Wikipedia:Peer review/Earl Cain/archive2

Earl Cain edit

This peer review discussion has been closed.

A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because there has been a lot of work done on this article and I wanted to know if there was anything else that needed to be fixed/tweaked/etc. I'm hoping to get this to an FA but maybe it's too soon? Please go through the article very carefully and be through. Any suggestions are very much appreciated! :) Thanks, Kaguya-chan (talk) 16:29, 6 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is interesting, well-organized, and highly readable. I have no expert knowledge of manga or of articles about this art form, but I enjoyed this one. I have suggestions mainly about prose and Manual of Style issues, as noted below.

Lead

Wikilink manga in the first sentence?
"Both were serialized in Hana to Yume, with Earl Cain Series 1 though 4 being published from 1992 to 1994 and Godchild released from 2001 to 2004." - The "with" connector seems a bit awkward. Suggestion: "Both appeared as serials in the Japanese magazine Hana to Yume. The Earl Cain series 1 though 4 ran between 1992 and 1994 and Godchild between 2001 and 2004."

Plot

"Named after the biblical Cain, his childhood is filled with abuse... " - His childhood isn't named after Cain. Suggestion: "Named after the biblical Cain, he is abused throughout his childhood... ".
"Cain returns home and poisons him." - It might be slightly stronger to say "Cain returns home and poisons his father."
"Before Alexis plunges into the sea, he curses his son to misery." - I'm not sure you can curse someone to misery. Perhaps "he curses his son, wishing him misery."
The "doctor" after Jizabel Disraeli links to a disambiguation page and probably doesn't need to be linked at all.
"After the woman Cain loves is revealed to be a "doll" - a resurrected corpse surviving on the fresh blood and organs of others - created by Delilah and dies, Cain vows to end Delilah's experiments with the dead." - This doesn't seem to be a sentence. Suggestion: "After the death of the woman that Cain loves, a Delilah "doll" or resurrected corpse surviving on the fresh blood and organs of others, he vows to end Delilah's experiments with the dead." Or something like that.

Godchild

"despite Jizabel's efforts to delay Riff's cruel personality from awakening" - It was a bit of a surprise to learn suddenly that he had a cruel personality. Perhaps something like "despite Jizabel's efforts to delay Riff's second, hidden, and cruel personality from awakening"?
"promises Mary that they will have a tea party" - Tea party is linked to a disambiguation page. Ditto for "personality" in the prior sentence. To check for other disambiguation problems, you can run a dab finder that lives here.
"Riff attacks Cain, but deliberately shoots himself, sparking a struggle between his personalities;" - Wouldn't the struggle precede the shooting?

Production

"or opening the chapter with an everyday scene to contrast the 'scary scenes' " - "to contrast with" rather than "to contrast"?
"Yuki's drawing style also changed since The Cain Saga; she believed that Cain looked older than seventeen in The Cain Saga." - "had changed" rather than "also changed"? Also, the second part of the sentence doesn't logically follow from the first. Does this mean that her former drawing style made all of her characters look too old?
"focuses on a mystery involving an "Alice in Wonderland inspired" serial killer nicknamed the "White Rabbit" - Suggestion: "focuses on a mystery inspired by Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. It involves a serial killer nicknamed the 'White Rabbit' who chops off his victims' heads in the style of the Queen of Hearts."

Manga

"Both series were originally serialized in Hana to Yume, with the four Series of Earl Cain serialized between 1992 and 1994, and its sequel Godchild serialized from 2001 to 2004." - Five repetitions of "series" or "serialized" here is probably too many.

Drama CDs

""The Twisted Fairy Tale" revolves around one of Cain's maids and relative believing that they murdered him." - Something is missing. Should it be "relatives"? Is the maid a relative? Who is "they"?
"Another drama CD was released by the same company on January 26, 2000 named Count Cain Series ~ Kafka (伯爵カインシリーズ~カフカ, Hakushaku Kain Shiriizu ~ Kafuka?)." - I think it would be slightly better to recast this as "Another drama CD, Count Cain Series ~ Kafka (伯爵カインシリーズ~カフカ, Hakushaku Kain Shiriizu ~ Kafuka?), was released by the same company on January 26, 2000."

Reception

"Courtney Kraft of The Book Report... " - Italics for "The Book Report"? I don't know if it's a company (no italics) or a periodical (italics).
"Critics felt The Cain Saga and its sequel Godchild could appeal to a broad audience, including its intended female shōjo readers, due to containing elements from the mystery and horror genres." - Perhaps "... readers, because it contained elements... "?
"He compared The Cain Saga to EC's 1950s horror stories... " - Should EC's be spelled out for readers unfamiliar with it? Also, in this same sentence, would it be better to include just a few more words explaining who Feldstein and Kamen were? Maybe "Al Feldstein, who drew and edited for EC Comics", for example. This would give a little more context for the reader.

References

Page ranges take en dashes rather than hyphens. For example, in citation 1, pp. 189-190 should appear as pp. 189–190.

Images

I removed the terminal period from the caption of the image in the infobox because it was a fragment rather than a complete sentence. On second thought, maybe it would be better to say, "The first volume of Earl Cain was published in Japan by Hakusensha on July 17, 1992." Or perhaps "Cover of the first volume of Earl Cain, published in Japan by Hakusensha on July 17, 1992" since the image shows the cover rather than the volume.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 02:33, 13 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your very helpful suggestions. If I have any time left over, I will definitely consider reviewing an article. :) Kaguya-chan (talk) 20:25, 13 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Any other suggestions? Kaguya-chan (talk) 15:41, 14 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]