User:Alison/Depression

This was never meant to turn into an essay or a Big Deal. However, in September, I decided to reveal to the WP community that I'd been on antidepressant medication, and have had an 'interesting' history regarding depression and self-injury. Another editor, now banned, had decided to take it upon himself to bully me over the fact that yes, I have had a history of depression and that I was popping pills like smarties. Obviously, it was something to be ashamed of and something which made me a lesser person, an unstable and unworthy one.

I decided to tell the truth, then take a break. I'd never have foreseen what was going to happen next.

The community spoke out, and spoke out clearly and pretty much with one voice. Of the list of people below who commented, I see dear friends, strangers and people who are vehemently set against each other - all saying the same thing.

When I came back here, I was just going to delete my public statement, check for fallout and (hopefully) get back to work. However, I'm keeping it here as a message to all others who have been through this too, or are going through it right now. My email inbox is filled up right now with "me too" messages from all sorts of people on here; editors, admins, even two chronic vandals, and all in a very similar situation.

This is what the community has to say;

“ It's okay to have suffered from depression. It's okay to admit it. Admitting it, dealing with it and moving on is the right thing to do. People will love you anyway, and they will judge you on what you do and how you interact with others, not by what medications you take or what demons you are battling your life. It's nothing to be ashamed of; it just happens, and it happens to so many of us. We're all around. Really. ”

To other people out there who are hiding or are afraid or ashamed of what people might think, or are feeling worthless and unloved, read through the list below, because so many of these good people are also speaking to you.

I want to thank everyone here for being so loving, trusting and supportive of me here. I truly don't know what to say ...

Love you all,

-- Alison ^❤

(A few weeks later, I checked the links below and was surprised to find they had been oversighted - Alison ^❤)

Public statement

Hi all,

This is just a statement here, there's no need for commentary or WikiDrahmaz. Recently an abusive editor created sock-puppet accounts to make accusations against me here on my talk page (and on theirs).[1][2] They were reverted pretty quickly by my alert friends :)

“ Maybe you should tell the other editors, especially Vk, about your mental health history,and all of the tablets you are taking. ” — Gold Heart aka ThePiper aka Pronterra aka Perolla, etc, etc

and

“ Should User:Alison have indef blocking privileges revoked? Considering the fact that she is on high doses of mood altering medication? This question is of pressing importance and magnitude. The important point here is that there must be transparency. There is a risk factor, that a person's decisions may be unduly influenced by medication. Therefore, I believe that Alison should make a statement about her competency to remain as an Administrator, and to hold the blocking tools on other editors. ” — Gold Heart aka ThePiper aka Pronterra aka Perolla, etc, etc

Now my take on this is as follows; with all trolls, vandals and weirdos, the proper approach is revert, block, ignore and generally move on. Nothing to see here, folks. Every editor on WP, admins included, has a right to anonymity, privacy of their personal information and to be able to edit here without harassment or personal attacks. This is a fundamental tenet of Wikipedia and is non-negotiable. It goes without saying that there is never a reason why someone should demand personal medical information on another editor, especially if their motive is that of intimidation and harassment. We all know this. Wikistalkers love to use this kind of information to hurt people on here. I've seen it again and again.

However, it doesn't stop at that. I thought about this for a day or so and thought; "Hey, waitaminute! What on earth is wrong with the fundamental issue here? Is there something wrong with being on some kind of antidepressant medication? Is this something to be ashamed of??" I mean - there are a lot of people on here who have histories they are ashamed of - afraid they'll be "found out" and it will be revealed to the world that they had some issues in their past or whatever, and that they need to keep it all under wraps and live in fear.

To hell with all that!

Here's my history & I'm standing up to be counted. I've had issues with depression going back to my childhood. I've been on various medications over the years - the anonymous coward above knew that. I've had two serious suicide attempts; the last one was ... oh ... almost 20 years ago now. I've been involved in self-injury right up to maybe five years ago. So what? It happens. I'm not suffering from depression right now and haven't for some time. I'm currently on 10mg of citalopram which is considered sub-therapeutic and I'm thinking of cutting it out altogether early next year.

So what?

Is there anything to be ashamed about here? Nope. Is there anything to be concerned about? Nope. Does it affect me in any way as to how I do my editing here? Nope. I'm writing this, not as a result of intimidation (I hate bullies), but to show everyone that it's nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide. I hope others in a similar situation can read this, understand it, and take some comfort from it. There are a lot of us out there and it's really No Big Deal :)

Love you all, friends,

-- Alison ^❤ 18:43, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Comment I think the editor that made those comments about Alison should be banned indef from Wikipedia, there is no justification for personal attacks of this nature. This is pure harassment and should not be tolerated.--padraig 18:57, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Applause for Alison. I hope the user in question (and yes, I do know who it is), has all their multiple accounts banned for life, and furthermore, loses net access for treating a fellow human being in such a reprehensible manner. SirFozzie 20:11, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• One more: I've known you for maybe two minutes - one brief exchange. But just a quick glance gave the impression that you are cheerful, helpful, and competent. That first editor illustrated his own sickness by misspelling "compos mentis" - if he's going to use a fancy phrase like that he should at least look it up first. You shouldn't have to put with abuse like that and I hope that editor is banned for at least a year. Sbowers3 21:01, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Indeed Fozzie Who's the better person? The coward who harasses an innocent woman, or the woman who's prepared to lay herself bare and say "this is me". No debate really is there? One Night In Hackney₃₀₃ 21:02, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• This is preposterous. Just because someone's on meds, that's no reason to disqualify her. DS 21:17, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Content - one of the things I like about the Internet is the fact that it forces us to overlook age, race, gender, etc. We see only each other's ideas, thoughts, and fantasies. For all I really know, you are the middle-aged pot bellied guy down the street (oh, wait, that's me) or a little old lady whiling away her final days in an extended care facility. The question isn't what you are. The question is what you do. Whoever you are, I like what you do here (and thank you for that). Lastly, I've always said "you can tell the quality of a person by the character of his/her enemies." Actually, I always say "his enemies", but I thought a bit of inclusivity might be in order – you never really can tell. By that standard, you turn up aces again. Keep up the good work. I'll be happy to play whack-a-mole to help smooth your way. Oh, and way to come out (again)! Gees! Rklawton 21:21, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Everyone wears a mask and puts up on a front, it takes real courage to take it of and say, this is ME. Cowards are driven into the shadows by the brilliance of honesty, and exude malice in an attempt to close out this light. Alison, glow in the warmth of your friendships, attracted by your refreshing openness. And all because you dared to say, I’m Me. --Domer48 21:49, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Alison, kudos for your courage to stand up and reveal yourself under fire. That takes real courage, and I applaud you for it. Please don't let this stop you from being the great editor and person we all know. (to quote a favorite song of mine, "Don't let the bastards grind you down." Love always, Neranei (talk) 21:55, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• You're a strong woman Alison, far stronger than the trolling coward who wrote those. You don't deserve to have insults from people like them. Keep strong, Alison. Acalamari 22:15, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Hear, hear. If anyone needed more proof of your integrity and dedication, there you go. I knew yours was an RfA worth supporting... ;) Fvasconcellos (t·c) 22:21, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Applause for Alison. If we're asking admins to turn in the bit if they're on therapeutic, licitly prescribed medication, well... I'll be in that line too. I dare say many of our most active admins will be. Frankly, my slight OCD is probably a GOOD thing for the purposes of this 'pedia! Alison, I'm proud of you. - Philippe | Talk 22:47, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Dear Allie, once again, you show us the true meaning of courage, integrity, and standing by your principles. If anything, all this trolling has revealed is that we're lucky to have you here with us, a woman of your value, and a friend who honors us by sharing her time with us. Allie, just as you told me many times, don't let them get you down, no matter what - I'm proud of you, proud of calling you a friend, and honored too. Illegitimi non carborundum, sweetie! :) Love you lots, Phaedriel - 22:48, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• No Big Deal. Alison is a courageous woman of great integrity who is held in very high regard in this community. Any troll who tries to ridicule and/or harass a member of this community should quickly be given the revert, block, ignore treatment. As for the 10mg of citalopram, I have absolutely no concerns about you wielding the block button whilst on anti-depressants. That a cowardly troll thinks we ought to strip you of the block button simply because you're on medication (along with many other administrators, I'm sure, and at least another I recall admitting to being on anti-depressants), without being able to point to any evidence whatsoever that you have done anything inappropriate at all, let alone done anything inappropriate while on medication, shows that you're an effective administrator and as such the trolls are trying to get at you. Six months ago I said at your RfA that I was confident you would make an outstanding administrator. I was right: you became an outstanding administrator. And the troll is a moronic cowardly idiot. And that is all that needs to be said about that. Sarah 23:50, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Good on you (in true Aussie style) It takes courage to come out and confront that sort of inbound crap in the way you have, and also takes a tremendous courage and strength to fight your demons in the way you have. :) While I'm not on medication, I do understand where you're coming from on this, and I remember reading somewhere that 20% of the entire population have some condition or other. Most importantly, keep smiling and don't let the bastards grind you down. Orderinchaos 23:57, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Good grief, only 20%? I'd have guessed higher, but then, I work in academia... home to neuroses and mania galore. - Philippe | Talk 23:59, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Three Cheers! Alison has been one of the better admins I've seen (and I don't say this because of the Mudkip disputes). I very heavily doubt she wouldn't give you the shirt off her back if you asked. The fact that this troll singled out an admin and called her unworthy because she used medicinal drugs compared to other admins out there who would have a reason to have their admin bit revoked tells me that he's just looking for blood. -Jéské ^{(v^_^v Kacheek!)} 23:59, 15 September 2007 (UTC)

• Hugs and kisses. The above has no impact on your ability to contribute here - as an admin or otherwise. Kudos to one of the best admins around here for not giving in to the trolls. WjBscribe 00:02, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Well said, Allie. You're the brave one, as has been stated by everyone else. From what I've seen untreated depression is a problem. Cheers! -- Flyguy649 ^talk _contribs 00:09, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

• "No need for commentary"? Well, apparently some of us disagree. Thank you for saying what needed to be said - that being on antidepressants is no impediment to editing on WP, being an admin on WP or anything else! If the current ArbCom has done nothing else it has shown how heroically (there is no other word for it) you, along with your fellow admins, have struggled to keep an environment here in which people feel safe to work. You are an inspiration to us all. As for medication – honi soit qui mal y pense! Scolaire 00:15, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

• The comments above are totally out of order how dare an editor cast aspertions on another editor like that. I am sure(not knowing) VK that he would not like some other editor using such crap as his defence be ashamed gold heart and the piper if that was you go away that is wrong. BigDunc 00:33, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

• Strong support. Alison, your courage and integrity is nothing short of inspirational. Stand up and be counted indeed. ~Eliz81^(C) 00:43, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

• Good for you, Alison! - Kathryn NicDhàna ♫♦♫ 00:45, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

• Luckily this isn't the blogosphere as I don't do *hugz*, but do accept a polite but firm handshake. :O) FlowerpotmaN·(t) 00:56, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

• The only person GH has outed is him/herself as a 100% creep. Wow! You are getting some heavy personal flak lately! Hang tough. Regards (Sarah777 01:50, 16 September 2007 (UTC))

• Good statement. Tyrenius 07:05, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

• Applauds for standing up to that person and being confident. Those comments were completely uncalled for. Don't let people like that get to ya. --ÐeadΣyeДrrow (Talk|Contribs) 07:23, 16 September 2007 (UTC)}}

• Considering how many medications there are for a variety of medical ailments, this is nothing to be ashamed of, and doesn't affect an editor's abilities. I'm sure everyone agrees and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your actions in the issue. The abusive comments by that editor were way out of line. I respect you greatly for addressing the issue, and as always, support you 100%. ^Ariel♥Gold 08:15, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

Let's just hope Wikipedia never introduces compulsory tests for performance enhancing drugs. Orderinchaos 11:19, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

• Just wanted to add my support to those many above. Good on you for defying this vicious trolling harassment. Our community needs to stand together against such behaviour. I've been watching the VK arbitration pages and am very impressed by your efforts there to defend the encyclopaedia. Sam Blacketer 10:00, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Hopefully you already know you have my love and support, always. The Rambling Man 10:03, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• This is very horrible. Being of a practical frame of mind the first thing that needs to be known is if there is the slightest grain of truth in their allegations - how did they know these facts about your private life? This should concern you more than the rubbish they post here. The main account needs to be identified and then dealt with accordingly. Giano 10:17, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Allie, you are by far one of the most sensible and valuable administrators on Wikipedia. As someone who has also struggled with depression, it pains me to see that trolls would choose such a personal topic to try to publically harass you -- it's absolutely despicable. However, I think this clearly indicates that even this guy himself knows that he has no valid gripes to make to try to "discredit" you, hence why he had to make such a ludicrously low blow. You are not only a great Wikipedian, but a genuinely great person. =) --krimpet⟲ 10:21, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Strong support and speedy keep Not a lot more needs saying. Trust has not been shown mispl;aced in any way; indeeed it has been strengthened if anything by handling of this unpleasant incident. Untouched confidence in a great editor. Now get back to work - we need you :) FT2 ^{(Talk | email)} 12:11, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• For goodness' sake Allie, everyday on Wikipedia I feel secure in the knowledge that there are incredibly trustworthy, clueful, brave, intelligent people like yourself to keep this place moving smoothly. Untreated depression is far, far more deadly than being medicated for it. I have to channel all my inner Phaedriel to hope that the moronic sick freak who has harassed you like this never has to deal with anything of the sort himself. Be strong, Allie girl - we love you for who you are, and for what you do, and I know there are people out there who do too, so fuck the trolls. ~ Riana ⁂ 12:30, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Strongest possible support for one of our fairest (and nicest) administrators. ElinorD (talk) 12:58, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Strong support. I am appalled to read this and add my strong support to that of every other right thinking editor. There is nothing wrong with taking medication for any illness; indeed it is absolutely the sensible thing to do. As for your exercising of your Admin tools, I am filled with admiration for your level headedness in the face of extreme provocation and numerous ridiculous attacks. I am a great admirer of yours. - Kittybrewster (talk) 14:30, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Strongest possible support Unbelievable ... I'd really like to know how (looks at WP:NPA and disregards several sections) this clown can get off hitting an innocent woman below the belt. Blueboy96 14:52, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Pile on support as someone who spent six months trying to stay neutral in this whole sorry mess. Inexcusable — iridescent (talk to me!) 15:33, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Support. This whole thing proves my (and quite a few other people's, I reckon) theory that $niceness\propto abuse\ received$. Best of luck, Will ^(talk) 16:07, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Strong support Alison, for your courage in standing up to this bully, and outing him rather than suffering in silence. You're quite right that being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of, and more fool your harrasser to think that it is. You have proven yourself to be an excellent admin, both rigorous and compassionate, and if this idiot thought that he could discredit you, he's made a big mistake. Illegitimi non carborundum. --BrownHairedGirl (talk) • (contribs) 17:32, 16 September 2007 (UTC)
• Oh, FFS, take no notice of the little **** (I don't care about WP:NPA here) who made those comments about you. You're a fantastic admin and I'm glad to hear you're over the depression and whatnot. Sheesh, glad I've never had to cope with all that and now this. Riana described you as several things. I certainly agree with all but clueful, as I don't think that's a word. People like that socker need to go and get a life. Maybe, having done that, they could then be given a chance to act responsibly on Wikipedia, but my dad is constantly telling me that I'm too trusting of people on a personal level, so maybe we just need to permaban the bastards. As I said, take no notice whatsoever of 'em.--Vox Humana 8' 18:42, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

Blimey, I hadn't noticed it was Gold heart was behind those socks - someone who had been put in a position of trust over the ArbCom case dubbed "The Troubles" - shame on 'em! "I have finally decided to leave Wikipedia, and I depart with sadness. I have fallen in love with someone, and there is a tricky situation involved". I don't know about the falling in love bit (I can't prove anything one way or another), but by God was there a "'tricky situation involved"!--Vox Humana 8' 18:47, 16 September 2007 (UTC)

• Support my friend Alison. -- User:RyanFreisling @ 01:52, 17 September 2007 (UTC)
• I reckon Allie with all the support here... you could pass a RfB :) Just whack those bloody trolls with a baseball bat, and keep on fighting.... and the rewards will come. Tell you what though... if you don't whack them, I'll do it for you :D --D_arkF_alls ^talk 06:20, 17 September 2007 (UTC)
• Alison is one of the best admins I've seen on wikipedia; She's always fair, measured and thoughtful, both in her responses to other editors' comments and in her duties as an administrator. I could say more, but anybody who knows anything, knows that it isn't necessary, just read the above and look at the contrib history. My full and unmitigated support, R. Baley 07:04, 17 September 2007 (UTC)
• Well said I saw the first comment when Fozzie blocked it, hadn't spotted the second. All I could think then was that the person writing it appeared to be in more immediate need of help that whatever troubles Alison is going through. Certainly, of the two, I know who strikes me as being more the compos mentis.
• Having been-there-done-that too, Ali, serious praise for taking the stand and saying it straight. As Bono and the boys might say, don't let the bastards grind you down. --sony-youth^pléigh 12:18, 17 September 2007 (UTC)

OH MY GOD! Just saw who it was - I don't know what to think!! --sony-youth^pléigh 14:34, 17 September 2007 (UTC)

• Oi, Alison! The mention above of "Bono and the boys" suggests you are something of a U2 fan (as am I - as I write this, I'm in college listening to War): is this correct? If so, are you aware of Wikipedia:WikiProject U2?--Vox Humana 8' 09:25, 18 September 2007 (UTC)
• Wow Alison, you go for it girl! There's not much else I can say that hasn't been said already, keep your head up because your a far better person than some troll. All the best, Ryan Postlethwaite 11:23, 18 September 2007 (UTC)

• Unbelievable ... an unbelievably crass beginning to this thread by "goldheart" (a more inappropriate name I have yet to see) but oh how useful it was; it gave us all the opportunity to say those things, about Alison, that we would otherwise have kept under wraps. As an editor and now as an admin she has always to my knowledge acted in an exemplary fashion, with imagination, fairness and politeness, all in a constructive manner and with humour when appropriate. I presume she will soon be promoted and GH has long ago been eliminated? Abtract 14:10, 18 September 2007 (UTC)

• "goldheart" (a more inappropriate name I have yet to see) " - Too bloody true! Alison, I don't think you're going to hear anything new here, so, to help you forget about the whole sorry saga, wouldn't it be a good idea simply to remove this section and get on with life? —Preceding unsigned comment added by Vox Humana 8' (talk • contribs) 15:39, 18 September 2007 (UTC)

• Strong support. Bravo, dear Alison, for your strength and courage. Love, Kyoko 16:38, 18 September 2007 (UTC)

• What everyone else says really. The proof of the pudding is in the eating and you have shown yourself to be an excellent admin with good judgement. Spartaz ^Humbug! 17:09, 18 September 2007 (UTC)
• Just a line to let you know that you have my full support. The b*stard needs to have all editing rights revoked. Corvus cornix 18:02, 18 September 2007 (UTC)

• Support and applause. Just stumbled on this whole thing now and had to record my support (even though I've now missed my bus, it was worth it!) Bastun^{BaStun not BaTsun} 17:56, 19 September 2007 (UTC)

• Thanks for your protection of Theft. I have myself been suffering from depression on and off for ten years. Fortunately I find editing WP, particularly my favourite topic, British rock music 1968-75 therapeutic. Go get 'em girl! --Rodhullandemu 17:43, 27 September 2007 (UTC)

Please take my hand

My dear, dear Alison. You do not know me and only found out about you, and the troubles you have faced, in the course of a discussion with Rockpocket on my talk page. Anyway, my name, my real name, is Anastasia, though I sign here as Clio the Muse. I am English and in my early twenties, currently based at the University of Cambridge. I am a historian and recently completed my doctoral dissertation, which will be turned into a book-my first-in the course of this coming year. The work I do here on Wikipedia, for casual amusement in the main, is on the Humanities Desk, where I answer any history-related questions. I mention all this just by way of general introduction.

Shortly after I joined Wikipedia last October I, too, was the subject of bullying and harrassment by a user who became increasingly obsessive in his behaviour towards me. He is now banned, though he carried his campaign on for a time at Wikiversity with an almost complete, no, sorry, a complete lack of restraint. To begin with his 'attentions' upset me to the point where I considered giving up altogether, especially as one or two other little 'jackels' started to snap at my heels. But I am bloody-minded and I am stubborn. I decided that being here, not retreating, not giving way was the best victory I could ever have. I have no wish to go into details but I treated the person in question, whom I would rather not even name, with silent contempt, driving him even madder in the process. I did not, though, have the additional burden with which you have struggled so bravely. I do not think I have ever felt such depth of admiration for another woman that I feel for you at this point in time. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit gushing; but for once the cool, the icey Clio, Clio the intellectual and the dragon slayer, is giving way to her deepest feelings.

At first I wasn't sure if I should contact you at all simply because we have never come across one another, and I know nothing of the particular background. I only know now because of Rockpocket's involvement in the ArbCom ( I asked him why I hadn't seen him around for a while). Anyway, I struggled with this for several hours before deciding that I really had to write to you, and to make my statement public in this fashion. I hope you do not consider this presumptious of me. Your courage, your determination, your honesty and your spirit overwhelm me-and that is no exaggeration or figure of speech-to the point where, for the first time in my life, I truly want to call another woman sister. If I can ever assist you in any way please do let me know. With all the love and positive thoughts I can possibly muster. Much love from Anastasia ♥ Clio the Muse 08:27, 19 September 2007 (UTC)