Wikipedia:Peer review/Sinistar: Unleashed/archive1

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want a final polish before renominating at FAC.

Thanks, — ΛΧΣ21 23:17, 5 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from ajmint
Lead
  • I would drop the second "was" in the second sentence
  • "originally titled Out of the Void": "envisioned as" is unclear
  • I would drop "aforementioned"
  • Link Midway Games?
  • Would drop the comma before "and calling the game"
  • Would drop "the" before "similarities", since they aren't mentioned previously.
Gameplay
  • "Like its predecessor"
  • I would say "giving the player the ability to maneuver"
  • "making a total of 29 levels"
  • I would put a paragraph break before "The player is given a starship"
  • "and they are tasked with powering"
  • The serial comma makes "white, pink, and red" sound a bit clunky
  • I would split up "onto" as the "on" is part of the verb phrase "to move on"
  • "from which to choose", with two 'o's, although I would use "to choose from"
Development
  • I would reword the final sentence to "In their book Computer Gamer's Bible, Mark L. Chambers and Rob Smith noted..."
Release
  • I would link THQ in its first prose appearance
  • Comma after "general manager of GameFX"
  • Perhaps clarify what "gone gold" means?
Reception
  • "complimented its graphics and the addition of": I don't think "as well as" warrants a comma
References
  • All of the references use a British date format; consider reformatting them to put the month first, as in the Release section, because this is an American game
  • The -- in ref 4 and the - in ref 9 need to be replaced with an en dash (–)

I also gave the article a run through AWB; for future reference, you don't need to italicise the work in {{cite web}} and {{cite news}} as the templates do it for you.

ajmint (talkedits) 00:36, 7 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]