Wikipedia:Peer review/2009–10 Watford F.C. season/archive1

Watford F.C. season 2009–10

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This is the first time I've requested a peer review, but basically I'm looking for general advice on where I can take this article.

Content wise I'd be grateful for any of the following: grammatical feedback, comments on whether the prose is of appropriate length and correctly weighted, whether I am missing any sections, and whether there are any areas where I have possibly gone over the top.

I very warmly invite any feedback, regardless of your knowledge of the sport. What a football (or baseball, basketball, tennis) fan thinks is essential might appear to be useless minute detail to a casual reader, so in that respect I would very strongly welcome even brief opinions from people who have little interest in football/soccer.

I'm also quite new to wikipedia, so I'm curious as to whether it would be worth nominating this as a good article in the near future, or if because of its nature I'd have to wait until May or June. My personal opinion is that the article is stable, as the only major additions are updates of statistics, or changes made in direct response to consensus at WT:FOOTY or the season article task force.

Thanks in advance, WFCforLife (talk) 03:00, 9 November 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This makes sense to an outsider (me), seems broad in coverage, neutral, illustrated, verifiable, and not filled with unnecessary detail. Since I'm an outsider, I can spot jargon that other outsiders might not understand. (As I review more and more football articles, I am learning the jargon, so I'm not quite the utter newbie I was a couple of years ago.) Most of my comments have to do with jargon and how to make the material a bit more accessible to readers unfamiliar with the sport, and I have a few thoughts related to the Manual of Style guidelines. My impression is that this will likely be ready for a run at GAN in May or June but probably not before because the ongoing story will certainly change and could even change greatly by then.

Lead

• The lead should be a summary of the entire article such that a reader who could read only the lead would understand the essence of the topic. It's going to be hard to complete the lead until the end of the season, because the stats are going to change, and other more dramatic things (injuries, awards, championships) may happen. Perhaps you could add a kind of interim third paragraph that summarizes the statistics to date and then update that paragraph perhaps once a month through the end of the season. Just a thought.

• I agree that this should be done. I think that "As of 20 November 2009" would be too arbitrary, and I don't think backdating to October would be particularly useful, so I'll work on this at the end of the month.

• "There were many changes at the club from the previous season, with Malky Mackay becoming the new manager, and several first team players including Player of the Season Tommy Smith and Hungary international striker Tamás Priskin leaving the club." - "With" doesn't make a very good conjunction. Slightly better might be: "The club changed in many ways from the previous season; Malky Mackay became the manager, and several first-team players including Player of the Season Tommy Smith and Hungary international striker Tamás Priskin left the club."

• Wikilink or explain striker for readers unfamiliar with the sport?

Background

• "Watford finished the 2008–09 season in 13th place in the table." - Would it be helpful to add when exactly the season began and ended? Should "table" be wikilinked or explained?

• "Previous manager Aidy Boothroyd left the club "by mutual consent" in November 2008... " - It's hard to tell scare quotes from direct quotations. If "by mutual consent" is a direct quote from a source, it needs a citation to the source. On the other hand, scare quotes express doubt. Is there some reason to doubt that Boothroyd agreed to leave?

• It seems that part of the terms of his settlement are that he can't answer that question directly, but when interviewed in August 2009 he was quoted as saying "If I had stayed we would have done an awful lot better than finishing 13th." 1 Not sure if that could be considered a reliable source though. As good a fansite as it is, it's still a fansite, so I'd need to make a compelling argument to use it. Hopefully the source I've added will justify keeping the scare quotes in. WFCforLife (talk) 02:43, 20 November 2009 (UTC)

• "lifting Watford away from the relegation zone in the closing weeks of the season" - Wikilink or briefly explain relegation zone?

• "He subsequently joined Reading in June, with Watford receiving an initial £500,000 in compensation." - Another "with" as a conjunction. Suggestion: "When he subsequently joined Reading in June, Watford received... ".

Pre-season

• "The first team began with matches at local sides... ". - Should "sides" be linked to teams?
• "The club's final pre-season fixture... " - Perhaps write "fixture (scheduled match)" to make the jargon clear to wide audience?
• "and club record signing Nathan Ellington" - Not sure what this means. How could a player sign a club record?

August transfer window

• "handed a first competitive start to 17-year-old academy right back" - Wikilink right back or add "defender" in parentheses after "right back"?

September to December

• "Leicester equalised late in the game, with the match ending 3–3." - Suggestion: "Leicester equalised late in the game, and the match ended 3–3."

"3,389 Watford fans travelled to Reading, managed by ex-Watford manager Brendan Rodgers" - Write out the number in words or re-cast the sentence to avoid starting it with digits, per the Manual of Style.

• "despite a red card for Ellington" - Explain or wikilink red card?

• "Watford responded with a 2-0 home win over Preston in their next match, with Cleverley joining Graham as the club's joint highest scorer of the season." - Another "with" conjunction. Perhaps: "When Watford responded with a 2-0 home win over Preston in their next match, Cleverley joined Graham as the club's joint highest-scorer of the season."

Friendlies

• Add a footnote explaining "friendlies"?

• This is a very good point, but didn't see how this could be done in practise. There is no logical place to insert a link to the note, and full-sized text would be inappropriate in my opinion. Instead, I've inserted "friendly match" into the prose, allowing me to wikilink it.

Management and coaching staff

• The external link to Watford F.C. should be converted to an inline citation.

• Removed altogether, it was redundant.

Out

• "£2m" - Spell out "million"?

Notes

• Wikilink yellow card in note 4?
• Wikilink pitch in note 5?
• "million" in note 10?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 18:04, 18 November 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the feedback, it was fantastic and exactly what I was hoping for. I've made all of the changes in the way you have suggested, except for where I have left notes. WFCforLife (talk) 02:43, 20 November 2009 (UTC)

More commentsThis is coming along nicely. Most of my suggestions are breaking up long sentences. This is based on my personal preference and I can't say that that is the best.Cptnono (talk) 06:36, 28 November 2009 (UTC)

• Lead

It looks like this was touched on up above. It will need to be broken into paragraphs as the article grows.

• "The club changed in many ways from the previous season; Malky Mackay became the manager, and several first-team players including Player of the Season Tommy Smith and Hungary international striker Tamás Priskin left the club"

Maybe break this up into a couple of sentences since it could use more commas and that might make it unwieldy.

• New arrivals at Vicarage Road included striker Danny Graham and former Scotland international Scott Severin, along with loan players Heiðar Helguson, Tom Cleverley, Craig Cathcart and Henri Lansbury.

Same as above

• Previous manager Aidy Boothroyd left the club by "mutual consent" in November 2008 and was replaced by former Reading and Chelsea academy boss Brendan Rodgers.

Two sentences "...in November 2008. He was replaced by..."

• The first team began with friendly matches at local sides Boreham Wood, Hampton & Richmond and Wealdstone, before a pre-season tour to Spain where they faced CF Balaguer and UE Lleida.

Same as above. Start a new sentence for the games in Spain.

• Watford sold striker Tamás Priskin to Ipswich days before the start of the season,[7] and started the Championship campaign with the future of several players unresolved, including those of top scorer and player of the season Tommy Smith, highest earner Jobi McAnuff,[8] and the club's most expensive ever player Nathan Ellington.[9]

Same as above. "[They/The team] started the Championship..."

• Section headings

• Most GA season articles break the season down by month. I like that you broke it down into larger sections and how you used it as a vehicle to segment the season. However, the focus is not necessarily transfers which the reader might incorrectly assume. Keep it in mind. Here are some GAs I saw at the footy project: Bradford City A.F.C. season 2007–08, Sunderland A.F.C. season 2007–08, York City F.C. season 2008–09.

• It's a difficult balance. As you say, this is a sensible alternative to a month-by-month. I agree with your point and have removed "transfer window", but those unfamiliar with the English football season will find my choice of headers somewhat odd without the phrase.

• Since this is live in the mainspace, consider removing the January- and February- section headings.

• Hidden.

• After the match Doncaster

Add a comma: "After the match, Doncaster"

Done.

• After the match Doncaster manager Sean O'Driscoll believed that a Dean Shiels shot had crossed the Watford goal line, and that a goal should have been given.

Should "believed" be changed to "said" or "said that he believed"?

Done

• Mackay handed a first competitive start to 17-year-old academy right back Lee Hodson, and a first game of the season to goalkeeper Richard Lee.

This comes across a little informal with "handed".

To an extent that was the intention, but maybe it is too informal. Do you have an alternative suggestion?

• Barnet restricted Watford to a 0–0 scoreline after 90 minutes, before Severin and Mike Williamson scored in extra time for a 2–0 win

Both teams restricted each other. Maybe "The scoreline was..."

Changed to "The match was goalless..."

• The match finished 4–2 to Watford, with loan player Tom Cleverley scoring in his first game for Watford.

Consider not using the second "Watford" (ease of reading)

Changed to "the club". I was wary of overusing "debut".

• victory for the League One leaders

"For Leeds, who were the League One leaders at the time/would go on to finish..."

..." You would have to break up the previous line if you did this, though.

I've left it for now, because they were League One leaders at the time and have been at every stage since. Longer term I will certainly edit along these lines.

• In Smith's final game for the club,

Since it isn't established in the article yet, "In what would be Smith's..."

• Days before the end of the transfer window, Portsmouth submitted transfer bids for Smith and Williamson, while Reading were in negotiations with Watford for Smith,[16] and had submitted a bid for McAnuff.

Consider breaking this into two sentences.

Done

• Graham's goal put Watford ahead against Swansea, but Alan Tate scored a late equaliser for a 1–1 draw.[21]

Focus was shifted abruptly. Ease into it more with "In the next match against Swansea..." or something like that.

Reworded, and done my best to mention Swansea as possible while still ensuring the paragraph makes sense.

• "...including Dale Bennett, who was making his first two league appearances."

Should the tens be "..who MADE..."

Done

• The style changed from "A game against so-and-so" to "THE match..." a couple of times in the Sept-Dec section.

• "A total of 3,389 Watford fans attended AN away match against Reading"
• "Preparation for AN UPCOMMING game against Coventry City..."

If I reference the result before the team, I've generally gone with "a X – X win/defeat/draw" (or variants of these). Where I've given a game more than a cursory reference and have started talking about the team (for instance Reading), I've used "the match" or similar. For other games I start by talking about circumstances leading up to the match, and they flow naturally (Leicester and Coventry). I don't really see this as a problem, provided I don't start saying "a game" or "the win".

• A total of 3,389 Watford fans attended the away match against Reading, managed by ex-Watford manager Brendan Rodgers.

"...who were managed by.."?

Done.

• Preparation for Watford's game against Coventry City was affected by a virus affecting six first-team players

Maybe use "hindered" or something similar instead of "affected"

Not done. In the source Mackay has gone out of his way to say that the virus was not an excuse for the two defeats (despite the fact that several players were dropped as a direct result). I think "hindered" would imply that Watford lost partly because of the virus, but it is true to say that Watford were "affected" (otherwise it wouldn't have been mentioned at all).

• footnote 1" ^ Matches are normally played on Saturdays, but Watford's game against Sheffield Wednesday was moved to Friday for live television coverage."

Is this important enough to be a footnote? If so, is it important enough to be included in the section? Further expansion is possible from the other footnotes so keep it in mind.

Removed altogether, as it will soon be redundant. A direct reference to TV will come in the prose in a week or so. We're playing the team furthest away from us on the Saturday, followed by the team nearest to us (and our second biggest rivals) on the Monday. Meanwhile, the team nearest to us gets to play a home game while we're tired from all the travelling. Longer term I am considering creating an ownership/commercial/finance sort of section, which would allow me to cover this side of it properly without talking about things which have no direct relation to what happens on the pitch.

• Preston in their next match, Cleverley joined Graham as the club's joint highest-scorer of the season.

Consider adding the total.

Attempted, it looks a bit clumsy though.

• I was under the impression that using images directly below level three headers was something to avoid. I'm not sure if this is still the case. The benefits of the image might also outweigh whatever the drawback is.
  • Using them on the left directly below a header is generally a bad thing (but I don't want all of the images to be on the right). Hopefully the section will be long enough that I can move it down a paragraph at the end of 2009.
• The second Don Cowie in the International appearances table (14 November 2009) was a disambiguation. Also, consider removing the multiple wikilinks for him in the main body.
  • Removed extra wikilink.
• Liberty Stadium, Swansea was a disambiguation
• "United States national soccer team" was a disambiguation.

Thanks for your comments, they were pretty helpful. I haven't dealt with the lead yet, I plan on a major re-write soon but I've said I'll do many things over the next few days. Thanks for your on the article and help with the redirects btw. WFCforLife (talk) 11:57, 29 November 2009 (UTC)