Wikipedia:Peer review/1997 U2 concert in Sarajevo/archive1

1997 U2 concert in Sarajevo

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because… I would like to get another pair of eyes to look at it before nominating it as a Good Article. This article was pretty much a collaboration between me and another user, and the article was written relatively quickly, so not many other editors have contributed to it. I would like some outside perspective on the article, as it is tackling both a political and a musical subject at the same time, and I want to ensure the article is written for general audiences.

Thanks, Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 16:39, 25 February 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is very good, highly readable, interesting. It's certainly broad in coverage, well-sourced, stable, and reasonably illustrated. I have suggestions about tightening the prose in a few places, but the article is generally well-written. It seems nearly ready for GAN to me, and you might think in terms of an eventual FA. The politics make this article more substantial, I think, than the average concert article. Here are my other thoughts:

• The last two sentences of the "War in Sarajevo" section should be examined carefully to make sure they are precisely accurate; otherwise they might not be neutral. "Frequently shot at" is vague, and so is "many mines". Perhaps other sources can confirm these claims in a more precise way and thus head off any concerns about exaggeration.

• The images need alt text, meant for readers who are sight-impaired. WP:ALT has details. You can also see ongoing discussions of alt text at WP:FAC.

Lead

• Instead of linking U2 in the bolded first sentence, I'd link it on second use.
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)
• "U2's 1997 concert in Sarajevo was a concert held in Sarajevo, Bosnia and Herzegovina, at Koševo Stadium on 23 September 1997 during the group's PopMart Tour." - Tighten by deleting repetitions? Suggestion: "U2's 1997 concert in Sarajevo was held at Koševo Stadium in Bosnia and Herzegovina on 23 September 1997."
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)
• "Approached by aid worker Bill Carter about bringing attention to the Bosnians negatively impacted by the Siege of Sarajevo... ". - "Negatively impacted" sounds like a politician's weasel phrase. How about "hurt by"?
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)
• "With the aid of United Nations ambassadors and peace-keeping troops, the group scheduled and played a show in Sarajevo on their 1997 PopMart Tour." - Tighten by deleting "scheduled and"?
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)

U2's involvement

• ""U2's effort to discuss any humanitarian issue have sometimes been accompanied by a false instinct that U2 is also obliged to resolve that issue." - I wonder if this has been quoted correctly because "effort" is singular and "have" is plural.
  • Quote is exactly as it appears in original publication (U2 at the End of the World). Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)

I'd be tempted to add an "s" in brackets; i.e., effort[s]. Finetooth (talk) 21:07, 8 March 2010 (UTC)

• "One such act was the organization of a beauty contest, with the woman organizing the event saying that the women of Sarajevo would fight the war with "our lipstick and heels". - "With" doesn't make a very good conjunction, and the sentence is too wordy. Suggestion: "One such act was a beauty contest organized by women who planned to fight the war with "our lipstick and heels".
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)
• "Miss Sarajevo" was recorded with Luciano Pavarotti and released as the first single from the group's side-project with Eno entitled Original Soundtracks 1 under the pseudonym "Passengers". - I'm not sure what this means. Was "Passengers" a pseudonym for Eno or a pseudonym for Pavarotti?
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)

Scheduling and preparation

• "Music journalist Andrew Mueller described their experience in a single van as a "logistical and administrative nightmare". - Probably "U2" would be better than "their" to avoid confusion with China Drum.
  • Fixed (it was referring to China Drum). Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)
• "We've blagged a lot of equipment... " - Should that be "bagged" rather than "blagged"?
• "Bono offered for the group to perform a benefit concert or small show in Sarajevo, but it was requested that they perform the full PopMart show as they had performed elsewhere in the world." - A bit awkward, wordy, and passive. Suggestion: "Bono suggested that the group perform a benefit concert or small show in Sarajevo, but (somebody) asked that they perform the full PopMart show." If you adopt something like my suggestion, you'll need to fill in a word for "somebody".
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)
• "Up until that point, tickets had sold very slowly," - Tighten to "Until then, tickets had sold very slowly... "?
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)
• "Despite this, a day prior to the concert... " - "Before" rather than "prior to"?
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)
• "On the day of the concert, trains ran into Sarajevo for the first time since the start of the war." - Just "ran" instead of "ran into"?

Concert overview

• "The concert was broadcast live internationally on radio, with all proceeds from the radio sales being donated to the War Child project." - "With" is weak here. Suggestion: "The concert was broadcast live internationally on radio, and all proceeds from radio sales were donated to the War Child project."
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)

Reaction

• Mullen and The Edge both agreed that playing the Sarajevo concert had been the highlight of their careers, with Mullen saying, "[t]here's no doubt that that is an experience I will never forget for the rest of my life." - You can get away with an occasional "with" connector, but usually something else is better. Suggestion: "Mullen and The Edge both agreed that playing the Sarajevo concert had been the highlight of their careers. Mullen said, "[t]here's no doubt that that is an experience I will never forget for the rest of my life."
  • Fixed. Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 19:15, 6 March 2010 (UTC)

Thanks a bunch for the help! Y2kcrazyjoker4 (talk) 19:15, 8 March 2010 (UTC)