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We Found Love (music video) edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because…I would like to make this article an FA. If people who are very familiar with the FAC process could comment, in addition to anyone else, I would be grateful.

Thanks, Calvin • Watch n' Learn 03:51, 29 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Brief comments from Nikkimaria
WP Comments

Per request at talk page. I'm copy editing the article as I go and will be listing issues by which I am confused, here.

Lead

  • As you can see, I have trimmed the lead as it was quite long. Yes, I know this is a good article, but too much was there. Waffle was reduced as well. Just throwing that out.
  • "Residents driving around the location of the set informed BBC that traffic in the area was congested as drivers wanted to see the singer." - "Resident" is awkward here: residents of what? Why not "People" instead?
    Done Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • "Most critics agreed that the way in which the video had been shot was reminiscent of being a film" - unclear what this sentence means. Rewrite in simple and clear English?

  • Done. I guess because I'm a film student, that line makes sense to me. Calvin • Watch n' Learn
    I can understand what you were trying to say, but the sentence needed to be re-worded. By the way, music videos are short films by definition. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 01:23, 10 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Some critics also compared the controversial content to those of Rihanna's videos for "S&M" and "Man Down". The video caused controversy from activist groups, including The Rape Crisis Centre in the UK." - Okay, order needs to be revised here. You discuss the controversial content comparisons before actually saying that the video caused controversy?

  • Done Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • "Christian youth pastors Brandon Ward and John Colonnello as well as Ulster Cancer Foundation, for Rihanna's portrayal in the video of having sex whilst under the influence of illegal drugs, not being a role model to young girls and women and for smoking." - Does not read like a proper sentence. Missing word maybe?

  • Done Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • "As a result, the video was banned from being shown before 10pm on French television due to it's controversial content." - Isn't it redundant to say both "As a result" and "due to its controversial content" in the same sentence? Maybe remove the latter?

  • Done Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • Remove all occurrences of "whilst" throughout with "while". They mean the same thing, only one is too formal for Wikipedia.
    Done. Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • Revise article throughout for your incorrect usage of "It's", when "Its" should really be there. "Its" represents possession, while "It's" is a contraction for "It is".

WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 18:58, 7 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Development

  • "The video was filmed in a field in the town of Bangor, County Down, ahead of Rihanna embarking on the European leg of the Loud Tour (2011) and was directed by Melina Matsoukas, who had previously directed the videos for "Rude Boy" (2010), and the controversial "S&M" (2011)." - I do not understand the Loud Tour part of the sentence and how it is relevant. Also, missing comma after "(2011)"? Sentence needs revising.
    Done. It's background info about it. Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • "a red bandana top, long flannel shirt, and dirty denim"" - Quotations are used for quality and special wording. This does not need quotation marks (maybe the "dirty denim", but not the rest.)
    Done. Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • ""an American flag bikini, denim vest, and ripped jeans"" - same here. This needs some slight paraphrasing. Maybe "A bikini with the pattern of the American flag, as well as a denim vest and ripped jeans".

  • Done. Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • ""When the filming did become to my mind unacceptable I requested the filming to stop ... it became apparent to me that the situation was becoming inappropriate and I requested them to stop and they did"" - this is almost repeating what you said in your own words. Trim it down.

  • Done. Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • "It was reported that extras were not told about what was expected of them until a very short time period beforehand, in order to keep the content of the video as secret as possible." - WP:WEASEL word. Who reported this? Also, by who were they not told of their expectations? The "until a very short time period beforehand" - needs to be re-worded. It's a bit awkward. I can't think of anything clever at the moment, but maybe "until the last minute"?

  • Done. I don't know who told them that, someone on set most likely. Calvin • Watch n' Learn
  • Could we elaborate on what this violent experience she had? It's vague right now.

WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 13:04, 8 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

  • It is, but considering this is just a peer review, suit yourself. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 02:00, 10 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    I don't see the problem with it. Both are too long to be in the prose. Calvin • Watch n' Learn 02:02, 10 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Synopsis

  • "Running amok" is somewhat of an inaccessible expression that many readers will not understand. Clarify.
    Reworded. Aaron • You Da One
  • "... possibly due to the heavy drug abuse." - needs source as this is personal interpretation. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 17:52, 11 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    Removed. Aaron • You Da One

References to popular culture

  • Not a major issue, but comparing the two lead sentences: "The video for "We Found Love" references popular culture in the form of films." versus "The video also features multiple popular culture references to other artists in the music industry." They are worded a bit too similarly. I think the second could be worded a bit more creatively. Something like "Elements of the music video have been compared to the works of recording artists Britney Spears, Eminem and Madonna." It's a little more fresh , "wow" and interesting. My suggestion you don't have to follow, because I know you can write better.
  • Actually, overall, I think the whole section could use some copy editing to make the wording more variant and compelling. It's slightly repetitive now. This part of the article has a lot of potential as an interesting read. I see a lot of the same "The video features this, which is a lot what this film/song does." As a challenge, try and be creative. This will obviously be difficult, let alone for FAC, but it will vastly improve the overall flow.
  • "Spears is shown as a successful singer constantly hounded by the media and" - maybe the word "hounded" is a bit colloquial. Maybe something like "bothers"?
  • Also, may I add that this isn't actually reference to music, but other music videos? A video can easily illustrate the lyrics of another song, but this isn't what is dicussed in this section. So there may need to be some re-naming. Thanks, —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 01:59, 14 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    Done all. Aaron • You Da One
  • Another point: I think the section jumps from comparison to comparison a bit too quickly. I think elaborating on each reference will make the article flow a lot better. It's a bit choppy and list-y right now. See if you can dig for more discussion from the sources. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 19:18, 26 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    I've just made it one section. Aaron • You Da One
    Can it be expanded? And what's the difference between this and the Comparisons section? Both are comparison sections really. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 19:56, 26 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    I've moved it to the Britney/Chris section as one seciton. Aaron • You Da One 17:08, 30 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Release and reception

  • "Matthew Perpetua of Rolling Stone found "the footage looks like a remake of Trainspotting, writing "[We Found Love] matches its thumping rave beat to footage that often looks like a remake of Trainspotting"" - missing quotation mark? —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 11:49, 29 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    No? Lol. Aaron • You Da One 17:17, 30 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Controversies

  • "The video also came under fire from Brandon Ward," - can this be more formal?
    Reworded, used "scrutinized" Aaron • You Da One 17:17, 30 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The negative reaction to the video is the third by Rihanna in 2011 to be criticized by various organizations" - Rihanna had the negative reaction? Re-word. You mean "The video is the third by Rihanna in 2011 to receive a negative reaction from organizations"?
    Yep :) Aaron • You Da One 17:17, 30 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • ""S&M" was the first, and was banned from eleven countries around the world due to its explicit sexual content,[3][4] while "Man Down" attracted media attention when the Parents Television Council (PTC), a non-profit organization that advocates responsible entertainment, criticized Rihanna for "cold, calculated execution of murder" in the video and for portraying a scenario of rape.[5]" - this is dragging into too much unnecessary detail
    Shortened Aaron • You Da One 17:17, 30 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Why are you even talking about the promotional picture? It's not related in any way to the video. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 14:32, 29 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    Removed. Aaron • You Da One 17:17, 30 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comparisons

  • "Among the similarities, critics ..." - critics were among the similarities?
  • What's "bad boy archetypes"?
  • "that is also against guns that politicians felt the need to talk about it." - guns?
  • "According to her, the videos continue with a xenophobic portrayal of British people as villains by American pop culture." - not sure where the "by American pop culture" fits here? What about them? Clarify.

I guess I'm done then. Ping me if you need help. Great job on the article. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 10:49, 2 February 2012 (UTC)[reply]

My love is love comments

This article isn't complete; The year-end lists of the best 2011 music videos should be added. I've seen "We Found Love" on some of them. I think Pitchfork Media, AOL, Consequence of Sound, Slant Magazine etc. Plus I've seen this on the talk page and it isn't added in the article. So, first add everything you'll find about the music video and then nominate it for an FA. My love is love (talk) 10:17, 8 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Note - I haven't forgotten about this. Will make the changes after the blackout on Thursday. Calvin • Watch n' Learn 01:02, 18 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

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