Wikipedia:Peer review/Cheadle Hulme railway station/archive1
Cheadle Hulme railway station edit
- A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2009.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
Well, I'd like some feedback on this. I've put pretty much every scrap of information I could find about this station into it (that was worth putting on that is), and wish to bring it to featured quality. Any feedback will be great.
Thanks, Majorly talk 01:33, 6 June 2009 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: This is an interesting and nicely illustrated article. I have concerns about the prose in places, especially the heavy dependence on passive voice. It's not always possible to use active voice, but active is generally more direct and punchy. I list quite a few specific examples below. Also, I think a map would make the material more accessible to readers who live far from Manchester.
Images
- These are well done and interesting, but I thought of two others I'd like to see. A diagram of the rail lines showing Cheadle Hulme in in relation to Manchester, Stoke-on-Kent, Macclesfield, and other places mentioned in the article would be really helpful. Less important but possibly interesting would be a photo of the station's interior.
Lead
- Wikilink lifts and footbridge? Wikilink hamlet?
Background
- "These proposals were altered somewhat over the next two years, and negotiations between the railway companies based in Manchester and Birmingham were made." - "Negotiations ... were made". I'm not sure it's possible to make a negotiation, and the passive voice seems a little strange to me. Who made the proposals? Were the two companies negotiating with one another, or were they negotiating with Parliament or some other entity?
- "The eventual plans for a line to Crewe and a line to Stoke were approved by Parliament in 1837." - This sentence would be easy to flip to active voice, thus: "In 1837 Parliament approved plans for lines to Crew and Stoke."
- "Edgeley railway station was opened in February 1843 in response to complaints that the Heaton Norris station was 'too inconvenient', and soon became Stockport's busiest station." - "... and soon it became... "?
Cheadle station
- "Instead, it was decided to move the junction south to Cheadle Hulme." - Some of the passive sentences can be flipped to active if you can identify an actor. Who decided? If you know the answer, you can then say, "Instead, X decided to move the junction south to Cheadle Hulme."
- "The line was constructed over a number of years: it opened for goods traffic as far as Poynton in June 1845... " - The phrase "over a number of years" is vague. It would be better to add the exact number if known or perhaps to say, "The line opened for goods traffic as far as Poynton in June 1845." Also, should goods be linked?
- "In June 1846 the completion of the line to Stoke-on-Trent was authorised." - Who authorised it?
Derailments
- "several coaches were derailed" - Delete "were"?
- "A hearing determined that the derailment was caused by the train's excessive speed, and the train driver had been unaware of any restriction." - Passive/active. Suggestion: "A hearing determined that the train's excessive speed had caused the derailment and that the train driver had been unaware of any speed restriction."
- "In July 1969, there was another derailment near Cheadle Hulme involving a freight diesel locomotive." - The "there is" or "there are" openings are less strong than something like this: "In July 1969 a freight diesel locomotive derailed near Cheadle Hulme."
- "There were no injuries, and the derailment blocked off services to both Crewe and Stoke-on-Trent for several hours." - Suggestion: "It injured no one but blocked services to Crew and Stoke-on-Trent for several hours."
Alterations
- "The other two platforms were accessed from these two platforms using a footbridge, which was removed when the lines were electrified." - Just to break up the string of passives, you might say "Passengers accessed the other two platforms by a footbridge, which was removed after the lines were electrified."
- "Cheadle Hulme was also used as a goods depot until 31 October 1964, when good trains were withdrawn." - "Good trains" might be misunderstood. Should this be "goods trains"?
- Wikilink car park?
- "The lines to Crewe and Stoke-on-Trent were electrified in 1960 and 1967. The first instance of "electrified" appears a couple of sentences before this one. Move the link to the first instance?
- "growing amount of traffic travelling down Station Road, it was decided that the parts of the road... " - Who decided? If you know, you can flip from passive to active.
- "The bridge carrying the line to Stoke was upgraded first: the road was more than doubled in width and the height was increased by 3 feet (0.9 m), allowing double-decker buses to pass under it." - The logic of the sentence is a bit off since the road was not part of the bridge. Suggestion: "The bridge carrying the line to Stoke was upgraded first. The road under it was more than doubled in width, and the bridge height was increased by 3 feet (0.9 m) to allow double-decker buses to pass under it."
- "New entrances to the platforms were built, and the entire station was installed with electric lighting." - Again, if you can identify the actor, you can break up a long string of passives. Something like this would be punchier: "X built new platform entrances and installed electric lighting throughout the station."
- Spell out Member of Parliament (MP) on first use for foreign readers who might not recognize the abbreviation alone? Also, this sentence would be easy to flip to active: "Stephen Day, the Member of Parliament (MP) for Cheadle Hulme, opened the updated station in March 1998."
- The Manual of Style generally advises against one-sentence paragraphs. I think the one at the end of this section could be merged with the one above it.
Services
- "access to platform 4 is near to the Cheadle Hulme public house" - Delete "to"?
- "During the financial year 2007/08 the station was used by passengers 424,000 times... " - Passive/active. "During the financial year 2007/08 passengers used the station 424,000 times... "
- "Passenger services are provided by Northern Rail." - Passive/active. "Northern Rail provides passenger services".
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 03:32, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
- Comment
- I think this is shaping up nicely now, and I've only got a couple of comments to add to what's already been said:
- I think there are one or two too many images, and in particular the last image drops out of its section. Have you considered perhaps using {{doubleimage}} to combine, say, the two views of the station front? --Malleus Fatuorum 18:28, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
- Good idea - I have done this, but I found a copyright free pic of the front in 1900 so used that instead of the 1988 one. It still looks a little busy though. There's also a great aeriel view of the station, which is apparently copyright free too. Majorly talk 18:47, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
- What about using it instead of the viaduct picture? That doesn't really seem to have much to do with the station. I'm not certain what's causing it, but that double image is now overwriting part of one line of text on my display ... I think the image layout needs looking at throughout the whole article. --Malleus Fatuorum 19:23, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
- From Alterations: "The junction itself was revamped in 2000 and the signal box was removed in a similar fashion to several other stations on the route, having been superseded by a central signalling point at Stockport station." I think I know what this is trying to say, but what it's telling me now is how the signal box was removed; it was removed just as it was at the other stations. What about just dropping the "in a similar fashion to several other stations on the route"? --Malleus Fatuorum 18:43, 16 June 2009 (UTC)