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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it's been a long time since I've gone for a FA push and I would appreciate a few extra pairs of eyes before I submit it. How is the referencing? How is the prose? If you're familiar with the subject at all, how is the comprehensiveness? Is it too short? Does it give proper weight to each feature and stay neutral?

Thanks, Axem Titanium (talk) 11:53, 1 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is broad in coverage, seems verifiable, neutral, and stable, and conveys the essence of the game, which I knew nothing about before reading the article. However, the article could use a copyedit to clean up awkward sentences and other style problems, especially in the early sections, and I doubt that you can justify four fair-use images. Here are some specifics:

Lead

  • "Split into four parts, players may transfer their character and save data to the subsequent game in the series upon completing a previous title." - Misplaced modifier since the players aren't split into four parts. Suggestion: "When players complete a game, they may transfer their characters and save data from one game to the next in the series."
  • Spell out and abbreviate OVA on first use, like this: original video animation (OVA)?
  • "which details events that occur concurrently with the games" - Does this mean events in real life; i.e., historical events? The word "events" is ambiguous without further explanation, perhaps just a word or two.
    • Is the addition of "fictional" sufficient or should I reword it further? Axem Titanium (talk) 20:04, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Gameplay

  • "While in The World, one directly controls the on-screen character, Kite" - Wikipedia avoids using "one" as a pronoun. Instead, sentences like this should be re-written without "one". Suggestion: "While in The World, the player directly controls the on-screen character, Kite". Ditto for all other uses of "one" as a pronoun.
    • I used "one" to avoid repeating "the player" a million times throughout the article. Is there some alternative to "the player" that I can use to avoid redundancy? Axem Titanium (talk) 20:04, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Should "shoulder button" and "analog stick" be linked or briefly explained for readers unfamiliar with the terms?
  • "Within the fictional game, one explores both monster-infested fields and dungeons as well as "Root Towns" that are free of combat." - Another "one".
  • "where one can check in-game e-mail, news" - Another "one".
  • "After completing the game, a Data Flag appears on the save file" - Misplaced modifier. A Data Flag doesn't complete the game.
  • "As an action role-playing game, players attack monsters" - Misplaced modifier. Players are not an action role-playing game.
  • "The player character possesses a unique ability called "Data Drain" which allows him to transform monsters into rare items." - Are the players necessarily male?
    • "Player character" is a term that refers to the player's avatar within a game. I linked it earlier but I reworded it to be a little more clear. Axem Titanium (talk) 20:04, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "However, this power also increases the level of infection of his player character" - It's not clear who "his" refers to. Are the monsters male?
  • "In many towns, one may also raise a Grunty" - Another "one".

Setting

  • "Recently, a number of users have fallen into comas as a result of playing the game." - It should be made clear that this refers to the fiction rather than to reality.
  • "purpose of Hoerwick's game is to develop the ultimate AI" - Spell out as well as abbreviate "artificial intelligence" here rather than later in the article?

References

  • Per WP:MOSBOLD, I'd suggest using italics for emphasis in the notes rather than boldface.

Images

  • Four fair-use images is a lot, and these seem mainly decorative. You may have to eliminate three of these to survive FAC unless you can show that the images convey necessary information that can't be replaced by text.
    • I ditched two of them. The other two are necessary: the cover art identifies the work in question and the gameplay image conveys what the actual game looks like far better than text ever could. Axem Titanium (talk) 20:04, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Other

  • The alt-text tool in the toolbox at the top of this page shows that the images lack alt text, meant for readers who can't see the images. It might not be required at FAC at the moment, but it's a good idea to add it. WP:ALT has details.
    • Do the two remaining images really need alt text? The captions are pretty descriptive... Axem Titanium (talk) 20:23, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 17:56, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Closed. Please see FAC here. Axem Titanium (talk) 09:25, 16 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
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