User talk:Jolivia03/sandbox
You have a great start on this page! It seems like it just needs some refinement at this point. The abstract is a bit redundant and contains a little bit too much information. I think that you don’t need two separate paragraphs in the abstract talking about “Acne Cosmetica” and then talking about general “Acne vulgaris” – you could combine those into a single paragraph. Also, I think you could take some of the information from the “Acne Cosmetica” paragraph and move it to the “Signs and Symptoms” category. Stylistically, make sure that you always stay in the same tense when you are writing. I noticed that there was one sentence where you use “we.” Your “Signs and Symptoms” section looks pretty good. Are there any major differences between symptoms of Acne Cosmetica and normal acne? If so, I think you should highlight those symptoms. To me, the “Cause” section seems a little long since essentially the cause of Acne Cosmetica is cosmetic use. I think it is fine to mention other factors that may impact someone’s predisposition to have acne, but I don’t think you need to go into quite the amount of detail that you currently have. If I want to know about the causes of normal acne, I would probably be at the Acne Vulgaris Wikipedia page and not the Acne Cosmetica Wikipedia page. The Mechanism/Pathophysiology section is a lot of text and information and has quite a bit of fairly specific medical or scientific terminology. Some of that is unavoidable and understandable, but I think you could simplify some of it, reword some of, and maybe just cut some of it out. I think the Diagnosis section also contains some redundancy and some excess information about Acne Vulgaris as opposed to Acne Cosmetica. I think the subsection on differential diagnoses is informative and a good thing to include. I think you have way too much information in the Treatment section. I don’t think you need the paragraphs about common treatments for acne vulgaris, and I don’t think you need to go into so much detail about each type of medication. I think a sentence or two for each type of medication would be plenty in the context of this page. The Epidemiology section looks good. Don’t forget to include a “research” section. In general, I would go back through and double check your grammar and tenses – I noticed a few small errors here and there. It seems like you have a lot of good sources and are citing things appropriately. And overall, although I know that Acne Cosmetica and normal Acne Vulgaris are similar and connected in many ways, I personally think there is too much information about Acne Vulgaris on this page. --SannSK (talk) 22:05, 10 November 2019 (UTC)
- The second sentence seems to repeat the first sentence.
- "We think of" is too informal. Use general language and do not presume about your reader.
- Make sure you link terms the first time you use them. The first paragraph is weak on links although most of the rest looks pretty good.
- You can't just copy a paragraph from the acne page. Summarize what you need here and link the appropriate page. You have done this for a large part of the page, and it is not appropriate.
- This is a particular issue for causes, most of which do not apply to your condition at all!
- Diagnosis you really need to focus on this condition: how do you isolate this from other acne? Get rid of everything that does not apply to this condition!
- In general, you need to go through and get rid of everything that does not apply to your condition. This is just the acne article with some stuff added. That is not acceptable.
- Missing recent research and prognosis.