Pyramid Head edit
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I believe that it is close to becoming a featured article (it recently reached A-class), but not quite.
Basically, I would like to know how to improve it. Thanks, Kaguya-chan (talk) 14:01, 11 December 2010 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: I had never heard of Pyramid Head before reading this. I found the article to be more interesting than many pieces about computer games, largely because the analysis section adds something substantial to think about. I especially enjoyed reading that section, but I think the whole article is good. To reach FA quality, you will need to smooth and tighten the prose here and there and and clarify some ambiguities, and I have doubts about the second fair-use image. Here are a few other suggestions and comments as well:
Lead
- "Silent Hill: Homecoming". - This title appears in the lead with a colon but without a colon later in the article. Delete the colon?
- I think it might be helpful to add "computer-controlled opponent" or something similar in parentheses after "boss". The link helps, but non-gamers are likely to think the word means "office boss" or "company boss" if they don't click on the link.
Design and characteristics
- "Of the creatures that appeared in Silent Hill 2, only Pyramid Head features an "overtly masculine" appearance." - Since the second verb is present tense, shouldn't the first verb be "appear"?
- "As revealed by Konami's The Book of Lost Memories, Pyramid Head's appearance was a variation of the outfits of the executioners from the fictional history of the town, who wore red hoods and ceremonial robes to make themselves similar to Valtiel,[7] a monster who appears in Silent Hill 3." - It might be better to split this sentence by adding a terminal period after "town" and beginning the next sentence with "They wore red hoods... ".
- "Pyramid Head also shares traits with Valtiel, such as similar gloves, cloth stitching, and following the protagonist of the game." - Perhaps smoother would be "Like Valtiel, Pyramid Head dresses in gloves and stitched cloth and pursues the game's protagonist".
Silent Hill 2
- "He first appears from behind a gate and makes no attempt to attack him.[3] Later in an apartment, James walks in on his rape and murder of two Mannequins... ". - Even though you are probably trying to avoid repeating the actual names over and over, the "he", "him" and "his" in these sentences are a bit ambiguous. I think it would be better to use the names; i.e. "Pyramid Head first appears ... and makes no attempt to attack James... Later, James walks in on Pyramid Head's rape... ".
- "She reminisces about a trip that only he and Mary took to a hotel in Silent Hill, before trying to seduce him." - Perhaps "... before she tried to seduce him"?
Film
- The caption says, "... for his film portrayal, Gans changed him... ". - Would this be more clear as "... for his film portraylal, Gans changed Pyramid Head... "? The "him" is not only ambiguous, it seems to contradict the claim in the main text that the monster of the film is female (although played by a male actor).
- "Pyramid Head's physical appearance differs from Silent Hill 2. Red Pyramid's appearance is conjured from a female perspective." - Merge to avoid repetition? Suggestion: "In the film, Pyramid Head appears to be female rather than male." Or, if that is not what you mean, make the meaning more clear. I'm not sure what "conjured from a female perspective" means.
Silent Hill Homecoming
- "Mindful of his role in Silent Hill 2... " - Again, "his" is ambiguous. Does it mean "Bogeyman", or does it mean "Pyramid Head", or does it mean Alex? Technically, Bogeyman didn't appear in Silent Hill 2, if I am understanding this correctly. I think "his" means "Bogeyman", but then the reference to Silent Hill 2 does not make sense.
Other
- Nothing inside a direct quotation should be linked. If you want to link "fan service", you'll need to paraphrase. Something like "The writer, Tom Waltz, later said he regretted the cameo, added merely as fan service"?
Analysis
- WP:MOSQUOTE frowns on fancy quotes: "Styling of apostrophes and quotation marks: they should all be straight, not curly." You might try a quote box instead. See {{quote box}}.
Images
- I doubt that the fair-use rationales for two Pyramid Head images will survive close scrutiny. Is the second one really necessary for a reader's understanding of the material? It might even be said that the second image shows the opposite of what the caption suggests; to me the monster looks small and peculiar rather than tall and powerful.
Other
- The dab checker at the top of this review page finds one link ("escapist") that goes to a disambiguation page instead of the intended target.
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 19:01, 21 December 2010 (UTC)