User talk:Jennagc/New sandbox
Hi Everyone,
I took notes based on sections and tried to point out which areas I am specifically referring too. If there is any confusion please reach out. When I hit post, it gets rid of all of the indents I made to organize my notes. If it is confusing please reach out and I can send it on another document with the correct indentations or hit edit and it may go to the way I originally wrote it, sorry for the inconvenience.
Origins and History edits first paragraph Schools for the Deaf, knows as Deaf institutes, are typically the environment in which Deaf children are introduced to their community’s culture. change knows to known third paragraph is a little repetitive/confusing with mentioning how asl was formed from the teacher and the students, maybe rephrase. fifth paragraph cite this definition if possible In this context, “oral” refers to the sharing of culture through interactions with other members of a cultural community. same paragraph-could be rephrased/shortened to say initially that one of the traditions passed down is folklore and narrative traditions As the Deaf community developed in Deaf institutes, families and clubs, the community’s cultural traditions have been passed from one generation to the next through something akin to the “oral” traditions of spoken languages. In this context, “oral” refers to the sharing of culture through interactions with other members of a cultural community. In the Deaf community, folklore and narrative traditions are included in the types of cultural interactions that are passed from person to person.[4]:21 sixth paragraph-could be rephrased and separated into two paragraphs, have both information on deaf community gathering to share and smooth signers. goes back to sharing at gatherings in the next paragraph, so could combine those parts seventh paragraph-makes sixth paragraph information a little redundant, could combine same paragraph-could combine these sentences if wanted to Members of the Deaf community often leave the festival and share the new works with their own friends and family, to disseminate the works even further. Each shared iteration of a work may differ slightly from the original, which results in multiple versions of stories being passed through the community.[5]:41-42 same paragraph-add comma One of the most notable exchanges was the Deaf poet Patrick Graybill acting out an image of a “hydrogen jukebox” from Allen Ginsberg’s poem “Howl” during a seminar in 1984. overall notes on section: unsure if all of the background on deaf education is necessary in your piece, could shorten (include link to deaf education page) or exclude from article, I’m unsure how it fully relates to asl literature, either add importance to asl literature or cut out maybe explain what “folklore and narrative traditions” are, explain what asl literature is made up of more. you mention the different kinds of asl literature but not what it really is. for example if I didn’t know what it was, I would be confused as to how it is made (like that it is videos of people signing stories). Feel free to ask me if that doesn’t make sense. like this sentence included in your literacy section “However, authors of ASL literature use their body as the text of their work, which is visually read and comprehended by their audience viewers.[7]:1-2” could be included in the background to better explain. Literacy notes first paragraph-phrasing could be changed to sound more inclusive, it is reading as if people who do not believe asl users to not be literate are wrong (even though though they may be) second paragraph- slightly repetitive with second and fourth sentence. fourth sentence i think “or” should be “of” third paragraph-if you can cite the first few sentences overall notes- I think this section explains a lot of what asl literature is which is good and could also be included in the intro. Some of this section sounds a little biased, but I am unsure how to phrase it to avoid that. A little repetitive, I think it could be shortened to a paragraph or two, it could even be included in the intro if you decide to shorten it. Genres and Forms cinematographic stories-divces-could add the addition of lights and sounds visual vernacular-add citations if you have any to the first few sentences. could rephrase paragraph, slightly repetitive overall notes for section-very well written and organized. could potentially site examples of each? but not fully necessary Theatrical companies and performances national theatre for the deaf- could loose comma in second sentence after small or rephrase, reads slightly odd could remove “The deaf world was lacking a platform where they could express themselves and perform.” deaf west theatre-could combine first two sentences new york deaf theatre-could change phrasing to say that it was the first place that Deaf actors could perform in New York, rather than say it wasn’t available before common themes third paragraph-i think the beginning could rephrased to sound less bias. the other paragraphs on explaining the stories focus on the stories more and what their meaning is without having to fully give background context, maybe look at those as examples for how to potentially rewrite this one potentially cite Todd? overall- this section is important but the beginning two paragraphs are a little repetitive to information included in the opening. It is well written and explains better than in the intro. Maybe include less in the intro on this? or move it to the intro and just get into the different stories themes here? It seems the beginning of this is explaining more the oppression and expression of the Deaf community, specifically its children, then explaining the general themes you are about to discuss. Maybe split the examples into different sections?
overall overall- I think there are some parts that are a little repetitive throughout the piece as well as within the sections but overall it is well done. I like the inclusion of the different sections, I do not think you are missing any information. I am unsure how relevant the Deaf education information is to your piece, it could be included but could also not be. I think it may stray away from the main topic a little in the beginning but overall the focus is clear and well explained throughout the rest of the piece. Most of the piece is not biased but there are some sentences that portray that people who are in the hearing community do not know best (which they may not) but try to stray away from that. This has a lot more helpful information than the current piece on wikipedia and think it is worth continuing on to try to get published.
Please let me know if you have any questions,
Julie's Peer Review
editLead section: great Lead section! It might be slightly long but it includes lots of great introductory information.
Clear structure: - The structure was easy to follow and well layed out.
Balanced content:
-I understand the need for all the history of ASL literature and think it plays a vital role; however, I’m wondering if there is a way to shorten certain points to stay on track and remember the page is about Literature. Or even if you could remind the reader of the point of the history section while telling the story. For example, you go into detail about deaf children born to hearing parents, then into schools for the Deaf, and about the first school (ASD), and more about the history of ASD. While all important, the literature aspect gets lost in this history and a reminder as to why this is important to the history of Literature (or just making it shorter) would make the idea clearer in my opinion!
-I think if there were any video examples of the various types of ASL literature that would make this much clearer to the audience, like the one used in personification was great!
-I wonder if there is anyway to add some of the most famous works of the authors in the “important authors” section. Similarly if would be nice to credit the authors in the various “important works” section!
Neutral tone:
-tone was excellent!
Good sourcing:
-I noticed great sources all throughout the article, great use of those. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Jlbehar (talk • contribs) 20:31, 9 April 2019 (UTC)