Wikipedia:Peer review/Beecher's Handmade Cheese/archive1

Beecher's Handmade Cheese edit

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for September 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to get it to Featured Article status. It became a GA on about this version which I've expanded a lot. I know the lead needs re-expanding but I've held off until I finish up the body. I have probably another 10-15 or so sources right now I'm pending to go through. How does it look? What does it need (a good copyedit aside)?

Thanks, rootology (C)(T) 16:12, 19 September 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments:

I'd cut "renowned", that seems a bit encyclopaedic. You could say "prize-winning" as an alternative, but I think it is best to let the facts speak for themselves.
Expand the lead a bit to summarise all the article, presently "Pure Food Kids" isn't mentioned and "Milk supplies" could probably be given another sentence.

"metallic in appearance" is an odd way to describe a factory.
"it was noted" - either attribute the statement directly or state it as a fact.
"Also, unlike most artisan cheeses" - "However" would read better than "also"
"cheese makers by hand constantly separate the cheese" - reword perhaps "cheese makers constantly separate the cheese by hand"
"The pH balance and levels" - pH is a measurement that is a property of a particular substance, this can't be "balanced" since it is a single value - like you wouldn't say a person had a "height balance", also levels of what? This isn't at all clear.
"the remaining excess moisture is forced from the cheese .... before being stored to age" - needs to be reworded, as phrased it says the moisture is stored to age.
"their mixture of cheese growth cultures in unusual ways" - unclear and ungrammatical
"cafe in their facility, for the public" - saying "for the public" seems redundant.
"was featured on The Martha Stewart Show, and Dammeier.." - Could add a bit more zing, may be "was featured on The Martha Stewart Show while the ex-con presenter looked on Dammeier..." :) Or maybe not?

Overall, a great article. Tim Vickers (talk) 02:28, 24 September 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you so much, Tim. I've gone through and fixed everything at this point, or User:Jmabel did on a copyedit pass he did/peer review on the article talk. This can be archived... I'm going to try to FAC it tonight. rootology (C)(T) 02:25, 6 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]