Wikipedia:Peer review/Parks and Recreation (season 1)/archive2

Parks and Recreation (season 1) edit

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I've waited the mandatory 14 days after the last failed FAC before listing this for a peer review. I've listed it because I feel like it's very close to FA class, but despite having previously passed a GAN review, a peer review here, and serving as the main article of a GT, the feedback I got at the last FAC was that the prose could still use some work. (As far as I can tell, this is the only real complaint I received during the FAC.) I'm hoping whoever takes on this review will pay particular attention to the prose, and give me feedback on anything else that might hold it back at FAC. Thanks! — Hun ter Ka hn 19:58, 20 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: This looks pretty good to me, here are some suggestions for improvement from reading the article.

Unclear In apology, Leslie refers Pawnee officials to a social-networking website about the pit to highlight all her positive accomplishments, ... maybe something like Leslie refers Pawnee officials to a [social-networking] website about the pit to both apologize and to highlight all her positive accomplishments, ... could it just be to a website - social networking sites and pits just seem not to go together
Zoner? When the zoner resists the idea, Leslie's mother suggests blackmailing the official with information about her husband's drinking problem. maybe Leslie's mother suggests blackmailing the official, who is resisting the idea, with information about her husband's drinking problem.
"decides against the blackmail plan" seems a bit unclear in ...but soon finds herself uncomfortable with the seedier aspects of politics and decides against the blackmail plan. not sure what she did, so not sure how to restate it
Avoid passive voice Mark, disillusioned with his career, makes a pass at Ann but is harshly rejected. could be Mark, disillusioned with his career, makes a pass at Ann but she harshly rejects him.
Same thing in The season was produced by Deedle-Dee Productions and Universal Media Studios. (try it active)
for whom in ...served as a casting director for Parks and Recreation,[14] along with Nancy Perkins, after whom the character Ann Perkins was named.[15]
leader character sounds odd in ...but the concept for Parks and Recreation did not start to form until they learned Poehler would be available to play the leader character.
seems out of order (concept comes before first script?) also could any of these be active voice (not sure if they can easily) Once that casting was determined, the script for the pilot episode was written and the general concept for the series was established.[24]
immediately and evntually seem at odds here Andy was originally supposed to appear only in the first season, but the producers liked Pratt so much that almost immediately after casting him, they decided to eventually make Andy a regular character.[30]
Seems a bit repetitive The character traits of Ron Swanson, a government official who believes in as little government as possible, was inspired by a real-life Libertarian elected official Schur encountered in Burbank who favored as little government interference as possible and admitted, "I don't really believe in the mission of my job."[25]
tighten this? Daniels and Schur ~~personally~~ wrote the script for the pilot episode in the summer of 2008.[24]
missing word? The characters were made more likable after the episode was shown [at? to?] press tours and focus group screenings.[41]
contradiction? "hand dug hole" - to me this means that they used shovels and sweat The construction pit featured throughout the season was hand-dug by the episode's producers ... but later we are told it was dug with rented equipment, which sounds like they used big machinery
Needs a ref Parks and Recreation season one is set to be released in Australia on March 3, 2010.

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 04:28, 4 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

PS There are some copyediting volunteers listed in the last section at WP:PRV Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 16:16, 4 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]