Wikipedia:Peer review/Turtle Rock Studios/archive1

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to push it to GAN, and would like to receive addition comments to further improve the article before nominating.

Thanks, AdrianGamer (talk) 15:14, 20 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from RO

edit
Lead
  • In addition, the founder of the company
Introductory clauses such as "in addition" are rarely appropriate in formal writing.
Prior to founding
  • founded by Michael Booth, Phil Robb, and Chris Ashton
You use a serial comma here, but in the lead you did not: "founded in March 2002 by Michael Booth, Phil Robb and Chris Ashton". Either style is acceptable, but usage ought to be consistent throughout.
  • Robb as a freelancer, and Booth as a contractor, later decided to join Valve and were reunited with Ashton.[4]
This is technically correct grammar, but it strikes me as borderline dangling.
Turtle Rock 1.0
  • The team, whose size was about six people
This could be made simpler, such as "The team of about six people".
  • As the team had only developed competitive multiplayer games before
This should read, "As the team had developed only competitive multiplayer games before".
  • which is a scenario where players fight against bots, equipped only with knifes, and act like zombies
Who are the knife-wielding zombies, the robots or the player characters?
  • and Valve proposed helping to fund and publish the game
This needs a good polishing.
Valve South
  • co-ordination between the two studios was difficult as they were physically far apart from each other
Coordination ought not be hyphenated, and this is confusing. Coordination between points in the communication age isn't difficult, especially for a computer tech-based company.
Turtle Rock 2.0
  • Robb and Ashton decided to share the position of studio head. Ashton initially declined the request, but eventually accepted and partnered with Robb to lead the studio.
This needs polishing, as you first state the decision, then flashback to Ashton's apprehension.
  • Both of them considered themselves video game developers not managers
"They considered themselves developers"
  • the studio decided to split away from the two franchises, to work on something new.
The comma is unnecessary, and the split-infinitive could be avoided by saying, "the studio decided to split away from the two franchises and work on something new."
  • However, most of them were not supportive
Avoid using "however".
  • In addition, these companies thought that Turtle
Another superfluous introductory phrase.
  • Eventually, publisher THQ decided to accept
And another ...
  • According to Robb, THQ's then president Danny Bilson, and Jason Rubin, were very enthusiastic
This "according to" is also unnecessary.
  • But THQ was in a financial crisis that had begun in 2010
It's an old school rule, but it's typically inappropriate to begin a sentence with "but". But in fairness, others will say it's okay.
Future
  • Per WP:WEASEL, we should avoid using "Robb also says".
Left 4 Dead
  • with assistance provided by publisher Valve Corporation
Elsewhere you just say "Valve", so why the renewed formality?
  • The game released on Microsoft Windows
"The game was released"?
Evolve
  • I assume there is a main article that could be linked to here.
Philosophy
  • According to Robb and Ashton, they enjoy playing co-operative multiplayer games and are passionate about them
Drop the "according to".
  • The relationship between the company's management and staff is close
How about, "The company's management and staff enjoy a close relationship"?
Conclusion

This is a well- written and presented piece. Most of the prose is quite good, and I only see little issues that are easily fixed. Nicely done, and keep up the great work! RO(talk) 17:01, 20 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@Rationalobserver: Thank you once again for giving comments. I have gone ahead and fixed most of your concerns. AdrianGamer (talk) 03:34, 21 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]