Wikipedia:Peer review/Pokémon Diamond and Pearl/archive2

Pokémon Diamond and Pearl

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for January 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
WikiProject Pokemon hasn't a single FA yet, so I think I had better do something about that. I'm mostly looking for a critique of the prose/copyedit, preferably from someone who is unfamiliar with the games so he/she could point out jargon/unclear terms/etc. in addition to suggestions for the prose. Of course, any comments would be very much appreciated.

Thanks, Ink Runner (talk) 21:18, 16 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

First of all, excellent job with the article; it's looking great. Some things that will need to be attended to before going to FAC is the "Related games" section. Both Platinum and Ranch will need to be expanded a little bit; take a look at this for a rough example. I might add more to this review later, and good luck! Artichoker^[talk] 00:34, 17 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks muchly! I'll model the Platinum section after Red/Blue's LG/FR section, but I'm not sure how much to expand the Ranch section. Ink Runner (talk) 00:57, 17 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

There's probably enough info on it for at least one good-sized paragraph. Two would be even better though. Artichoker^[talk] 01:29, 17 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: Although not a big gamer, I found this article interesting, generally clear, and apparently comprehensive. The image licenses look OK to me, probably including the two fair-use images. While the prose is generally good, I have suggestions for further improvement.

Lead

"Both games are independent of each" - Suggestion: "The games are independent of each"
Changed to your suggestion. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Gameplay

"The bottom screen of the Nintendo DS holds the Pokétch, a multi-functional device that keeps track of time, shows the status of Pokémon in the player's party, etc. Also note the return of time features from Gold and Silver." - This caption is a bit too long. Generally "etc." is a weasel, and the reader should not be addressed directly in an encyclopedia article. "Also, note" is an imperative that tells the reader directly to do something. Suggestion: "The bottom screen of the Nintendo DS holds the Pokétch, a multi-functional device with features related to time tracking and player status."
Changed to your suggestion. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"During battle with a wild Pokémon (other trainers' Pokémon cannot be captured), the player may use a Poké Ball on the wild Pokémon." - This has a complete sentence embedded in parentheses within a complete sentence. It's OK to put things in parentheses now and again, but they should be used sparingly. Suggestion: "Although other trainers' Pokémon cannot be captured, during a battle with a wild Pokémon, the player may use a Poké Ball on the wild Pokémon."
Changed to your suggestion. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"If successful, the Pokémon will be added to the player's active party (or stored if the player already has the maximum six Pokémon in his party)." - A bit awkward. Suggestion: "A successful capture adds the Pokémon to the player's active party or stores it if the player already has the maximum of six Pokémon."
Changed to your suggestion.

Features

"the lighting of the world" - Does this mean the lighting of the viewing screen?
No, I mean the overworld uses a darker palette of colors at evening and night and lighter colors during the day. The lighting of the screen itself doesn't change. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"five different time periods" - Suggestion: "five time periods"
Changed to your suggestion. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"categorized into three groups based on how they are executed: physical, special, and other. Attacks that make physical contact with the opponent are "physical", attacks that do not make physical contact are "special", and moves that do not deal damage directly are classified as "other". - Delete "based on how they are executed: physical, special, and other" to reduce redundancy.
Changed to your suggestion. Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Game Boy Advance - Wikilink
Done. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"Like Pokéblocks in the third-generation games, baked goods called Poffins can be made from berries and fed to Pokémon in order to boost a particular trait (and therefore the likelihood of success in a relevant Contest). - No need for the parentheses
Removed parentheses. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Connectivity to other devices

"Pokémon that know HM moves" - What are HM moves?
I removed that phrase since it really isn't essential to understanding the gameplay. Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Setting and plot

"early on in the game" - Delete "on".
Done. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"save Professor Rowan from them" - "Team" is singular. Suggestion: "save Professor Rowan from it"
Fixed. Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"their motives" - its motives. Alternatively, to speak of the team in the plural, you might use "team members".
Fixed. Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"Team Galactic captures the Mirage Pokémon and imprisons them in their headquarters, where they extract crystals from them to create the Red Chain (an object that can control Pokémon) to control the legendary Pokémon Dialga (in Diamond) or Palkia (in Pearl)." - The singular-plural distinction becomes especially important in this sentence because "they" and "them" may mean either group. Suggestion: "Team Galactic captures the Mirage Pokémon and imprisons them in Team Galactic headquarters, where its members extract crystals from the Pokémon... ".
Changed to your suggestion. Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Development and release

"Along with the announcements" - Suggestion: "With the announcements"
Fixed. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"Junichi Masuda, one of Game Freak's music and game developers, took on the development of the titles, saying that "it will become a new type of game that offers a number of new forms of play" and that he was determined to create "the ultimate [Pokémon] version of all". - Awkward. Suggestion: "Junichi Masuda at Game Freak developed the titles, saying it would 'become a new type of game that offers a number of new forms of play' and that he was determined to create 'the ultimate [Pokémon] version'."
Changed to your suggestion. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"It was revealed that Diamond and Pearl" - Suggestion: "The company said that Diamond and Pearl"
Changed to your suggestion. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"Nintendo of America revealed" - "Revealed" is used too often in this section. Mix it up with other options like "said", "announced", "stated", and "promised".
Changed some instances of "revealed". Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"Nintendo released a statement detailing glitches" - Wikilink "glitch".
Done. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"Nintendo has officially released patches" - Delete "officially".
Done. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Music

"other fanfares composed by" - Wikilink "fanfare".
Done. Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Reception

"while the lowest is a 79" - No need to change verb tense: "while the lowest was a 79"
Fixed. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"gave the games an 8.5/10 ("Great") and stated "[Pokémon Diamond and Pearl are] the most" - A bit awkward. Suggestion: "and said, '[Pokémon Diamond and Pearl are] the most' "
"GameSpy gave the game a" - "gave it a" to avoid repetition
Fixed. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
I got bogged down in the paragraph that starts "Most reviewers felt that though the gameplay and storyline had not changed much since the first games... ". It quotes more glowing reviews than necessary, and it repeats itself. I'd suggest looking for redundancies here and deleting them.
I removed the quotes calling the games the best Pokemon games yet, since they didn't comment on a specific aspect of the games. Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Related Games

Pokémon Platinum - To avoid repeating words from the article title, I'd suggest shortening this to "Platinum" and the next one down to "My Ranch" or "Ranch".
Done. Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"a Wii game developed by Ambrella released via the WiiWare" - Missing word? "by Ambrella and released via"
Ah, thanks for catching that. Ink Runner (talk) 06:54, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"not necessary to use Ranch, however; players without them" - Flip the comma and semicolon thus: "Ranch; however,".
The second clause ("players without them ...") explains the first clause, so I don't think "however" would be the best conjunction to start the second clause with. I just removed "however", but I'm open to any better ideas. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 21:20, 24 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks very much, your suggestions were very helpful. I'll see what I can do about PR'ing an article. Ink Runner (talk) 00:28, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]