disc-based title includes Flow and Flower; creator commentaries, art, galleries, and soundtracks for all three games; minigames created by Thatgamecompany; and additional content for the PlayStation 3." i get the use of semicolons to separate different things, but that's gramatically incorrect as those are independent clauses and no latter ones no longer connect to "includes"
- "tie in to the actions and sound effects of the player" - tie in with sound effects?
- "discarding a "huge pile" of ideas." - may be just convert quote to a simpler "many ideas" or something.
- "iTunes" link
- There are a lot of quotes altogether (esp. middle paragraph of Music), I would say a bit too many. Some of them can be easily paraphrased.
- "The game at release" - "on release"?
- "the game was heavily honored" - I'm not sure adverbs can be used like that with "honored". Did the game receive many honors/awards?
- First paragraph of reception list a bunch of award titles, but some are capitalized and some are not (like last sentence).
- "The music as well was praised" - "as well" is used at the end of clauses; may be it's still gram. correct, but it reads weird
- "becomes to the player a "pilgrimage"" -> "becomes a "pilgrimage" to the player" simpler
- As usual, a lot of quotes. The reviewers are trying hard to make up elegant ways of saying simple things, so I imagine it's a pain to paraphrase. Still, I would suggest cutting down on quotes. — HELLKNOWZ ▎TALK 09:58, 15 January 2013 (UTC)
- [1] says June 17, 2010, article 2010-06-18
- Ref 12 and 13 have their links mixed up.
- [2] and [3] and [4] is also PlayStation Blog before Sony
- Are you sure you need [[Edge (magazine){{!}}Edge]] instead of just [[Edge (magazine)|Edge]]? I'm pretty sure MediaWiki handles pipes inside inner elements fine.
- "of the emotional experience of playing the game" - of twice