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Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Assessment/Vannevar Bush

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The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

Promoted EyeSerenetalk 09:29, 19 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Vannevar Bush edit

Nominator(s): Hawkeye7 (talk)


Vannevar Bush was an engineer was an American engineer, inventor and science administrator known for his work on analog computers, as the founder of Raytheon, and for the memex, an adjustable microfilm viewer analogous to the structure of the World Wide Web. What brings him here is his role as an initiator and administrator of the Manhattan Project Hawkeye7 (talk) 11:38, 12 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Quick comments
  • "pressed for the creation of the Legislation to create" - repetitive, and why the caps?
  • "Bush stuck to his guns" is a bit cliched
  • Don't use contractions
  • Publisher for FN82?
  • Not sure this is a reliable source.

Nikkimaria (talk) 14:28, 12 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review! Hawkeye7 (talk) 22:05, 12 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Support Comments: Sorry, I've only taken a quick look at this. I will try to come back a bit later and read through it more thoroughly. It's quite comprehensive, so may take me a while the get through. I made a couple of minor tweaks and have the following points at this stage:
    • the last part of the fourth paragraph of the Early life and work section might need a citation as it appears to be unreferenced: "Bush found backing from Laurence K. Marshall and Richard S. Aldrich to create the Spencer Thermostat Company, which hired Bush as a consultant. The new company soon had revenues in excess of a million dollars."
    • this might need a citation: "Bush remained a member of NACA through 1948".
    • Also, would it work as: "Bush remained a member of NACA until 1948"?
    • I'm not sure if this is a US English thing or not, but should "antiaircraft guns" be "anti-aircraft guns"?
      • I think that the hyphen is British and that the Americans use one word. Hawkeye7 (talk) 04:01, 1 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • is there something missing here: "He toured the Western Front in October 1944, and spoke to ordnance but no senior commander..."? (specifically "spoke to ordnance"... ordnance what?);
      • Added missing word.
    • (nitpick) in the References this is inconsistent: "Washington, DC" v. "Washington, D.C." I wasn't sure what the convention is, so I left it;
    • in the Carnegie Institution for Science section there are two links (CIW and CIS), one of which links back to the other. It might make sense to cull the redirect link here;
    • the duplicate link checker highlights a few possibilities: General Electric, World War I, Brigadier General (United States), Major General (United States), Rear Admiral (United States), Tufts College, United States Atomic Energy Commission, National Science Foundation, Carnegie Corporation of New York, Johns Hopkins University, etc. Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 01:09, 1 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Thanks for your review! Hawkeye7 (talk) 04:01, 1 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • "During World War I Bush worked with..." I wonder if, for context, it might be clearer as: "In 1917, following the United States' entry into World War I, Bush went to work with the National Research Council..." (or something similar);
    • "During World War I, AMRAD prospered with military contracts..." --> maybe better as: "During World War I, AMRAD had prospered with military contracts..."
    • "which allowed the organization to hit the ground running" (possibly a little too informal);
    • capitalisation here: "40,000 per day.[51] "if one looks at the proximity fuze program as a whole," historian... ("if one..." looks like it is the start of a new sentence);
    • "Bush briefed Roosevelt on the Tube Alloys, the British atomic bomb project..." Would this work as: "Bush briefed Roosevelt on Tube Alloys, the British atomic bomb project" (removal of the "the"). AustralianRupert (talk) 09:22, 1 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments. As always, feel free to revert my copyediting. Please check the edit summaries. - Dank (push to talk)

  • "known for his work on analog computers, his role as an initiator and administrator of the Manhattan Project, as the founder of Raytheon, and for the memex ...": Nonparallel. I'd go with: known for his work on analog computers, for his role as an initiator and administrator of the Manhattan Project, for founding Raytheon, and for the memex
  • "an adjustable microfilm viewer analogous to the structure of the World Wide Web. He is credited with inspiring the creation of the New Media.": I don't get a hit on "New Media" below the lead, and this is hard to understand. Importing from the last paragraph of the lead, since it's so prophetic: "an adjustable microfilm viewer that influenced generations of computer scientists. In 1945, Bush published As We May Think in which he predicted that "wholly new forms of encyclopedias will appear, ready made with a mesh of associative trails running through them, ready to be dropped into the memex and there amplified"."
  • "six–thousand": six thousand
  • "was a driving force behind it receiving the top priority": WP:PLUSING (pronoun plus -ing, in this case)
  • "to it being sold": to selling it, or to its sale. - Dank (push to talk) 22:22, 3 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Your edits on the above look good.
  • "... Dr. Robert H. Goddard, who was regarded as a loner and a crank.": Calling someone a "loner and a crank" needs in-text attribution. If sufficient attribution will be too much of a digression, another option is to tone it down.
  • Support on prose per standard disclaimer. These are my edits. [I stopped listing my edits for a while because the toolserver was lagging for weeks; hopefully it's fixed now.] - Dank (push to talk) 19:31, 4 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Comments Support
    • In the NDRC section, why is Karl Compton the only one without his position identified?
      • Because I already said he was President of MIT in the previous section. Should this be repeated? Hawkeye7 (talk) 03:03, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
        • Ah, I missed that when I read through. So perhaps don't link his name again, since (at least to me) that seems like you're introducing him again. Parsecboy (talk) 12:15, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • In the National Science Foundation section, it notes that Bush was open to prosecution over conflict of interest issues from the war. Was he ever charged with anything? If not, why mention this?
      • No, he was never charged; but it was the reason for his desire to wind up the organisation. Hawkeye7 (talk) 03:03, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • The source link for File:Lawrence Compton Bush Conant Compton Loomis 83d40m March 1940 meeting UCB.JPG is dead.
      • Link rot. Switched to another location. Hawkeye7 (talk) 03:03, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • I made a couple of tweaks, hopefully they're ok. Parsecboy (talk) 22:04, 16 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
      • They're great! Thanks for your review! Hawkeye7 (talk) 03:03, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
        • Looks good to me now, so I'm moving to support. The Compton thing is pretty minor, and you don't have to do anything with it if you don't want to. Parsecboy (talk) 12:15, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page, such as the current discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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