User talk:Cales23/sandbox

Hello Cales23

Overall I think your research is very interesting! I think you are making great progress. Bellow I have made some suggestions on what you should look at and consider revising. I have also fixed a few gammer and spelling errors.

• Break up sentences. Instead of jamming two or three thoughts into one sentence break the sentences up. Remember that you are writing to a fifth grade audience. An e.g. of one of your long sentences is the first sentence in the Second Paragraph. It reads: "Some conclusions about the development of adoptees can be derived from newer studies, though, and it can be said that adoptees, in some respect, seem to develop differently from the general population while facing greater risks during adolescence." I would break this up into something like this: " Conclusions about the development of adoptees can be derived from newer studies. Adoptees seem to develop differently from the general population while facing greater risks during adolescence."' Go through your section and every time you see the word “and” decide if that should be one sentence or two. Also delete unnecessary words in a sentence like this. Make sure you are elaborating. For example, what risks are adolescences facing?

• The US Department of Health quote is a little long. Maybe keep part of it but paraphrase the rest.

• Delete some of the words such as however and nevertheless. They are okay occasionally but they are unnecessary.

• Make sure you link words in your section to other pages. Also make sure other pages are linked to the Adoption Page.

• I don't know what kind of photo you would add to the developmental section but you might want to consider adding one.

• One of the biggest problems I had with your section is that it is a little hard to read. Remember that this is an encyclopedia, not a sociology paper. It needs to be something that a middle school student can comprehend. One way I think you can fix this whiteout changing all of the text would be to organize it. I would suggest organizing your information into subsections underneath the Development sections. Identity would make a good subsection. Putting all of your similar information under on category will help the information flow better. You can make a subsection but putting three = on each side of the word. E.g. ===identity===. You can also use the * key to make a list (such as I have done here). This can also help with organizations. Make sure you go through and delete unnecessary words and words that are two big.

If you go through and make it sound more like an encyclopedia it will be great! You have done really good research. Awesome job! Let me know if anything is unclear or you need anything else! Keep up the good work!

Unbroken14 (talk) 21:50, 7 November 2014 (UTC)Unbroken14

Feedback

This is a very good start on the development section. The main problem I noticed with your article is how it appears to be written like a paper and not like a Wikipedia article, e.g. "Let’s see what Silverstein and Kaplan have to say." I changed as many as I found, but make sure I did forget any. You should consider on expanding on how the development of adopted children is more complicated. Also the paragraph which starts as, "The formation of identity is a complicated process and there are many factors that affect its outcome." Do you think this would be better placed before the U.S. Department of Health and Human services paragraph, the preceding paragraph. This might make the article flow better. If possible you should attempt to find some pictures, yes I realize this probably will be difficult but it will enhance the subcatergory aesthetically. Thisismyusername1994 (talk) 21:59, 7 November 2014 (UTC)