User talk:Zooshoe/sandbox

Feedback for Sector (Malnutrition)

Overall I think you are doing a great job with your sentence structures and flow of ideas, it is easy to understand your sentences. Abraham Martei Martey (talk) 00:11, 20 March 2018 (UTC)

Breastfeeding

Your proposed addition to the Malnutrition article is very strong and convincing which could be misunderstood as being bias. I would, therefore, suggest you use less positive degree adjectives and rather use more neutral words that do not end up giving the impression that you are being biased. Secondly, I realized you used only two references of which you cited one more than the other, this may also contribute to other Wikipedians thinking your work is biased because it relied only on one source/reference. I would, therefore, suggest you include diverse references to balance your addition(s)/edit(s), especially that you already have about 10 references. That being said, you are really doing a good job and I think your work will be great at the end. Abraham Martei Martey (talk) 00:11, 20 March 2018 (UTC)

Barriers to breastfeeding

The feedback for breastfeeding applies here as well, considering that you used superlative degree adjectives here signaling that you are favoring/biasing. I would also suggest that instead of comparing traditional vertical based medical interventions with community-based outreach programs, you can rather write about the strengths and the weaknesses of both traditional vertical based medical interventions and community-based outreach programs to reduce chances of being flagged as bias(especially that you have not yet cited that claim). I also think increasing the number of cited references will make your addition(s)/edit(s) stronger. Abraham Martei Martey (talk) 00:11, 20 March 2018 (UTC)

Feedback for Area (Malnutrition in India)

Overall your tone/choice of words are good as they do not signal bias and rather they show neutrality. I also like how concise your sentences are. Abraham Martei Martey (talk) 00:12, 20 March 2018 (UTC)

Dual Burden

Though your sentences are informative and concise, you mostly cited one source which can make other Wikipedians question the credibility of the claims.Using more diverse citations will make your addition stronger and more reliable.Some sentences were also not cited which will make other Wikipedians either delete or tag them as unreliable. There were also instances of word repetition which I trust you will identify and correct as you work to improve your addition. Abraham Martei Martey (talk) 00:12, 20 March 2018 (UTC)

Domestic Violence

I like this section, it is good. It however mostly lacks citations and only one source/reference is used to cite the entire paragraph. I strongly believe it will be a great addition/contribution to the article if you find more diverse and reliable sources to synthesis for your contribution to the article. Abraham Martei Martey (talk) 19:53, 19 March 2018 (UTC)

Jenny Lee's Peer Review

For Malnutrition article: Under the "Barriers to breastfeeding" subsection, you wrote "While traditional vertical based medical interventions are beneficial, community based outreach programs have proven effective." It is a bit unclear what these programs are effective at and how they have been proven effective, so I think making that more clear and straightforward will really help! Overall, I think you have really good sources, especially since the information is very medical-research-based. I also think you picked a really great section of the Malnutrition article to work on; I noticed that currently, there is only one sentence under "Breastfeeding" on the actual article.

For Malnutrition in India article: Under the "Dual Burden" subsection, you wrote "The existence of the dual malnutrition problems suggests a need for policy makers to support options which measure nutritional output, as opposed to calories, when deciding policies to ensure a well fed society." I think this sentence may not be totally neutral, as it calls a need for action in terms of specific policies. I think you should consider how you can reword this to make it more neutral, or consider omitting this sentence entirely because I don't think it adds to your explanation of what Dual Burden is. Under the "Domestic Violence" subsection, you state that it is only one recent study that shows a strong connection between malnutrition and domestic violence. Is there sufficient evidence from this one study to justify having that statement in your article? Maybe check with the Wiki Ed staff to be sure?

Overall, I think you have done great work in synthesizing several different sources into concrete, concise paragraphs of information.

J0820 (talk) 02:31, 20 March 2018 (UTC)

Wiki Mainspace Peer Edit

Hi! Just a few copyedits:

- "Dual Burden is characterized as undernutrition" "Burden" doesn't need to be capitalized.

- "yet lack to proper nutrients for proper nutrition" --> "to" should read "the" | also "proper nutrients for proper nutrition" is redundant and I think you can phrase it more clearly

- "On a societal level, the double burden refers to populations" Did you mean "dual"? is this a term you should be using consistently?

- "The primary causes of whether a woman falls into the obese or underweight under-nutritional category is dependent on the socioeconomic status of the individual, and dependent on rural or urban populations." does this come from the same citation as the sentence after it? if not, cite it because it has a claim that isnt clear.