Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Elias Abraham Rosenberg/archive1

Resolved comments from Crisco 1492

• Any images of the man, even fair use?
  • Sadly, I have not been able to find any. I really wish we had one.
• Repetition: "... became a trusted adviser of King Kalākaua of Hawaii by claiming to be a soothsayer...", repeated in essence in the following two sentences.
  • I thought about this a bit, and I'm not sure there's too much I can do here, any suggestions? Mark Arsten (talk) 19:18, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
    • How's this? Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:59, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
• "A Torah scroll and yad presented to the King by Rosenberg remained in the royal collection after Rosenberg's departure from Hawaii, and were later exhibited with other royal treasures and eventually donated to Temple Emanu-El in Honolulu." Perhaps "A Torah scroll and yad presented to the King by Rosenberg remained in the royal collection after Rosenberg's departure from Hawaii. These artifacts were later exhibited with other royal treasures and eventually donated to Temple Emanu-El in Honolulu." (i.e. split the very long sentence)
  • Done.
• "By the early 1880s, Rosenberg lived in San Francisco, California, where he was a well-known figure, regarded as an eccentric, an "adventurer", and a "curio"." -- Is that comma necessary?
  • I'm unsure
    • Which comma? :) Seriously, some of them are borderline. The first two are required. The one between "California" and "where", and the next one are both somewhat optional, but I like them both. Between "eccentric" and "an" is required. The last one is optional, but I always use the Oxford comma, so if you get rid of that one, you'll have to get rid of all the serial commas in the article. I agree it's comma heavy, but I think it reads better with them than without. If it's really bothering you I can recast it into two sentences.
      • After figure?
• "Chebra Beth Abraham benevolent society" -- Shouldn't this be "Chebra Beth Abraham Benevolent Society", or was their title only "Chebra Beth Abraham"
  • The source says "The Chebra Beth Abraham has filed articles of incorporation as a religious and benevolent society", so I think we'll go with the latter.
• "He is the first Jew known to have visited Hawaii." -- Would "He was the first known Jew to have visited Hawaii." be more technically correct?
  • Done.
• "Rosey" -- Any origin story? Red cheeks?
  • Explained in text, I guess it was because he smiled a lot.
• "... it was believed by many that his first name was "Israel"." -- Why?
  • Changed the sentence up a bit.
• "Hawaii Opera house" -- "Hawaii Opera House" (proper name) or "Hawaii opera house" (generic)
  • • Proper name. Fixed.
• Are you sure on the capitalization of "king" (generic)?
  • I think the capitalization of King we're using lines up with WP:JOBTITLES, do you agree?
    • This. All uses of "the King" in this article are substitutions for his full title and name, which means that "king" should be capitalized.
      • Right right, good.
• Same for "Head of Customs" (generic)
  • Yeah, downcased that one.
    • I think all of the usages before the last one could also stand to be capitalized, as they are referring to the individual holding that position, however the last one should not be. But... that makes it look stupid, so I'm willing to leave them all lowercased.
• "roughly the size of a $5 gold coin" -- Which is?
  • WP:SYNTH if the source doesn't specify? I dunno, Mark has access to the sources, I'm just the copyeditor. :)
    • No, the source doesn't give a measurement, but our article on the coin does, do you think I should put it in?
      • Template:NoCoins applies only to images, but I think the same logic would apply. Perhaps as a footnote you could have the coin's size.
• "The reverse side of the medal featured a profile of the King; a gold crown on the rim attached to a blue ribbon" -- Missing a word here
  • • Fixed
• Now you have "prime minister of Hawaii" without capitals.
  • Capped for now, will check on capitals again later.
    • Should be capitalized... the correct formal name of an office treated as a proper noun
• "Kalākaua's efforts to revive traditional Hawaiian religious beliefs may have helped convince powerful non-Native Hawaiians that action should be taken against the King, leading to the June 1887 Constitution, which stripped him of much of his power and significantly weakened the Hawaiian monarchy." -- Unclear. Suggest replacing the final "him" with "the king" (or King)
  • Rephrased a bit.
• "... Hawaiian and San Francisco-based newspapers." -- Should be consistent. Why not ".. Hawaii- and San Francisco-based newspapers."
  • Done
• "The yad was donated to Temple Emanu-El in 1959, and formally dedicated the next year." -- The yad was dedicated? The temple? Perhaps "bequeathed" to avoid misinterpretation.
  • Tried to clarify a bit.
• "... the temple later installed a plaque describing Rosenberg and a glass display case housing the Torah and yad." -- Near each other, far away?
  • It doesn't exactly explain in the source (IIRC) but it's quite clear in the picture, so I think that's uncontroversial enough.
• Less stellar reading than your past endeavors, but quite interesting. Crisco 1492 (talk) 06:58, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
  • Did a few easy ones to start, hope you don't mind the Done notes inside the comments. Mark Arsten (talk) 17:55, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
    • My responses are further indented above... Livit⇑^Eh?/_What? 18:16, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
  • Ok, we've replied to each comment at least once. Mark Arsten (talk) 19:18, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
    • Alright, leaning support now. Just like some feedback on the lede and coin. Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:59, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
      • Ok, I'm fine with your change to the lead, as long as no one else objects. I added a bit about the size of the coin in a note. Mark Arsten (talk) 23:24, 3 April 2012 (UTC)
      • I more or less kept the lead the way you had it, I brought it back to two paragraphs based on the length guideline. Mark Arsten (talk) 00:51, 4 April 2012 (UTC)