Talk:Topaz War Relocation Center/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Epicgenius (talk · contribs) 19:15, 18 June 2018 (UTC)

@Rachel Helps (BYU): I'll review this in depth soon. My initial comments are below. epicgenius (talk) 19:15, 18 June 2018 (UTC)

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)
It is reasonably well written. a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): It is factually accurate and verifiable. a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism): It is broad in its coverage. a (major aspects): b (focused): It follows the neutral point of view policy. Fair representation without bias: It is stable. No edit wars, etc.: It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate. a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: Pass/Fail:
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General comments:

• There are a lot of images, but they're not distributed evenly throughout the page. For instance, the "Topaz in recent years" section has five images.
• The images also don't seem that relevant to the sections they're describing. For example, why is there a picture of a sewer?
• The sections don't all need to contain "Topaz" in them (e.g. "History of Topaz", "Notable Topaz internees"). We already know the article is about Topaz. You can just say "History" and "Notable internees". (though I do think "Life in Topaz" could be kept)
• The words in the section titles should be lowercase if they aren't either the first word or a proper noun. (e.g. "Architecture and Living Arrangements" should be "Architecture and living arrangements".)
• Almost none of the entries in the "Internees" section have any in-line references.
• I suppose "Topaz in film" and "Topaz in literature" can be subsections of a single section about media appearances.

More later. epicgenius (talk) 19:15, 18 June 2018 (UTC)

Hello epicgenius and thanks for starting the review. I was pleasantly surprised to find many relevant images on Commons from NARA, and replaced some of the contemporary images with historical ones. I also added in-line citations to the list of notable internees and made the other edits you suggested. I'm going to be off-wiki starting tomorrow, but I should be back by July 3rd. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 17:36, 21 June 2018 (UTC)

Because of some dispute on the talk page, I ended up adding citations to one of the descriptions of an external link. I added a special references section to the external links section (otherwise they just fell under the template awkwardly). I'm open to doing it another way though, if you have suggestions. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 17:37, 21 June 2018 (UTC)

@Rachel Helps (BYU): You're welcome. Given your statement above about being off-wiki until July 3, I think I should put this review aside until you come back. I'll leave some comments during that time, though. epicgenius (talk) 20:40, 21 June 2018 (UTC)

Regarding the footnotes in external links, it's fine. Better to have references for something if it might be in dispute, even if it's in the external links. I suppose you can use a separate reference class, such as <ref group="External-links"></ref>. Like this: then put {{reflist|group="External-links"}} in the bottom of the page. epicgenius (talk) 20:47, 21 June 2018 (UTC)

References

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Lead/Infobox:

• Ref 1 National Register Information System only brings you to the landing page. Template:NRISref/doc shows how you can specify the reference ID and the title.
• The Topaz War Relocation Center, also known as the Central Utah Relocation Center (Topaz) and (briefly) the Abraham Relocation Center, was a camp which housed Nikkei – Americans of Japanese descent and immigrants who had come to the United States from Japan. is very awkward. Especially the punctuation: two commas, two parentheses, and one dash that would normally suggest a parenthetical phrase. I would personally suggest "The Topaz War Relocation Center, also known as the Central Utah Relocation Center (Topaz) and briefly as the Abraham Relocation Center, was a camp which housed Americans of Japanese descent and immigrants who had come to the United States from Japan, also known as Nikkei". Or you can explain what Nikkei are in another sentence.
• Politicians felt that Japanese immigrants and their children were dangerous on the west coast and forced them to locate to remote camps. - (1) Could you give some examples of politicians? (2) "West Coast" is a proper noun and should be capitalized.
• The camp was opened in September 1942 and closed in October 1945. - This may be more appropriate earlier, before There were a number of such camps used during the Second World War, under the control of the War Relocation Authority. Speaking of which, you could also modify the sentence beginning with "There were a number..." to make it flow more smoothly, e.g. "Topaz was one of a number of such camps...".
• The camp consisted of 19,800 acres (8,012.8 ha),[3], - There's an extra comma.
• but the main living area was concentrated into 640 acres (259.0 ha). - Something like "... with a 640-acre (259.0 ha) main living area" would be more concise.
• This central residential area was located approximately 15 miles (24.1 km) west of Delta, Utah - (1) I would put a period right after "Delta, Utah", and change the fragment after some lived as caretakers to its own sentence. (2) Would it work to place the location earlier in the lead (e.g. the first paragraph)? Just a question.
• Conditions were very uncomfortable even after the belated installation of pot-bellied stoves, as the arid area experienced extreme temperature fluctuations and the barracks lacked insulation. - I would switch the parts of the sentence before/after the comma. It would read more smoothly if you put the cause of the discomfort first. E.g. "The arid area experienced extreme temperature fluctuations and the barracks lacked insulation, so conditions were very uncomfortable even after the belated installation of pot-bellied stoves."
• Camp life was documented in a newspaper, Topaz Times, and in the literary publication Trek. Internees worked inside and outside the camp, mostly in agricultural labor. Many internees became notable artists. - This is an abrupt transition from the "loyalty questionnaire" sentences that preceded it. I think it should be a new paragraph. Also, would it be better if this paragraph were placed before the "loyalty questionnaire" sentences?
• The film American Pastime is set in the Topaz camp and uses Dave Tatsuno's historical footage. - This is a very abrupt transition as well. You could lead with a sentence about Topaz after its closure.
• The site is a U.S. National Historic Landmark. - It would be nice to mention which year this occurred (in 2007, it looks like).

I made changes based on these notes. I moved the Topaz Times sentence up in the lead, so I moved the section about daily life to before the political issues (so the body matches the organization of the lead). The sentences about the films and books about Topaz seem a bit awkward still--maybe I should just take them out? Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 20:13, 2 July 2018 (UTC)

@Rachel Helps (BYU): Sorry for the delays. Sure, I suppose you can take these sentences out. I will review the rest of the article this week. epicgenius (talk) 15:03, 8 July 2018 (UTC)

@Rachel Helps (BYU): Here are some more comments:

Terminology:

• United States Government - "government" should be lowercase per MOS:CAPS
• Topaz has been referred to as a "War Relocation Center," - also lowercase, unless this is part of the commonly accepted proper name for the center.

• I removed "War Relocation Center" for now and ordered the first source cited for this sentence, since I couldn't find the term in the other two sources. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 20:04, 16 July 2018 (UTC)

• The "Reflections" source doesn't mention "War Relocation Center" either, so I think it's better to leave it out. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 20:53, 23 July 2018 (UTC)

• the controversy over which term is the most accurate and appropriate continues to the present day - This could be accompanied by some examples of terminology conflicting with each other, if you can find them. Additionally, when is "the present day"? For the sources that are provided, they seem to date from the late 1990s.

• I put that the controversy continued through the late 1990s (might be bordering on OR). Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 20:04, 16 July 2018 (UTC)

• In a preface to a book on Topaz written and published by the Topaz Museum - in which year? This is important since the article mentions "the present day" in the previous sentence.

History:

• The article should briefly explain when the attack on Pearl Harbor is. It's strange that this doesn't have a date, but the phrase as a result of Executive Order 9066, signed by President Franklin Roosevelt in February 1942 does.
• 120,000 Americans of Japanese descent and Japanese-born residents of the West Coast of the United States - This would be a good place to explain the terms "Issei" and "Nisei" since these are mentioned later on. (It seems like "Sansei", etc. are included under descendants of those born to "Nisei". But I could be wrong.)

• I defined the terms parenthetically, but I could also make it a separate sentence. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 20:04, 16 July 2018 (UTC)

• California, Oregon and Washington - These states are on the West Coast, but many people outside the US might not know that, so this fact should be clarified. E.g. "approximately 120,000 [...] residents in California, Oregon and Washington, along the West Coast of the United States, were forced to leave their homes".
• The first sentence of the paragraph is very long. I suggest splitting into at least 2 sentences.
• Also, you can link Internment of Japanese Americans within the paragraph itself, instead of having a separate hatnote.
• The camp was governed by Charles F. Ernst until June 1944, when the position was taken over by Luther T. Hoffman following Ernst's resignation. - this should be mentioned later on, after the sentence about the camp's opening.
• 65% were Nisei or Kibei- American-born citizens - (1) The sentence should not begin with a number. You can put something like "Sixty-five percent" or "The majority, 65%,", but having the sentence begin with just "65%" is grammatically incorrect. (2) Should the dash after "Kibei" be a hyphen? Or is it spaced-"n"-dash or "m" dash? (3) The grammar is also confusing; it's not clear if "American-born citizens" qualifies just "Kibei", or "Nisei" as well.
• Topaz was opened September 11, 1942 - Likewise, this is important to mention early on.
• A total of 11,212 people lived at Topaz at one time or another. - this could probably be combined with the comment about "9,000 internees and staff". I suppose the 9,000 figure is how many people lived there at any given time.
• Topaz was originally known as the Central Utah Relocation Authority, and then the Abraham Relocation Authority, but the names were too long for post office regulations. The final name, Topaz, came from a mountain which overlooks the camp from 9 miles (14.5 km) away. - I suppose this could be its own paragraph, since it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the second paragraph.

More later. epicgenius (talk) 22:05, 13 July 2018 (UTC)

@Rachel Helps (BYU): Sorry for the delay, I got caught up in work this week. I'll try to finish off the prose part this weekend.

Climate:

• Surrounded by desert, Topaz was an entirely new environment for internees, most of whom were from the San Francisco Bay Area - This should be reworded a bit, especially the first part of the sentence ("Surrounded by desert, Topaz"), which is awkward. The point is that Topaz was surrounded by desert, and the internees from the Bay Area were not acclimated to such an environment. It would be helpful to compare the Bay Area's climate with the desert climate.
• In the arid environment, temperatures could vary greatly throughout the day - Which temperatures did it vary between?
• Winters were cold, with averages below freezing for several months and an average of 18 inches of snow received - This sentence is also awkward. First, below-freezing already implies that it's cold, and second, the 18 inches of snow doesn't tie in well with the rest of the sentence. It would be better to describe the winter similar to something like this: "During the winters, the average temperatures would be below freezing for several months and the area would receive an average of 18 inches of snow."
  • Also, I suggest you use {{convert}}, for the 18 inches of snow. The freezing temperature measurement doesn't really need a convert template, though.
• 100 degrees F - This measurement should use {{convert}} or provide the Celsius equivalent.

Architecture and living arrangement:

• one square mile, 20x20 foot, every quarter of a mile - all need conversions or metric equivalents.
• Each block housed 200–300 people, - I'm assuming these are the 34 residential blocks, correct?
• The barracks were eventually lined with sheetrock, and the floors filled with masonite, but not until many internees had already moved into the camp, experiencing severe hot and cold in the arid climate - I guess you should flip the two halves of the sentences around. Otherwise, the timeline of this sentence is backward. So "After many internees had already moved into the camp, experiencing severe hot and cold in the arid climate, the barracks were eventually lined with sheetrock, and the floors filled with masonite."
• Camp construction was completed in part by 214 interned volunteers. - This is an interesting sentence, and also a little confusing, particularly the word "volunteers". Were these internees who had voluntarily agreed to build the camp before they moved in? Or were they simply unpaid? I'm just wondering.

• I looked at the source again and reworded this. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 16:25, 23 July 2018 (UTC)

• except for a lumber pile of scrap wood - Am I correct to assume that every family had piles of wood with which they could build their own furniture? This should be clarified.

• Scrap wood wasn't distributed individually. I described it as "communal". Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 16:25, 23 July 2018 (UTC)

• four bathtubs and four showers served 250 to 300 people housed in each barrack block - This is redundant and might conflict with the previous paragraph. The other paragraph said that four bathtubs served the women and four showers served the men. However, this sentence implies that the bathtubs and showers were shared by all the residents. I would suggest combining and correcting these sentences, because this is a little confusing.

• I took out the second sentence. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 16:25, 23 July 2018 (UTC)

• and was "almost undrinkable" - in which way? Was it unfiltered?
• among others - This is not needed, because the sentence already has the word "include". The other, unnamed facilities are inclusive within the phrase. Just "including a high school, two elementary schools, a 28-bed hospital, at least two churches, and a community garden" is enough.
  • Also, "include" is repeated twice within the same sentence, so I suggest replacing one of these words.

Daily life:

• but camp produce won awards at the Millard County Fair - This doesn't fit with the rest of the sentence about Topaz not being fully self-sufficient.
• two elementary schools, Desert View Elementary and Mountain View Elementary, Topaz High School (grades 7–12) and an adult education program - This reads as a serial list. But Desert View and Mountain View are included under "two elementary schools" whereas the grammar implies that this is separate. There are three options:
  • put "Desert View Elementary and Mountain View Elementary" in parentheses or enclose them with dashes
  • put semicolons after "Mountain View Elementary" and "(grades 7-12)"
  • put "as well as" before the phrase "Topaz High School".
• Topaz had a newspaper, the Topaz Times, a literary publication called Trek, and two libraries which eventually contained almost 7,000 items in both English and Japanese. - I'd replace the first comma with the word "called", so it would be an actual serial list. I.e. "Topaz had a newspaper called the Topaz Times..."
• with reunions held up to 50 years after internment - I'd add "ended" after "internment". Also, was the 50-year reunion the last reunion ever? If not, I would rephrase that sentence.
• 6 miles, 1,164 pound - these needs conversion to metric units. I'd also link Smithsonian Institution.

More later. epicgenius (talk) 17:30, 21 July 2018 (UTC)

• Thanks for the comments so far. I think I've addressed them in my recent edits. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 16:25, 23 July 2018 (UTC)

• No problem. Sorry for the continued delays, since I am busy on weekdays. Here's the rest of my prose comments. I'll check the references soon (probably tomorrow, since after this weekend, I will be busy until the end of August). I hope to finish this review within the week, and I mean it this time. epicgenius (talk) 19:20, 28 July 2018 (UTC)

• Thank you for the additional comments. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 17:54, 2 August 2018 (UTC)

• General note: setting {{convert}} to |adj=on will allow it to be used in a singular tense, such as {{convert|1164|lb|kg|adj=on}} → 1,164-pound (528 kg)

Camp politics:

• It may just be me, but I feel that the first paragraph is too long. Maybe you can split the war-draft section into its own paragraph.
• assessing their level of Americanization - Do you mean that this was an assessment of the internees' allegiance to the US? The word "Americanization" seems a bit out of place here.

• The questionnaire did try to quantify how "American" they were. It asked about their religion, language proficiency, and preferred recreational activities. I added a few sentences explaining that. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 17:54, 2 August 2018 (UTC)

• Two questions asked prisoners to about their willingness - There's a typo here, should be "asked prisoners about".
• most notably artist Chiura Obata, resulting in his immediate release. - Why was he released and what happened to him? This sounds like an interesting story, because normally people don't get released from jail (and especially not from an interment camp) for assaulting someone.
• 1,447 "disloyal" prisoners - Sentences shouldn't begin with numbers. The rest of the sentences are correct in this sense.
• Sixty-three-year-old James Wakasa was shot to death on April 11, 1943, by guards for wandering too close to the camp fence - This is in passive voice and it would read better in the active voice. e.g. "Guards fatally shot 63-year-old James Wakasa on April 11, 1943, for wandering too close to the camp fence."
• Internees reacted with work strikes - "reacted with work strikes" could be reworded as just "went on strike"
• Korematsu v. United States should be in italics.

In film:

• Dave Tatsuno (1913–2006), had a movie camera smuggled into the camp, at the urging of his supervisor, Walter Honderick. Film which he shot from 1943 to 1945 became the documentary Topaz. - This is very awkward for several reasons:
  • Dave Tatsuno (1913–2006), doesn't need a comma.
  • had a movie camera smuggled into the camp should be in active voice: "smuggled a movie camera into the camp". Or if he didn't actually smuggle it, something similar.
  • his supervisor, Walter Honderick - supervisor from where?
  • Film which he shot from 1943 to 1945 became the documentary Topaz should also be in active voice. "The documentary Topaz uses film which he shot from 1943 to 1945."
• In the second paragraph, Documentaries about the Topaz War Relocation Center include Dave Tatsuno's Topaz is redundant.
• Ken Verdoia's 1987 work of the same name should be clarified after you act upon the above comment.

In literature:

• Maybe you should link Berkeley, California, at its first mention. Then the article doesn't need to mention "Berkeley, CA".

In art:

• Much of the art made by detainees at the camp depicted life there, and survives: most prominently drawings and woodcuts by Chiura Obata and Matsusaburō (George) Hibi. - This should be reworded or broken up into two sentences, because the last part of the segment is a run-on.

Recent years:

• General comment: When is "recent"?

• I renamed the section to "Topaz after closing". Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 17:54, 2 August 2018 (UTC)

• Comment about placement: Should this be included before the "media" section? This should be considered.

• I agree that it makes more sense earlier. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 17:54, 2 August 2018 (UTC)

• most of the buildings were auctioned off and removed from the site. - I'm assuming the buildings themselves can't be moved in one piece, but had to be disassembled. This could be clarified.
• Delta High School Teacher, Jane Beckwith, - the word "teacher" should be lowercase, and the commas are redundant.
• In 2017, the museum reopened after being remodeled and focused on the history of Topaz - when was it closed? Didn't it just open in 2015?

• I'm curious about that too. I double-checked my sources and I think the remodeling was about changing the space from an art gallery to a more traditional museum. It also was only closed for a few months. One of my sources states that it initially opened in 2014, and another says it opened in 2015. I left a note in-wiki-text about it. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 17:54, 2 August 2018 (UTC)

• The site is a U.S. National Historic Landmark - also redundant

epicgenius (talk) 19:20, 28 July 2018 (UTC)

@Rachel Helps (BYU): Sorry that this review took 2 months. Between a new job and vacation, I hadn't had that much time to conduct much reviewing. I will add some source comments soon (hopefully today or tomorrow). epicgenius (talk) 14:09, 20 August 2018 (UTC)

@Rachel Helps (BYU): OK, here's my remaining comments:

• The date formats need to be standardized. Some dates are year-month-day, some are day-month-year, and ref 46 has a "month/day/year" format
• There are some {{citation}} templates through the article (which use CS2 referencing), but the style of citation in the article is mostly CS1 (e.g. {{cite book}}, {{cite web}}. I suggest standardizing the CS1 references to CS2 references.
• In further reading, these two references, "Journey to Topaz novel for children by Yoshiko Uchida, Grade 4 and up." and "Journey Home sequel to 'Journey to Topaz'" are incomplete citations. They need more information, such as date, ISBN, author, and/or page numbers. I'm aware that "Journey to Topaz" has the author's name already.
• Ref 25: need to clarify that this is via Google News.
• Ref 46: "Archived copy" should be replaced with the real title of the references.

That's it. Putting on hold for 7 days to allow these comments to be resolved. epicgenius (talk) 16:13, 28 August 2018 (UTC)

@Epicgenius:, I've made the suggested corrections, although consistent formatting of dates and citations is not required for GA (see Wikipedia:What the Good article criteria are not) Thank you again for the thorough review. Rachel Helps (BYU) (talk) 16:41, 29 August 2018 (UTC)

I'm aware that consistent formatting is not required. It is a recommendation, though, because this would make it easier for a reader to interpret the article. I'll take a final look when I get home. epicgenius (talk) 21:35, 29 August 2018 (UTC)

Looks good; passing. epicgenius (talk) 01:03, 30 August 2018 (UTC)