Wikipedia:WikiProject Video games/Peer review/Kirby's Dream Land

Kirby's Dream Land

Working on making it a GA. I did enough cleanup to make it A and nominated it for GCOTW (and succeeded). Besides adding some more sources, getting a source for the Kirby Super Star screenshot of its remake, and expanding on the presentation section, anything need to be done? - A Link to the Past (talk) 16:21, 12 March 2007 (UTC)

This article needs some copy editing:

• Look out for filler phrases: "As the first in the series, Kirby's Dream Land set forth many of the trademark elements featured in later Kirby games, such as the title character's main set of moves." is too long for the content of the sentence.

• Done.

• Redundancy: "The only way for Kirby to regain them is to touch certain food items that will refill them." (regain them, refill them)

• Done.

• Keep verb forms consistent in a list: "Kirby has four basic abilities in this title - walking, jumping, flight, and inhaling." Should be flying to match the other three.

• Done.

• Incorrect pronouns: "At any time when Kirby has inhaled air, he can exhale by either landing on the ground or releasing it yourself." He can exhale by releasing it yourself?

• Done.

• Double possession: "Inhaling objects, enemies, and food is the trademark ability of Kirby's."

• Done.

• Avoid the second person: "The enemy you will encounter most often is Waddle Dee, the staple enemy of the series."

• Done.

• Game guide material: "To inhale anything, the player must hold down the B button." With rare exceptions, never refer to specific buttons. This info is not useful to the general reader.

• I settled for B button because I couldn't think of a better way to describe the button.

Pagrashtak 23:01, 12 March 2007 (UTC)

Presentation and development looks like they could be combined into one section. Get those claims in "Presentation" cited or removed. No need to have two one-sentence headers (you could compress the reception section into one section without subheaders). Also, was this game re-released as a million-seller? (Based on seeing the million-seller medal on my SML2 box) Hbdragon88 04:36, 17 March 2007 (UTC)

The content of presentation isn't all about development, though. Also, yes, it is a PC title (in fact, a PC boxart used to be in the infobox). - A Link to the Past (talk) 04:49, 17 March 2007 (UTC)

I think it is relevent enough for development; discussing about the art style and music to me sounds like development work. Cool, PC title. That should be mentioned for comprehensiveness. Hbdragon88 04:54, 17 March 2007 (UTC)

Added PC details, including adding a note that it sold 1 million copies in NA (because to be a Game Boy PC, it needs to sell that many). I'll source that tomorrow. - A Link to the Past (talk) 05:10, 17 March 2007 (UTC)

Try moving "reception" into the lead to help establish the article's importance more concretely. (Note that "presentation" flows more easily into "remakes" than "reception".) You could also try merging "remakes" and "sequels" if the sections don't feel long enough. —davidh.oz.au 11:08, 19 March 2007 (UTC)

---

Here are some more areas for improvement: (ALttP note - not necessarily done by the Peer Reviewer's standard, but in my opinion, accomplished)

• "It is the first video game in the Kirby series and therefore the debut of the Kirby character." -- This does not follow. Mario Bros. is the first video game in the Mario series, but it not the debut of Mario.
  • Done. Although I'd like to note that Mario Bros. really is not the debut video game in the Mario series.
• "Kirby can walk, swim, or fly through five areas", then later, "Kirby has four basic abilities in this title: walking, jumping, flying, and inhaling." Somewhat contradictory, but definitely confusing.
  • Done. Also, I added some content about swimming and flying and changed the earlier statement, can you review that?
• "The character of Kirby was not always planned to star in this game." -- This gives the impression that the game was originally planned for, say, Mario or Sonic. I think what you really mean is that Kirby's current appearance was not the original intention.
  • Done. On the note of development, I changed it around after noticing that Kirby was declared pink before he was declared Kirby. Can you review that?
• "When Kirby's Dream Land was first released in Japan, it featured Kirby in pinkscale." -- I don't believe pinkscale is a word. This is confusing anyways, since the Game Boy Color cannot display pink.
  • Fixed that. How's the wording?
• I would suggest merging presentation into gameplay. There's not much there right now, and half of it ("The visuals are presented in two dimensions using pixelated sprites and environments. They are in black and white, similar to all other Game Boy video games.") applies to every Game Boy game and doesn't add much.
  • I don't know how to do that quite yet. It'll take some work to make it feel right at home.

Pagrashtak 04:08, 5 April 2007 (UTC)