Wikipedia:Peer review/Cheadle Hulme/archive2

Cheadle Hulme edit

This peer review discussion has been closed.

A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for May 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I wish to get it up to standard for FA. It's currently a GA. The main problems outlined to me are a) Prose issues and b) Excessive detail. Since I am the main author of the article, it is difficult for me to find such problems, so I'd appreciate it if someone could go through the entire article and help me out by pointing out which areas are unnecessarily detailed, and where the prose needs improving. Anything else that comes up would be great too.

Thanks, Majorly talk 18:56, 24 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

My pet peeve - There is sandwiching of text because of images in "Economy" and the second image in "Landmarks" drags into the next section. Now, for other stuff - "In 1879 Cheadle Hulme became part of Cheadle and Gatley, so the census data for during this period is for the entire Cheadle and Gatley area." That seems to stick out and seems out of place. Should this be a footnote or something? Ottava Rima (talk) 20:28, 24 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is a most interesting article, well-sourced, well-illustrated, and, as far as I can tell, comprehensive. I didn't see any details that I would call "excessive", although it's always possible to trim a bit here and there if you think reader fatigue might be an issue. On the other hand, I found plenty to say about prose issues, and I hope my suggestions will be helpful.

Lead

"In the early-14th century" - Although mid-14th century would take a hyphen, I believe that's because "mid" can't stand alone as a word. Suggestion: "early 14th century". I see quite a few instances of this same construction elsewhere in the article.
"In the early-14th century it was split into two, the southern part being approximately where Cheadle Hulme is today and the northern part being approximately where Cheadle is today." - Suggestion: "In the early 14th century it was split into southern and northern parts at about the future locations of Cheadle Hulme and Cheadle, respectively." Something like this would be tighter and would eliminate the word "today", which varies in meaning as time passes.
"Unlike many English villages it did not grow around a church; instead it formed from several hamlets, many of which retain their names in parts of the area today." - Suggestion: "... many of which retain their names as neighborhoods within Cheadle Hulme"?

Toponomy

"on the banks of the Mickerbrook near its confluence with the River Mersey" - Wikilink Micker Brook? Should Mickerbrook be one word or two? Wikilink River Mersey?
"Suggestions for the origin of the name include the words Cedde... " - Big C or little c?

Early history

"The estate was originally held by a variety of people... " - Does this mean held simultaneously as in "co-owned"? If not, perhaps you could delete this phrase and begin with "One of the earliest owners of the property was the Earl of Chester. It was later held by a Gamel... ".
"was divided between her two daughters, Clemence and Agnes" - Delete "two"?
"when it merged with Ridge College in Marple, changing its name to Ridge Danyers College" - Suggestion: "when it was merged with Ridge College in Marple and its name was changed to Ridge Danyers College." Although my suggestion uses passive voice, this may be preferable to the idea that the college acted upon itself to merge and to change its name.
"In 1626 the title of Viscount Savage was created for him by Charles I." - Here active voice might be better. Suggestion: "In 1626 Charles I created for him the title of Viscount Savage."
"Joan aged 23 died during childbirth... " - Suggestion: "Joan died during childbirth at age 23... "
"who bequeathed it to the Bamford family when he died without issue in 1760" - "Without issue" might be a less familiar word to many readers than "childless".
"it is from this Hesketh that the current Hesketh Tavern public house gets its name" - "Current" is another time-related word that, like "today", is non-specific. Suggestion: "it is from this Hesketh that the Hesketh Tavern public house in Cheadle Hulme got its name".
"one of Robert's descendants" - Shouldn't this be Hesketh's descendants (last name rather than first)?
The Hesketh Tavern image should be moved up a bit to avoid bumping into the subsequent section and section head.

19th century

Shouldn't this be "19th and 20th centuries" since World War II material appears here as well as 19th-century material?
Wikilink air-raid shelter on first use?
"but its villagers knew the extent of the war, and air-raids could be heard from Manchester." - Suggestion: "but its villagers knew the extent of the war and could hear the sounds of air-raids on Manchester."
"Many of the names of these hamlets still feature in the names of areas today" - "Appear" rather than "feature"?
"Some of the many farms which covered the area also retain their names in schools built in their place, such as Orish Mere Farm and Hursthead Farm." - Suggestion to move modifier a bit closer to the modified: "Some of the many farms such as Orish Mere Farm and Hursthead Farm which covered the area also retain their names in schools that were built in their place."

Governance

"It is represented by six councillors on the borough council, three representing the Cheadle Hulme South ward and three representing the Cheadle Hulme North ward." - Maybe active voice would be better here too. Suggestion: "Six councillors, three representing Cheadle Hulme South ward and three representing Cheadle Hulm North, serve on the borough council." Or something like that.

Geography"

Is Micker Brook one word or two?
"there are a few buildings, landmarks, and objects that date back to the 16th century" - Delete "back"?
"The majority of buildings in the area are houses from the 20th century, but there are a few buildings, landmarks, and objects that date back to the 16th century, in addition to Bramall Hall which dates from the 14th century. In particular, there are many Victorian buildings in several places across the area." - Does this really belong in "Geography"?
"The mean highest and lowest temperatures (13.2 °C (55.8 °F) and 6.4 °C (43.5 °F)) are slightly above the average for England... " - To avoid the nested parentheses, perhaps "... highest and lowest temperatures of 13.2 °C (55.8 °F) and 6.4 °C (43.5 °F) are slightly above the average for England... ". Ditto for the rainfall later in the sentence.
"average hours of sunshine (1,394.5 hours)" - Suggestion: "average hours (1,394.5) of sunshine"

Economy

"The local population would have been made up of farmers and peasants... " - "Was" rather than "would have been"? In the next sentence, "Kept" instead of "would have kept"?
"Today the only farm remaining is Leather's Farm on Ladybridge Road." - Another "today". Suggestion: "In 2009, the only farm... "
"the site of the original exchange is now home to an office block" - "Is now" has the same problem of variability as "today" and "current". Suggestion: "the site of the original exchange became home to an office block"
"There is also an ambulance station located in the vicinity of the fire station with the closest hospital being Stepping Hill Hospital in Hazel Grove." - Suggestion: "An ambulance station is near the fire station, but the closest hospital is Stepping Hill Hospital... ".
"was sold in 2006 and converted into flats" - Wikilink flats?
Reference 64 should come after the punctuation.
"amongst" - The Manual of Style suggests using "among".
"contains amongst other businesses a Halifax Bank, Oxfam, Somerfield, a newsagent, a hairdressers, a furniture shop, an opticians, a pharmacy, and several restaurants" - Is Oxfam a business? Is a "hairdressers" a business, or should this be a "hairdresser's shop" or something of the sort? Ditto for "opticians"? Perhaps this is slang. I'm not sure.
"the old petrol station" - Wikilink petrol?

Landmarks

Wikilink pitch and putt?
"The park is used for a number of special community events throughout the year" - Delete "a number of"?

Transport

"It was, however, very slow and noisy, earning it its nickname." - Suggestion: "It was, however, very slow and noisy, as its name suggests."
"Cheadle Hulme is situated near the A34 Cheadle bypass, and international transport link Manchester Airport." - Is something missing? Or could this be recast as "Cheadle Hulme is near the A34 Cheadle bypass as well as the Manchester Airport, which handles international flights"?

Venues

"Cheadle Hulme once had its own cinema named the Elysian Cinema, which was located on Station Road, but this closed in March 1974 meaning the closest cinemas to Cheadle Hulme are approximately 3 miles (5 km) away in Grand Central Stockport and the Parrs Wood entertainment centre, both leisure complexes which include facilities such as cinemas, restaurants, bars, bowling, and fitness opportunities." - Too many clauses? Suggestion: "Cheadle Hulme once had its own cinema named the Elysian Cinema, on Station Road, but it closed in March 1974. After that the closest cinemas to Cheadle Hulme were about 3 miles (5 km) away in Grand Central Stockport and the Parrs Wood entertainment centre, both of which have restaurants, bars, bowling lanes, and fitness spas, as well as cinemas."
"There are restaurants throughout the area that sell food in styles from all over the world" - Suggestion: "Area restaurants sell food in styles from all over the world... "

Religion

"Methodism was fairly common in the area, and the oldest reference to their meetings is from 1786." - Suggestion: "Methodism was fairly common, and the oldest reference to Methodist meetings in the area dates to 1786."

Notable people

Unlink "poet", "mathematician", and "automobile", which most English speakers are likely to find familiar?

Images

Nice images overall, and, zooming through them rather in a bit of a hurry, the licenses look good to me. My one suggestion would be to try to find a more clear image for the infobox.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 04:07, 3 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your extremely helpful review, Finetooth. I've fixed most of the issues mentioned here. Majorly talk 17:10, 3 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]