User talk:Reid.m.segal/sandbox

The biggest issue with the current Bonnie Strickland article is that there isn't enough information. There's only one paragraph that summarizes her involvement in the psychology community.

References: Office of News & Media Relations | UMass Amherst. (2014). Strickland Honored for Lifetime Achievement by American Psychological Association. [online] Available at: https://www.umass.edu/newsoffice/article/strickland-honored-lifetime-achievement [Accessed 15 Feb. 2019]. https://www.umass.edu/newsoffice/article/strickland-honored-lifetime-achievement MacKay, J. (2010). Psychology's Feminist Voices- Profile. Retrieved February 15, 2019, from http://www.feministvoices.com/bonnie-strickland/ http://www.feministvoices.com/bonnie-strickland/

Questions and Comments: The first few google results that come up when I google Bonnie Strickland have way longer biographies about her than on Wikipedia, so it should be easy to find more information about her.

When I search her on google there is a picture on the Wikipedia section that they show at the top of the google results, but when actually on her page, there is no picture. I'm wondering how to fix that.

Reid.m.segal (talk) 20:46, 15 February 2019 (UTC)

Feedback

@Reid.m.segal and Megan.rodgers6: Nice work on your draft. Some things you could change

• is known for her lifelong commitment to psychology - "lifelong commitment" isn't the sort of neutral language you'd expect in an encyclopedia article. Commitment, dedication, things like that are subjective, and are usually contain embedded value judgments
• There shouldn't be spaces before references - for example, there's a space before reference [1]
• Following the discovery of her sexual orientation, she read the Bible and other literature on the subject - this is a little too "blow by blow", and could be read to mean that she read the Bible for the first time.
• Strickland wasn’t sure where she was headed after high school, but her high school gym teacher helped her apply to Alabama College where she was accepted - Again, there's too much of a narrative.
• She then went on to get a psychology doctorate degree at Ohio State University in 1962. For an academic or professional, your advanced degree is what's important
• By 1965, only three years after receiving her doctorate degree, she held the positions of psychology faculty member and active Dean of Women at Emory University - "only three years" is an implied judgment. If there's a source that points out that this is unusually quick, you can cite it, but as is, you're prodding your reader towards an opinion. It's better to say that she was appointed to a faculty position (and when) and dean (and when). When you say "By 1965" you're using time compression (I think) to jump the reader forward. Good for narratives, but not really for encyclopedia articles.
• Here, she created a course on lesbian psychology... It isn't clear what "here" refers to.
• Also in 1973 Strickland was a chair of the APA committee... You shouldn't start a paragraph with "Also". "Was chair" is passive "chaired" is more active. Also in that paragraph, you refer to her as "Bonnie" instead of "Strickland".
• You jump to UM Amherst without explaining when she got there.
• but she has many other accomplishments of note - this is filler; it uses a lot of words to convey very little information. Discuss the other achievements, but avoid this sort of thing
• You're using several bare URLs (refs 1, 2, 3, 9). Use the Cite tool to convert them to properly-formatted references.

Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 17:59, 26 April 2019 (UTC)

One more thing - use italics for book titles. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 19:37, 26 April 2019 (UTC)