Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Triptych, May–June 1973
- The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.
The article was promoted 18:13, 25 August 2007.
Triptych, May–June 1973 edit
Self nom. 1973 triptych by the Irish artist Francis Bacon, and the second in his series of three "Black Triptychs". Thanks to Outriggr for help with the prose. Ceoil 17:36, 29 July 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- Weak support - Overall good job, but I'm still not thrilled at the way the frist couple paragraphs under Biographical context read. Otherwise, good.--Esprit15d 19:54, 24 August 2007 (UTC)
Oppose: Overall, the article is good -- very thorugh and well researched. But I feel the composition could use some improvement. Of the four featured article criteria, I recommend addressing the following:[reply]
- 1. Basic criteria met?:
- 1a. Well written?
"when he painted" - during this time painting (when isn't totally right)"from the event," - rm the comma
- As I was reading the biographical context section, I found the first ten sentences or so a bit disjointed and jarring - not in content but order. One minute we were reading a Dyer bio, then suddenly about Bacon's attraction to him. I would start off the whole section with this "Bacon's prior affairs had all been with older men, and though those men were similarly tumultuous, Bacon had been the one who was dominated. Bacon's first lover Peter Lacy would often tear up the young artist's paintings, and in drunken rages, beat up him up, and leave him on the street half conscious."[9] In contrast, Bacon was attracted to Dyer's vulnerability and trusting nature. Then, start a new paragraph after "...between theft, borstal, and jail." Group information describing Dyer's general demeanor and appearance together, followed by the sentence beginning "Dyer was typical of Bacon's taste..." (this sentence should be preceded by the sentence beginning "Dyer was a borderline alcoholic...") The rearrangement most probably will necessitate some rephrasing for clarity. This sentence: "However, over time those traits overwhelmed their affair, and by 1970, Bacon was just providing Dyer with enough money to stay more or less permanently drunk." should probably be moved to later on, to follow the chronological progression of the section.
- 1a. Well written?
- Outriggr has looked after this. Ceoil 09:08, 31 July 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- This sentence "Many critics have cited Dyer's portraits as favourites, including Michel Leiris and Lawrence Gowling." would be better placed in a Critical response section (or something similarly named)
- There is not enough published material available to create a "critical reception" section. Very often Bacon's paintings went straight into private collections, and though I was unable to find out for sure, I think thats what hapened here. Paintings are not like albums; they are not "released", and generally Bacon's paintings did not ssurface until they were featured in retrospectives. Ceoil 09:08, 31 July 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"to draw Bacon's attention" - should be followed by a comma
"he had planted cannabis" - rm "had"
- This sentence "In an effort to draw Bacon's attention he had planted cannabis in Bacon's flat before phoning the police, and had attempted suicide on a number of earlier occasions." breaks up the narrative: (a) What call to the police? (B) Mention the suicide attempts before this (since it occurs before the evening being discussed) probably in the previous paragraph, near the end.
"along with the deaths of his friends Belcher, Rawsthorn, Watson, Deakin, and his nanny Winifred" - who are these people? They are like a laundry list of unknowns. There deaths might be mentioned earlier OR collectively ("several friends lost over the course of his life") OR add some context for whom these persons are. You might think of a better way to incorporate it.
- All notables, except for the nanny, though she was a strong character in herself. I'm very taken by these people, they seem like the kind of persons it would be fun to go for a pint with, expect stubbs. For now outriggr has clarified. Ceoil 13:39, 4 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"Bacon rendered this awareness by pronouncing a wristwatch" - I think pronounce is probably the wrong word; it doens't make much sense here.
Bacon used an interesting technique here, but I haven't explained it properly. Will have a think, deleting until I have a better sentence. Ceoil 13:42, 4 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"panel is bounded" - is bound
- 1b. Comprehensive? I would think there should be a Critical response section. Critique is scattered throughout, sometimes well, sometimes jarringly.
- 1c. Factually accurate?
This sentence "Bacon's treatment of his lover in these canvasses emphasises his subject's physicality while remaining uncharacteristically tender". needs a reference, unless it is already substatiated by reference 11.
- 1d. Neutral? Yes
- 1e. Stable? Yes
- 2. Complies with Manual of style and relevant WikiProjects?:
- 2a. Concise lead section? Yes
- 2b. Hierarchical headings Yes
- 2c. Table of contents? Yes
- 2d. Sufficient inline citations? Yes
- 3. Properly placed, tagged and/or rationalized images?: I question the use of Female Nude Standing in a Doorway 1972 in this article. Its connection to this article is tenuous.
- 4. Appropriate length?: Yes
When these issues are addressed, notes the changes here and notify me on my talk page. Thank you for your work so far. — Esprit15d 20:13, 30 July 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- Thanks Esprit, for such a considered review; I'll take on board you points and report back when resolved. Ceoil 21:21, 30 July 2007 (UTC)[reply]
As a note of interest, I posted two replies to Esprit, but they are not appearing on my screen. one, two. Very odd. Ceoil 14:38, 4 August 2007 (UTC) They were corrupted by a html template which has since been removed. Ceoil 22:48, 12 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- Neutral. I'd like to see more work on the writing. Here are a few morsels to get you going.
- MOS breach in the title: unspaced en dash clearly required, since "1973" applies to both months. Check that the creators got it wrong, I guess.
- I've moved the page as suggested. We were unsure of the correct format at the time. Ceoil 22:30, 12 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- "setting a record for a Bacon canvas"—OK, it's an attempt at elegance, but the metaphor is a little laboured. Do canvases sell for so much? "Work". And later, it's spelt with a double s.
- Reworded as "work"; double s is the correct plural form for Brit Eng? Ceoil 22:30, 12 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- I hate "burglarizing": come on, guys.
- Our readers shouldn't have to hit the "borstal" link to learn what it means. Gloss on the spot, in a brief phrase.
- Rephrased as "juvenile detention center", left it unlinked. Ceoil 22:30, 12 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- Surely BrEng is the go here? Why "spiraled"?
- Spiraled was maybe a little over dramatic; reworded with the slightly less excitable "descended"; he did go downhill fairly rapidly. Ceoil 22:30, 12 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- Tony 09:08, 12 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- Support. That's really good. Nothing wrong with it. --maclean 05:39, 16 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- Support LuciferMorgan 12:41, 18 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.