Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Awake (TV series)/archive2
Latest comment: 11 years ago by TBrandley in topic Addressed comments from Crisco 1492
Addressed comments from Crisco 1492
edit- Prose comments
- "before the series premiered on television." - Perhaps "before the series' premiere" or "before the series' television premiere."
- "On May 11,
2012,after eleven of the thirteen..." - Didn't you already state that this was all 2012? - Jumping chronologically. You've got May 2011 before February 2011 in #Production. So they picked up the pilot before green-lighting the show?
- Perhaps see what references are redundant. "Killen previously created the American television drama Lone Star (2010) for the Fox network, which was canceled shortly after airing two episodes due to low ratings.", for example, has 3 references for a fairly simple statement.
- That large quote from Killen may need to be paraphrased or put in a quote template. That's five sentences or so.
- "so freaked out" - Not encyclopedic. Direct quotes if it is a direct quote or encyclopedic wording, please. Then again, I don't see the relevance of the sentence in its entirety, especially getting into bed with his wife.
- Done. TBrandley 14:25, 3 September 2012 (UTC)
- Might be good to combine with the statement which follows (same general subject)
- Done. TBrandley 14:25, 3 September 2012 (UTC)
- "He compared it to the Fox television series" - I think this is actually contrasting.
- Not done actually (I noticed this because of the Fringe mention). It still says "compared"; I agree that contrasted works better here.Ruby 2010/2013 04:28, 4 September 2012 (UTC)
- "In addition, Killen made it obvious to know which version of Michael's realities you are watching" - No need for "you" (the viewer, probably). Also, should probably indicate which one is the red reality and which is green.
- Three sentences in a row starting with "Gordon". Perhaps some variety?
- Another use of "you" in the comparison to The Good Wife
- Is "summated" correct? Reads awkwardly. Perhaps "summarized"?
- "Other cast members include Wilmer Valderrama and Steve Harris, who each play Michael's partner in one reality, while Cherry Jones and BD Wong each serve as his therapists in one reality." - Not sure this should be the literary present. They no longer "play" his partner, just like Jones and Wong are not serving as the therapist: their characters are.
- Done. TBrandley 14:25, 3 September 2012 (UTC)
- Still has the present tense for Valderrama and Harris — Crisco 1492 (talk) 14:44, 3 September 2012 (UTC)
- Done. TBrandley 14:25, 3 September 2012 (UTC)
- Citations needed for direct quotes.
- "Episodes can be purchased in high-definition on the iTunes Store for $US2.99, and for $US1.99 in standard-definition." - That's a bit too much, and sounds rather advertorial. I'd suggest getting rid of that. The other stuff about Amazon is okay IMHO, but others may find it dicey.
- Mostly done. I just removed that part about the price of it, but I'd like to keep the rest. TBrandley 14:28, 3 September 2012 (UTC)
- "The last two episodes were scheduled to air as a two-hour finale on May 17, 2012 between 9:00 and 11:00 pm (EST), with episode "Two Birds" scheduled to be part one of the finale, and with "Turtles All the Way Down" scheduled to air as part two." - But? What happened? If it didn't happen, might not be worth mentioning
- "It debuted as a mid-season replacement for The Firm, which moved to Saturday nights after Awake's debut in both the United States and Canada." - This may be worth mentioning above, before you go into detail about the show's finale.
- "The A.V. Club cited that NBC airing the episodes in the Thursday night 10:00 p.m. (EST) time interval, the same slot as hit drama The Mentalist, contributed to the show's failure." - Too much info (you have a lot of it above). Perhaps "The A.V. Club cited that the Awake's slot, the same as the hit drama The Mentalist, contributed to the show's failure.
- "didn't fare so well" - Don't need a direct quote here, just say "did poorly".
- I'll do the remaining half of the article tomorrow. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 04:43, 3 September 2012 (UTC)
- Last paragraph of "Series overview" has a huge quote. Could some paraphrasing be done?
- "a routine" - Hmm?
- The section #Main characters has a lot of short sentences. Perhaps some combining.
- "Rex David Britten" - Middle name probably unnecessary for this article. Rex's, yes, but not this one.
- Rex claims he is going to the beach - Does he do this often enough to warrant a mention here?
- "for the both of them" - Both of who?
- Does Emma keep the baby or not?
- which he let Hannah ride in the "red reality", - He = Rex or Cole
- It was No. 2 in the Best Reviews from Metacritic users - What was number 1?
- ""instantly fell in love with the storyline of one man living in two realities in order to stay with the people he loves."" - Perhaps trim a bit?
- The focus on Holmes' review seems a little undue. She gets four sentences, while the others so far have gotten a clause.
- These reviews all seem to be for "Pilot" so far. Any retrospectives?
- The last paragraph has lots of information on other episodes. TBrandley 21:29, 4 September 2012 (UTC)
- Lotsssssssssssssssssss of quotes. Any way to paraphrase further?
- Done some. TBrandley 21:53, 4 September 2012 (UTC)
- "Awake has received low viewings and ratings since its debut." - This implies that it is still showing. Another way to say this? Perhaps switch to the past tense.
- "chose Isaacs as their first actor in their annual Emmy Preview." - What's this mean?
- sleep blackout - Worth a redlink?
- I gave a copyedit, please doublecheck.
- I saw. Thanks! TBrandley 20:38, 4 September 2012 (UTC)
- That's it from me. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 02:24, 4 September 2012 (UTC)
- Thanks for your comments! I addressed/replied to all of them above. Hope you can support now! Cheers, TBrandley 22:07, 4 September 2012 (UTC)
- Regarding these revisions:
- Why the change from one award to five?
- Because their was only one award below, actually before there was five, but one award's page was deleting, and that award that was there was considered not notable for Wikipedia. I forgot to change that before. Cheers, TBrandley 00:52, 5 September 2012 (UTC)
- That's still an award. Is it one held by a small group or something? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:56, 5 September 2012 (UTC)
- See Wikipedia:Articles for deletion/PAAFTJ Television Awards, that was the award. I'd love the have the award, but. Someone else originally removed it per the AfD. Regards. TBrandley 00:58, 5 September 2012 (UTC)
- "überpossibility" should be in quote marks.
- "however, now he only works with him in the "green reality"" - Now they only work together, perhaps?
- That's it. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:49, 5 September 2012 (UTC)
- Have replied/addressed of them. Thank you for your further comments! TBrandley 00:56, 5 September 2012 (UTC)
- Thanks for your comments! I addressed/replied to all of them above. Hope you can support now! Cheers, TBrandley 22:07, 4 September 2012 (UTC)