Wikipedia:Peer review/The Longing/archive1

The Longing

I've listed this article for peer review because I believe it is a potential FAC. I’ve been expanding the article for the past month, and I believe it is generally comprehensive. Nearly all the sources have been provided by the WP:VG/RS, but I’ve included a few outside sources too. I appreciate any suggestions, though I would especially like some help on the prose.

Thanks, ‡ The Night Watch ω (talk) 06:03, 25 November 2022 (UTC)

Comments from TheJoebro64

Claiming my spot. Should have a review up within a few days. JOEBRO⁶⁴ 18:53, 28 November 2022 (UTC)

@TheJoebro64 Just a little nudge from me, hope you don't mind. ‡ The Night Watch ω (talk) 16:12, 6 December 2022 (UTC)

Don't mind the nudge at all. Finals are coming up so my wiki-time's been limited (and the time I have spent on here was doing other things). Expect some comments this week. JOEBRO⁶⁴ 03:27, 7 December 2022 (UTC)

Take as much time as you need. Finals are always more important. Good luck! ‡ The Night Watch ω (talk) 18:54, 7 December 2022 (UTC)

@TheJoebro64 Are you available now? The Night Watch (talk) 02:38, 24 December 2022 (UTC)

God I am so sorry—if it's not up by Tuesday please ping me again. JOEBRO⁶⁴ 20:23, 24 December 2022 (UTC)

My belated review. Sorry it took so long! Overall, I don't have much to say, but here's what stood out to me:

• For his diploma at Animationsinstitut in Film Academy Baden-Württemberg, Pyta wanted to develop a game and a film, but only the film was eventually finished. Animationsinstitut later transferred their rights to the unfinished game back to Pyta, who used it to apply for funding towards The Longing. I don't see the relevance of the film bit—I think it confuses things, since its connection to The Longing feels a bit weak other than "Pyta made it" and it's never brought up again. Not to mention, is this unfinished game what became The Longing? It's not clear.
• You've got a lot of scare quotes that aren't necessary or could be easily paraphrased
• I'd avoid the passive voice as much as possible, and I think there's some wordiness that could be trimmed. E.g. The Shade was designed so that the player could compare their own feelings of loneliness to the character's. → Pyta designed the Shade so that players could relate to its feelings of loneliness.
• I'd Ctrl+F and look for every mention of "the game's" or "of the game"—you'll find in 99% of cases, it's not necessary. For example: "Pyta considered empathy to be a key strength of the game"
• Since there are only two MC scores and they're both the same, I'd just do one 79/100 rather than two in the reception box
• I'd recommend checking out some copyediting essays, as they'll help tighten your writing when you bring this to FAC. WP:REDEX, User:Tony1/Advanced editing exercises, WP:ELEVAR

That's all from me. I'll do some copyediting when I get the chance. JOEBRO⁶⁴ 20:02, 26 December 2022 (UTC)