Wikipedia:Peer review/Lynching of Jesse Washington/archive1

Lynching of Jesse Washington

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've been working on this page for about a month, and I've just about finished what I can find of reliable sources. The article is currently a GA, and I hope to go for FA soon. I'd appreciate a detailed look at prose, structure, and wording. Also, if you could watch for language that is too journalistic/emotive it would be appreciated. Not a fun article to read, but a sobering look at a sad chapter in American history. Note: contains graphic content, discretion advised. Mark Arsten (talk) 01:38, 10 May 2012 (UTC)

Comments by Wehwalt

Very nice, don't have much to quibble about.

Lede

• I would split the first paragraph before "Washington was tried".

• • Done.

• "in what became a well-known example of such attacks owing to its brutality and the publicity it received" This seems to get just a bit lost en route.

• • Trimmed.

• Both here and in "Trial", it says that Washington was sentenced to capital punishment. This reads a a bit oddly. Was a form of execution prescribed or expected to be used? If so, it might be wise to specify it.

• • Hmm, can't seem to find a record of how he was supposed to be executed.

• ", owing to its demonstration of government-sanctioned violence" Suggest omit, the decision to speak out against such an event needs no explanation to a modern audience. The earlier part of the sentence can be combined with the previous one.

• • Done.

Background

• "notably including" I really don't think "notably" is necessary here. You might want to take a second look at how often you use that phrase or similar ones.

• • Ok, removed that one and a few others.

• "religiosity". Hm maybe "piety"?

• • Done.

• " Many African Americans left the Waco area in the early 20th century, partially owing to racial violence." This seems mildly contradictory to what was said earlier in the paragraph.

• • Not sure I see it, but will rephrase a bit.

Murder and arrest

• " their community" I would say "the community".

• • Done.

• "claimed to find a bloody hammer" "Claimed" may be too skeptical a word, given that the only contrary text I see is a footnote.

• • Yeah, I use that word too much.

• "he may have been mentally handicapped" This should probably be inline citated to whoever is so guessing.

• • Ok, noted source in text.

• "published a similar notice" Similar to?

• • Clarified.

• "The jury was then dismissed." Perhaps "sent to deliberate"?

• • Done.

NAACP investigation

• " call for investment in the anti-lynching movement" I'd suggest not using "investment".

• • Ok, removed.

• "a campaign that led to wide condemnation" Of the NAACP or the lynching?

• • Good catch, clarified.

• "Washington's death received continued discussion, Oswald Garrison Villard wrote in a later edition" The first part of this reads oddly; the second needs clarification on whether the edition referred to is of The Crisis.

• • I think I got it, not totally happy with how it reads now though.

Analysis

• "empower lynch mobs but increase society's condemnation of their actions." This needs, perhaps and "also" after the but.

• • Added.

• " English practice" Perhaps toss a "medieval" on the front of this.

• • Added.

• "co-opted" perhaps "included".--Wehwalt (talk) 23:06, 13 May 2012 (UTC)

• • Done.
• Alright, thanks for the review, I'll hopefully get the rest done soon. Mark Arsten (talk) 03:08, 14 May 2012 (UTC)

Crisco 1492 comments

• "but city leaders prevented violence on several occasions" - Later, or at the time of the lynching?
  • Explained.
• "usually after whites were the victims of purported crimes purportedly committed by blacks" - One too many "purported"s
  • lol, I think I tried to rewrite the sentence and got mixed up.
• "In Robinson, Texas, a rural suburb of Waco, on May 8, 1916, Lucy Fryer, a farmer's wife, was murdered while alone at her house." You may need to rephrase this to avoid having six commas in a short sentence.
  • Yeah, I had seen that. It's tough to cut down on them without making things much longer.
• "a local man stated that had seen Washington near the Fryer house " - From the same group?
  • Clarified.
• "he may have been mentally handicapped" - According to?
  • Mentioned.
• "Washington, semiconscious and covered in blood, was doused with oil and hung from the tree by a chain, but was lowered to the ground" - Doesn't seem quite complete. Perhaps "then lowered..."
• Tweaked a little.
• Any papers supporting the lynching?
  • Yep, added it in.
• "Dollins may have encouraged the mob, believing that a lynching would be politically beneficial." - Is this necessary, given the reelection remark above?
  • Combined with the above.
• W. E. B. Du Bois - A note on who he was, for foreigners. Just "NAACP journalist" or something similar.
  • Those foreigners, always making more work for us :)
• That's it. Do you want an image review too?  — Crisco 1492 (talk) 07:02, 14 May 2012 (UTC)
  • That can probably wait for the FAC, thanks for your comments! Mark Arsten (talk) 01:23, 15 May 2012 (UTC)