Wikipedia:Peer review/Canoe River train crash/archive1

Canoe River train crash

This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because… I intend to nominate it for FAC in due course (probably not until September) and I'd be grateful for feedback.

Thanks, Wehwalt (talk) 04:32, 3 July 2011 (UTC)

Comments from Nikkimaria

• "Wintry weather conditions and an intense oil fire made the rescue efforts difficult; and the attempts to recover the remains of the dead even more so; four bodies were never found." - first semi-colon should be a comma, but more importantly, where was the oil fire? On one or both of the trains, beside the tracks? Was anyone killed by this fire?
• Where is Camp Wainwright?
• Lead states that Atherton himself hired Dief, while article says his father - which is correct?

Almost certainly the father, even though Dief stated in his memoirs that Edna said that "Jack Atherton" had come to see her. I suspect that this is Dief misremembering what Edna said, although even cursory analysis of Dief's memoirs shows he was not one to let the truth get in the way of a good story, or his place in history.--Wehwalt (talk) 12:21, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

• "his wife, Edna" - suggest either omitting the comma or just wikilinking Edna
• What does "break his journey" mean? What is a "trial level court"?

Is "stop over" OK? I don't see what is unclear about "trial level". New York and British Columbia have the Supreme Court be a trial level court ,not the court of final appeal, and I am trying to clarify that.--Wehwalt (talk) 12:21, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

• Why was Atherton only charged in relation to one death?

The sources don't say. I could speculate, but that is not what you want.--Wehwalt (talk) 12:21, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

• The Calgary Herald or The Calgary Herald? Check for consistency in citation formatting. Nikkimaria (talk) 23:37, 9 July 2011 (UTC)

Comments from TCO-troll

• Major priorities: (1) Better organize Rescue section. (2) Get a picture of either of the two memorials. There are still relatives and survivors alive who may read this article. You don't need to take it, but see if you can get a Wikian to do so or if a blog-owner will donate a photo. You should not need to travel for it. (Newspaper crash photo would be huge EV, too, but I doubt you get that for free.)
• I hacked away at it. Please change anything back that you want (articles do better with owners!)
• Detailed comments on talk side of this page (now).

Comments from Finetooth

An interesting read, as always. I have just a few minor suggestions.

Infobox

• "396 km (246 mi) west south west from Edmonton" - Maybe "west-southwest"?

• "Full order not received by troop train, which was for it to pull into siding." - Tighten to "Full order to pull into siding not received by troop train"?

Lead

• "eliminating a sharp curve which prevented crews from seeing approaching trains" - I'd recommend "that" rather than "which" here for clarity.

Crash

• "comprised S-2-a class locomotive 3538 and 17 cars" - Missing word, "of"; that is, "comprised of"? Ditto for "comprised U-1-a class locomotive 6004" further down in this section?

That was added by someone knowledgeable in trains who did the GAN. I assume his phrasing was intentional. In both cases.--Wehwalt (talk) 12:21, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

• "Onboard were 23 officers" - Two words here, "on board" rather than one?

Rescue

• "there were about 6 inches (150 mm) of snow on the ground" - Although rainfall is generally converted to mm, snowfall is generally given in cm.

• "The train which arrived three hours after the accident transported the injured to Edmonton." - For clarity, I'd add two commas: "The train, which arrived three hours after the accident, transported the injured to Edmonton."

• "Wintry weather conditions and an intense oil fire made the rescue efforts difficult; and the attempts to recover the remains of the dead even more so; four bodies were never found." - Replace the first semicolon with a comma?

Inquiry

• "Atherton, who was aged 22," - Tighten to "Atherton, age 22,"?

Atherton criminal case

• "Atherton's father approached Member of Parliament John Diefenbaker in December 1950... " - Maybe I'm missing it elsewhere, but I thought maybe this should be prefaced by something like "Anticipating that his son might be charged with a crime, Atherton's father... ".

Bibliography

• Place of publication for the Shaw book?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 01:56, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

Thanks to all. I will give the article one more read through and then start moving it to FAC. I see no reason to wait for a couple of images, what we have now is adequate for an event which occurred in the copyright era.--Wehwalt (talk) 12:28, 11 July 2011 (UTC)