Wikipedia:Peer review/William McGregor/archive2

William McGregor edit

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for January 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
When this article was passed at GAN, the passing editor said he hoped to see it soon as FAC, but I didn't do anything about that at the time. I'd now be interested to know if people feel there's enough meaty content to merit an FAC, and if so whether there's any further little tweaks need to be made......

Thanks, ChrisTheDude (talk) 10:50, 2 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Brianboulton:

The article is basically OK, but a bit short, and rather lacking in the depth of information required for a biographical article. It might have some difficulty meeting the "comprehensive" criterion at FAC. For example, the information about his activities after the initial founding of the Football League is extremely thin. He was chairman of the League's management committee, then it's president - what was he doing in these critical early years? Presumably he was busy, so let's hear about it. Also, he was chairman of the FA for six years – again, what did he do? What policies did he develop? How and when did he become a committee member of the FA - it's not mentioned in the article. I would guess that his period as an active national football administrator was the most productive and interesting of his life, but it's glossed over. There must be more to be said.

The lead could also be expanded; at present it doesn't really act as a summary of the article.

In addition to these general points I have a number of prose and other minor issues:-
- Lead
  - First line, comma required after "Victorian era", delete "who is"
  - Aston Villa should be "Aston Villa Football Club" for the benefit of non-UK readers
  - The Aston Villa sentence needs splitting. Suggest a full stop after "England", then: "He served the club..."
- Early life
  - "and" is inappropriate in the first sentence, since the two parts of the sentence are unconnected. Perhaps it could begin: "Born in Braco on Perthshire, McGregor first became..."
  - "he served his apprenticeship..." I know this is commonly said, but strictly speaking it should be "an" apprenticeship (he could hardly have served someone else's).
  - In the same sentence, it's an "and" rather than a "but". The sentence might benefit from a little general rewording.
- Association with Aston Villa
  - "He also umpired..." This was no doubt the correct term for the 1870s, but it would be better to use the modern term "refereed", for the benefit of today's readers. At the very least the tern "umpired", if you keep it, should be footnoted.
  - Also, the umpiring bit should form a separate short sentence, as it's unrelated to the main part.
  - "Originally the club played at Aston Park" - what is the purpose of "originally" here?
  - There's another unwarranted "but" here; suggest put a semicolon afte "business", delete the "but" and continue.
  - You say he was a director until 1895, then became vice chairman and after that, chairman. Did he cease to be a director when he held these posts? Surely the club chairman and vice-chairman has to be a director?
- Founder of the Football League
  - The first sentence is too long and needs to be split
  - "was moved to take action" --> "took action"
  - It should be explicitly stated that the extended blockquote is the text of McGregor's letter, e.g. "His letter reads as follows:-"

I hope these suggestions help. Brianboulton (talk) 21:53, 12 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I figured the response would be that the article would be too short and not in-depth enough for FA, hence my asking for opinions rather than just listing it. Thanks for the second opinion :-) To be honest, despite having consulted a number of books on football history and a number of published biographies of the man himself, I've found nothing of substance about him time at the FA other than what's already in the article. Your other points are all good, I will get them actioned -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 08:17, 13 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]