| Pink Poodle | |||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
 Pink Poodle | |||||||||
| Origin | Molvanîa | ||||||||
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| Dog (domestic dog) | |||||||||
The Pink Poodle is a permazoid dog breed, a specialization of the Poodle, noted for its pink to lilac or even blue hair. The species was officially categorized as one of the Colordogs[1] by Siberian veterinarian Vladimir Iliich Eloppov in 1951.
According to Eloppov the dog is a result of breeding a fancy rat (of the subspecies Rattus norvegicus forma domestica lilae) with a regular poodle. However, the current state of scientific understanding in the matter, deriving since 1966 primarily from the work of Friedobald Freiherr von Unter- und Mittelschlesingen[2] is that it has been shown that the species derived from natural interbreeding of the Norwegian Blue Poodle with the Red Tibetan Toy Poodle, since this provides the only explanation of the enormous dispersion since the mid-1970s. It is particularly noticeable that no individual of any of the three species has ever been attested on the Galapagos Islands or Antarctica. It would furthermore tend to refute Eloppov's thesis that apart from initial successes in the mid-1950s, interbreeding of rats and dogs has remained overwhelmingly unsuccessful.[3]
For genetic reasons, Pink Poodles are exclusively male, which precludes the existence of carriers in the second generation. Although they are biologically fully capable of mating, the act of copulation has yet to be observed. Observation suggests that bitches reject them as sex partners, although they are popular as unassuming yap partners and takers out of trash.
Means of propagation
editIts singular biology allows the Pink Poodle to multiply by way of layering, as do certain plants. It becomes sessile in its favorite habitat, which consists primarily of feminist internet forums, and sends out a branch that at the full moon comes into contact with the soil and forms a taproot. The young poodle is subsequently severed from its father by means of a decisive bite, and begins to periodically chant in a ritual manner that is known to trigger sleep deprivation and a drastic reduction in libido among men suffering from misophonia.[4] After nine months the now fully-fledged young Pink Poodle leaves its stationary habitat in search of food and males.
Distribution
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Formerly the Pink Poodle's habitat encompassed the entire world, with the exception of the Galapagos Islands, Antarctica and Brasil. Since the early 1990s, however, the species has become virtually extinct in Africa and South America, as a result of poaching. Game wardens have not been able to stem the tide; poodle cores are a delicacy in those parts of the world, with poodle corers making on average three times as much (200 €) as mouse milkers.
A population of the subspecies ssc. Algaeuis, whose existence can be documented until the last Ice Age, apparently paid for attempting to reproduce unnaturally with extinction. The coloring gene alone survives, in the Alpine Purple Cow, of which no male examples exist.
The European population is severely threatened, in particular because of the increased demand for lilac poodle hats. German pet shops now forbid non-German-reared Pink Poodles. Export from Switzerland is strictly forbidden. Since the enactment in Germany in the 1970s of a ban on pink Götterspeise,[5] wild Pink Poodles have again been observed on several occasions in a habitat near Bielefeld.
Remnant populations of Pink Poodles have also been observed in the wild in Austria, where they can be recognized from a distance: as a result of an anatomical peculiarity, they are incapable of begging or of raising a leg to urinate and therefore sit to relieve themselves.
Während sich durch gezielte Schutzmaßnahmen der Bestand der durch die Hausschuhindustrie Anfang der 1980er Jahre fast ausgerotteten Pantoffeltierchen weitgehend erholen konnte und seit Erfindung der Leichtmetallfelge der europäische Bestand an Rädertierchen nicht mehr rückläufig ist, sind Tierschützer heute noch uneins, ob sich unter den derzeitigen Schutzbestimmungen der Lila Pudel bis Ende des Jahrhunderts in Mitteleuropa halten wird.
Pink Poodle as a circus act
editThis species of Canidae is exceptionally suited for employment in circus and comedy acts, because of its capacity for learning and its exceptional physical capabilities. It is reported that one Pink Poodle who worked in the Moscow State Circus (Цирк на Ленинских горах), in a show following the death of Josef Stalin (?) not only jumped through a burning hoop but also reported on the Leader's death on 5 March 1953, announcing, without error, "Der Fortschritt des menschlichen Wissens hängt nicht von der Erhöhung der Zahl der Sinnesorgane und nicht so sehr von deren Vervollkommnung ab, als vielmehr von der Entwicklung der gesellschaftlichen Praxis und des Denkens".[6] Notable contemporary poodletrainers include Svetlana Gerassimowa, Olga Tschumski, and Hildegard Biermoser of Garmisch.[7]
Diet
editThe Pink Poodle's diet differs significantly from that of all other Canidae: they are almost all vegetarian and subsist on muesli and swedes.
Fraudulent identities
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For some years, Grumpy cats have been jealous of the joy and delight that pink has been spreading around the world, so they have tempted to get involved. But scientific evidence shows that the pink gene automatically induces a sense of humour into the topic, which is biologically incompatible with the felixae obnoxae species. In an attempt to get around this, owners have been dyeing pink cats.[8] Some people have seriously been taking the piss.[9]
References
edit- ^ As the first and last animal ever.
- ^ Friedobald was born in 1928 as Friedobald Freiherr von Gesamtschlesingen, but by his first birthday Oberschlesingen had achieved independence. Cf. Geröllheimer et al., 1973.
- ^ Wolpertinger (1987) documents a total of 253 couplings, at least 245 of which were demonstrably unsuccessful.
- ^ Echtermeyer, Bianka; Sommer, Frank (May 13, 2009). "Männer in der Midlife Crisis: Lustlosigkeit bei Männern! Woran liegt's?". Brigitte (in German). Retrieved 13 January 2015.
- ^ This is the "food of the gods" from which according to recent research, Zeus obtained up to 80% of his nourishment, and even Poseidon c. 68%; see Dimitroffyev 1958.
- ^ Grundlagen der marxistischen Philosophie, Berlin 1959, p. 339. Editor's note: sources do not clarify whether the poodle declaimed this in German or in Russian (citing from Osnovy marksistkoj filosofii). How the poodle cited a textbook that appears to date from 1959 [see Dirnecker, Rupert. Entspannungsbegriff und Entspannungspolitik in Ost und West. Duncker & Humblot. p. 22. ISBN 9783428443857.] in 1953 is as yet unclear.
- ^ Thomas Haldimann, "Die Pudeldressur"; Musical act following P. I. Tschaikowski, Accessdate 23 April 2013,
- ^ "Swindon pink cat owner will get pet back". BBC Pink Poodle. 29 September 2010. Retrieved 13 January 2015.
- ^ "Florentijn Hofman's Giant Pink Cat Bamboozles Crowds In Shanghai". Retrieved 14 January 2015.