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Wikipedia:Peer review/White Lies (band)/archive2

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White Lies (band) edit

Previous peer review
Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review previously (see Wikipedia:Peer review/White Lies (band)/archive1, based on this revision), and it was recommended that I "...hold off nominating this for FA until the first album is fully released and toured". It was stated also that "this is not a criticism of the article in anyway", with there being few criticisms of the article in the last review itself. Now that this milestone has passed, i have put further work into the article and that it is as good as it can be. This is the most effort I have put into any article on Wikipedia, and would love to see it featured.

Thanks, SteelersFanUK06 ReplyOnMine! 22:59, 31 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Review by Jafeluv edit

Lead:

  • "The band are complemented by Tommy Bowen..." are → is
  • "White Lies' musical style has been described as dark yet uplifting by the media,[3] with the former drawing comparisons to Joy Division, Editors and Interpol." The "with -ing" structure is ungrammatical. Should probably be "White Lies' musical style has been described as dark yet uplifting by the media,[3] and the former has drawn comparisons to..."
    •   Fixed - Have changed to "White Lies' musical style has been described as dark yet uplifting by the media,[3] with the former drawing comparisons to Joy Division, Editors and Interpol." Does this suit? --SteelersFanUK06 ReplyOnMine! 00:22, 9 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

History:

  • The subsection headings are confusingly named. "Formation (2005-2007)" already talks about the name change, and To Lose My Life... is already discussed under "Name change and debut singles (2007-2008)". Either move the text to the corresponding section or rename the sections.
    •   Fixed - Sections renamed to "Formation (2005–2007)", "Early releases (2007–2008)", "To Lose My Life... and future (2009-present)" - is this better? --SteelersFanUK06 ReplyOnMine! 00:22, 9 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
      • "Early releases" is definitely a better name for the second subsection. However, I somewhat disagree with your dividing the text into subsections by year rather than by event. In my opinion, the second and third paragraph of "Early releases" should be under "To Lose My Life...", since they already talk about the debut album. The last subsection could then be "To Lose My Life... (2008–present)". The current "2009–present" is kind of confusing anyway since 2009 is the present :) For an example on how to divide information into subsections logically, see Metallica (a featured article). If you think the last subsection will become too long you can make "Future" a new subsection (just a suggestion, of course). Jafeluv (talk) 19:20, 10 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
        • I have renamed the sections "Formation", "Early releases", "To Lose My Life" and "Future", with the removal of dates. Should the dates be kept out? --SteelersFanUK06 ReplyOnMine! 15:46, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
          • If by dates you mean the years in the subsection headings, I have no problem with including them. If you looked at Metallica, they do include the years. Same with AC/DC, Genesis (band) and Slayer – all featured articles. What I was concerned about was putting the information under the right heading. So, if a subsection is titled "To Lose My Life", it's supposed to contain all the information on the album in question. I see you've moved the text I suggested. Jafeluv (talk) 13:02, 12 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Name change and debut singles (2007–2008):

  • "As well as this, the band signed with..." → "The band also signed with..."
  • "When asked about their name, the band said they chose the name because..." → "The band said they chose the name because..." – The first part is redundant.
  • "playing single "Unfinished Business" and "Death"" → "playing the singles..."
    • I hadn't included a reference to "Death" being a single as of yet as this is not mentioned until later in the article. Have changed to "playing singles "Unfinished Business" and "Death"" in the meantime. --SteelersFanUK06 ReplyOnMine! 00:22, 9 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The tour included an appearance at the CMJ Music Festival in New York" – "New York" should probably point to New York City instead of New York

To Lose My Life... and future (2009-present):

  • "The cover was included as a b-side to..." – Capitalize B-side.
  • "Upon the release of To Lose My Life, White Lies became the first British act in 2009 to achieve a number one album." – The source doesn't seem to support the claim. It talks about the first number one debut album.
  • "the latter being the band's first performance on US television.[47]" – Facebook is not a reliable source.
  • "Whilst in North America, the band co-headlined..." – Replace "whilst" with "while". See here.
  • "Whilst still in the UK, the band made..." – "Whilst" again.
  • "due to the nature of the band's song writing techniques.." – Songwriting is one word.

Dead references:

Jafeluv (talk) 16:13, 6 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

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