Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/You Lost Me/archive1

The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was not promoted by Ian Rose 10:01, 17 September 2013 (UTC) [1].[reply]

You Lost Me edit

Featured article candidates/You Lost Me/archive1

Nominator(s): HĐ (talk) and 11JORN (talk), 05:19, 10 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

We are nominating this for featured article because we thinks it meets the FA criteria. Several unreliable links have been removed, and more information has been added. Thanks — Simon (talk) 05:19, 10 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Oppose and recommend withdrawal. This has not been adequately prepared. There are basic grammatical issues in the lead, and it appears that there is at least one other major contributor to the article that has not been consulted. That editor should possibly be a co-nominator as well. --Laser brain (talk) 19:48, 10 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I've named the editor as the co-nominator — Simon (talk) 06:01, 14 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Oppose—per criterion 1a, with sample from the lede

"'You Lost Me' is a song by American recording artist Christina Aguilera for her sixth studio album, Bionic (2010)."—not sure about "for"... maybe "from" instead?
"It was written by Aguilera, Sia Furler and Samuel Dixon, while its production was done by the latter."—"latter" refers to the second of only two items on a list, not three.
"The track is a pop ballad which talks about a cheating man, who has left Aguilera's world 'infected'."—misuse of "which". Also, "cheating man" is too unencyclopedic and informal.
"However, it failed to gain impact on charts worldwide"—I've never heard this before; can you "gain impact"?
"It was successful on the Hot Dance Club Play chart, where it reached number one."—why not just get to the point and say "It reached number one on the Hot Dance Club Play chart". From that, we can infer that it was successful there.
"The video gained positive feedback from critics, who sees it as a return for Aguilera..."—I'll assume good faith and say the "sees" is a typo? The tense is incorrect too; should be past tense.
"...who sees it as a return for Aguilera from the video for Bionic's lead single 'Not Myself Tonight' (2010)."—this is an odd construction in general.
"The song has been covered on numerous occasions."—I wouldn't say "numerous"; the article body lists five.

There are reference issues too, such as inconsistencies on how publishers are notated (parentheses vs no parentheses) for newspapers and magazines. Sorry, Simon/HD, but this needs a lot of cleaning up and polishing until it is ready. I know you've worked hard, but keep at it. You can get there. —WP:PENGUIN · ^{[ TALK ]} 21:15, 10 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I am working on it again. Please bare with me. — Simon (talk) 10:09, 12 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

The lead section was fixed — Simon (talk) 06:01, 14 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Sorry, Simon, but this article needs work from top to bottom. English is indeed a difficult language, but nothing's unachievable. I have highlighted some examples from the lede, but there are issues elsewhere, like "Prior to the release two days, a sneak peek of the music video was revealed," and "According to Billboard writer Monica Herrera, the clip is opposite to the music video for Bionic lead single 'Not Myself Tonight'". These and many others are sentences that need to be rewritten to sound better and pass the first featured article criterion, which I quote asks for prose that is "engaging, even brilliant, and of a professional standard". From here on, I'd recommend that you work with an experienced editor, possibly someone who commonly works with pop music topics, and ask them to run an eye and help you tidy things up. And while this next suggestion is no obligation, I highly recommend you take this article to GAN after the copy editing is finished. This is a stepping stone to seeing how far your article has come. If you ping me on my talk page, I may be able to review this if it is nominated there.

TL;DR – There are issues throughout. I suggest this be withdrawn and be looked at by an experienced writer. Then take this to GAN, where I can assist you. I hope this helps. —WP:PENGUIN · ^{[ TALK ]} 10:53, 15 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Oppose again, as per criterion 1a. Here are just some instances where more attention is needed:

"However, it failed to gain success on charts worldwide." Please rephase.
"peaking within the top twenty in both countries." I assume you're talking about the singles charts?
"The song was described as "the heart of the album" by Aguilera." The use of passive voice is heavily discouraged unless the subject is not present. "Aguilera described the song as "the heart of the album"."
"Aguilera wanted to collaborate~~d more~~ further with Furler ~~for~~ on the album."
"via her official website." It is not immediately clear who her is referring to, since the subject (Aguilera) is missing from the previous sentence. In that case I suggest you rephrase "On June 22, 2010, "You Lost Me" was announced to be released as the third single in the" to "On June 22, 2010, Aguilera announced that "You Lost Me" would be released as the third single in the".

I don't think the article is ready for the star. It failed to make it to GA status, and the PR I don't think has yielded much fruits. I suggest you ask somebody else, if you haven't already, to have a look at the article; I would recommend Nikkimaria and Jivesh boodhun, who also contributes to music articles and has taken Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) and Halo (Beyoncé Knowles song) to FA status. I appreciate that you can only contribute to Wikipedia with an intermediate level of English. Regards, --Sp33dyphil ©^hat_ontributions 06:21, 15 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Closing note: This candidate has been archived, but there may be a delay in bot processing of the close. Please see WP:FAC/ar, and leave the {{featured article candidates}} template in place on the talk page until the bot goes through. Ian Rose (talk) 01:17, 17 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.