Colin30
Welcome! My name is Colin, and I am a graduate health policy and law student at UCSF/ UC Hastings.
Welcome!
editHello, Colin30, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Ian and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 17:31, 14 September 2017 (UTC)
Feedback
editHi Colin. Nice start on your draft. I wanted to give you some feedback for moving forward with it. I'm not sure how you intend to add this to the article - is this supposed to be a revision of the lead section?
Patient participation, as it pertains to the formation of health policy, is a concept that has evolved over the years and has increasingly relied on patients as stakeholders.
- Is it a concept or a process? "Participation" seems more of a process to me.
- Avoid saying it has "evolved over the years" without saying it has evolved from what (and preferably when) to what. "Over the years" is too vague as well.
- Be a bit more direct in saying what it is. Assuming that this is the lead, have enough information in the first sentence that your reader has a sense of what the topic is even if they don't read past the lead. Bear in mind that what you write will probably be what appears in that summary box on the top right of a Google search.
Research has demonstrated that aspects of patient participation in health policy originated from the consumer advocacy movement, which was centered around promoting consumer safety, providing access to information and advocating for citizens to be included in decisions that affect public health.
For the most part, you should avoid starting sentences with "research has demonstrated". It's the sort of statement that's vague, but that appears authoritative. Start by saying what. "Patient participation in health advocacy originates from the consumer advocacy movement..." is a much better way to start. If it's less than certain, you can say "...according to research by [X] and colleagues..." or something like that.
Since that beginning, patients have continued to play an increased role in creating and evaluating health policy, and depending on the context, patient participation in health policy can refer to informed decision making, health advocacy, program development, policy implementation, and evaluation of services, just to name a few areas.
Here you're getting into a historical narrative, and I think you're getting there too soon. If you want to use a historical approach, do it, but do it in a section (or paragraph) that's devoted to history. If you want to say what it is, say what it is. But don't lead the reader to your point.
When you add sources, make sure you add them as in-line references. If you need a reminder as to how to do that, check out the series of slides starting here.
I hope this helps. If something is unclear, please let me know. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 17:11, 21 September 2017 (UTC)